Proving Myself To Ghost

An Opportunity

The next day I wake early with a little more strength than the day before. I push myself to my feet and dress quickly. I leave my hair down knowing that I most definitely will not be doing any training today and make my way to Captain Price's office. When I round the corner towards his office I see Ghost closing his door, we make eye contact for a brief moment before he looks down and walks past me.

As he walks past me I reach and grab his hand, he turns and looks at me again and I meet his eyes. I open my mouth as if to say something but close it again when I realize I have nothing to say, I have nothing that is going to make this better for him or myself, I realized. The feelings that I have are very new and unknown to me, a tightness in my chest that feels as if it will squeeze my heart until it stops. Simon gently pulls his hand from mine and turns and continues down the hallway until he turns around the corner and is out of sight. I turn back around towards the captain's door, take a deep breath, and then I reach for the handle.

I make two quick knocks on the door before I gently push the door open to see Captain Price sitting at his desk as always, leaning over some paperwork. when I enter he looks up and grunts in acknowledgment as he places the papers down and pushes them aside,

" well there she is, I assume that you're here to get paperwork and flight manifests in order," he says.

" yes sir," I respond with a quick nod.

" well, go ahead and have a seat, I have already reached out to your superiors at Kortac and they are aware that you will be arriving back to them shortly, all there is is for you to state a day that you are well enough to fly," he says as he leans back in his chair.

"Today if possible, otherwise tomorrow or as soon as possible," I say as I sit down in the chair across from him.

"Need to get away from him that bad?" Price says with a raised brow.

"Excuse me?" I respond in disbelief.

"You know, he was just in here to request some time off, first time he has ever done that. Two weeks of it at that. You definitely left your mark on him."

"I was upfront with him from the beginning of the arrangement and expiration date."

"Semantics mean nothing when it comes to the heart, kid."

"Well, there is nothing I can do about what his heart decided."

"I don't think it's just his heart."

I say nothing in response, I simply look down at his desk and focus my eyes on a pen, willing myself to empty my thoughts of anything and everything.

"Doesn't matter. I have a job to get back to, a job I'm good at and has security for me, I would never give that up for a chance, and a chance at what, exactly? Truly? What is there? Some teenage angst and good sex? No." I finally snap at him as I look back up and meet his eyes.

"You didn't even make an attempt at making it work. You both are fucking idiots." Price snaps back.

"No," I say definitely as I stand up, "I was an idiot. I chased one man and almost lost everything for it. I let my entire life, all of my security, rest in another's hands and I will never do that again. I was lucky Kortac took me in, for all their faults, they gave me a shot. Now... now I rely on myself only for my successes and for my failures. I will never live with another holding my entire future over my head again, I want to be on a flight as soon as possible," I finish as I turn and leave, as I open the door Price finally responds,

"No one is asking you to give anything up or give any power to anyone else. You make pretty big assumptions about him without even giving him, or yourself, a fair shot," he says to my back.

I stop for a second more before I step out and close the door behind me. No one will change my mind. I know what is for the best and I need to look out for myself because no one else will, least of all a man. I square my shoulders and walk with purpose back to my room where I close the door and collapse on my bed. It will take some time before I am fully healed and just that small interaction with Captain Price has exhausted me.

A few hours later I get a gentle knock on my door that leads to a small bubbly faced recruit opening it upon my invitation to announce that a flight will be leaving in one hour to return me back to Kortac. I should find relief in the news but all I feel is sadness. the dreams others have of having it all will always be out of my reach. I will never be able to have it all, the career, the relationship, the family. The family. I realize with a heaviness that sets root in my literal being that I won't just miss Simon. I will miss the entire 141 and what they have. They have a comradery, a trust, in one another that I will always yearn for knowing I was never meant to have it myself.

The hour passes by and I soon find myself on my flight. The goodbyes were hard as everyone met me to hug and make promises of keeping contact. Everyone but one person, a void that everyone took notice of but no one was willing to speak out loud about. Soap was the last to say goodbyes and they hurt the most as well. I don't know what having siblings is like but I'm sure this has to be somewhere in the same realm of that. He provided a constant comfort over the months, someone I knew I could go to no matter what and now I won't see him again.

The flight was easy, the same as any other flight. I landed on time and see Konig waiting for me, being the usual parental figure he has always been for me. He already knew everything that had happened as I had kept him updated occasionally throughout my time with the 141 so no words needed to be spoken between us as I climbed into the waiting vehicle. It was a quick drive back to our base where no one was waiting to greet me, not that I expected otherwise. This is what I wanted, this is what I asked for and what is best. I probably will have to keep reminding myself of that as time goes on and I fall back into my familiar routine with my team.

A few days pass and it was just a blur of doctor follow-up visits and physical therapy as I work to regain some semblance of normalcy with my body. I had one phone call with soap the day after I arrived with him following up to make sure I landed safely and I was getting comfortable back at home, it was bittersweet to hear his voice as I was happy to know that I was not forgotten so soon but I also know that I will never have the familiar warmth of his presence around me anymore just as I have lost with the rest of the 141 team.

On the third day back I enter my room to find a letter sitting on my bed. as I lift it up to read it I realize it is addressed to my real name,not my code name, so it could only have been from one person as no one else calls me anything other than Boom. I open the letter to see Simon's familiar handwriting,

"my love,

I do not know how to begin this letter or where it will go but knowing that you are so far away tears me apart. I want to give us a chance no matter what that chance looks like or where it leads. Not everything has to have a bad ending in your life and I will do everything I can to make sure that I do not do that. I know you have made up your mind already about me, about us, and about your future but I am pleading with you to reconsider your decision. The captain thinks that you are an integral part of our team and so do I and everyone else and we want you back. You are part of our family and without you we are all fractured, most of all me. I have spent some time thinking about us and the team and I realized that you are right. I couldn't set aside my personal feelings when in the field with you but I also know that in the field you were more professional than me and so I have made the decision to accept a demotion of my rank if you decide to come back to us. You are better suited as the lieutenant of our team and I can't see myself in any other position than following you no matter where that goes. I'm sure the captain told you that I have taken some personal time and I am at a beach house that I've rented out, if you find yourself willing to take a chance on me, us, and the team please come back."

I finished reading the letter and the address that is scribbled at the bottom and then I double back and read it a second time trying to process exactly what it says. The idea of returning back to the 141 as a permanent member of the team is more than enticing but also is very unknown to me. I don't know where it will lead, especially with Simon in the midst of it, but I also know that these types of things have an expiration date and I will need to make a decision sooner than later.