Like a time of forever sleep (dream or death?)

Another poets death (11-06-2023)

We were talking to each other, I was playing pretend like I usually do. Pretending that I liked Kia. But I don't, I like the girl beside her. No. I love the girl beside her. I want to bury my hands in her hair, I want to feel her skin against mine, I want to laugh with her, I want to bite her skin and leave permanent marks,
I want to look at her the way I pretend to look at Kia.
I want everything to do with her, I want her to love me.

Problem is, all hell has broken loose. I'm too good at pretending, I wish that someone could pull me back into a hole and make it seem like I can't play pretend. She believes that I'm in love with Kia, of course, that was my intention, but deep down, I wanted nothing more but to hold one of her closest friends close to me, never letting go.

Yesterday was one of the worst and best days to ever exist. My favourite person was there, it was absolutely amazing, her friend however, was not. In my eyes, the man seemed nothing more than a person who didn't really let me speak. We were sitting next to each other, throughout the day, I was desperately trying to be near her, just be close. There was an empty yogurt squeeze next to where we were sitting, she grabbed it and started hitting me with it, I wanted nothing more than to hold her ever so tight and never let go. With a big smile plastered on my face, I try and grab it from her, however, both of us were squeezing the packaging too tight that it came out and went everywhere over her. She went to the bathroom laughing her heart out and I quickly followed behind her, apologising profusely.

She took off her pants, her shorts underneath them and tried to wash them. At this point, I'm grabbing as much tissues I can to wipe off the yogurt. Of course, I managed to get it on her jacket as well. I don't know how or when we became so close, but we did. Even thought we have so much history, so much hate, so much misery, we still managed to become something like friends. I remember gazing at her in a mirror, looking at her gorgeous lips and absolutely flawless hair, it was lovely, until I saw myself, walloping in my own self-loathing. Beside her, I feel as if I could be a shadow, a simple fly on a wall. so I complain about myself, my arrogance getting the better of me. She looks at me in the mirror, this time, she was analysing my face. She looked at me with an odd look, as if shes unimpressed with what I had said. "I don't see anything bad..." she says quietly, "the only thing I might change is this" she reaches her hand out to touch the so-called face-framing bangs that are oh so close to my face, gently swooping them out from my eyes.
I felt as if a million fire ants had bitten me at the same time. It was terrifying, but so very electrifying. Things seem to blue at this point, we were laughing and talking so loud, people stopped to see what we were doing the the girls bathroom. Eventually, we did make it out of there, the entire walk back to the lockers, she was complaining about it being cold. So I decide to give my jacket to her. She was thankful of course but it was so very bittersweet to be freezing and to watch her smile.
It was cross country. I didn't have to do it and I desperately wanted her to join me in my lonesome. Eventually, I was holding her hand, rocking it back and forth, gazing into her pretty powder eyes, telling her to stay with me,
"I'll get a detention.." she murmured, but I kept telling her that she wouldn't
"I'll get you a doctors note" I say back to her.
"You would get a doctorate in the span of 3 minutes?".
"I could do anything in the span of 3 minutes."

Despite her not sitting beside me and talking, it was beautiful. She left her headphones and her phone so I could listen to music, and i did. She ran, I listened.
When she got back from her race, she looked as if she had been punched in the gut. It was unsettling to see her in such a state but I decided that I was going to stay with her until she was okay. She said that she had left my jacket on a table and we needed to go grab it, so we did. We left together and walked together. However, not only was she considerably more slow, but it was as if she was going through a hangover but most of the alcohol was still in her system.
She was babbling on about everything, the race, teachers, eyeliners, lipsticks... it was one of the most sweetest thing I've ever seen.
I just wanted to hug her so very tightly. Then she started complimenting me, saying that i was very pretty, I had no flaws and that I was "hot".
I could feel the heat rising to my cheeks ever so quick, In fact, my body was boiling. Then when we finally grabbed my jacket, I was talking about something, then I went "I'm not THAT bad..." and she gave me another odd look.

She told me "what did you say before?"
I just pretended to not remember.
"you said that you weren't THAT bad, insinuating that you are still, a bit bad."
I'm completely silent, not even sure what I could say.
Then she continues on "you're not bad at all... you've just had shit happen to you and you're trying to cope."

It made me feel whole.
Made me feel like nothing is wrong with the world.
Then another one of her friends came passed, she looked as if she got dizzy again and was about to fall so I try and help her get more steady. One of her friend says "oh don't worry, if you were to fall, I'd catch you. Trust fall!"
Then in the most monotone voice someone could ever achieve, she looks at her friend and responds with, "but I don't trust you."
Then walks away with me, seconds later the sweet and woozy girl comes back, saying
"but I do trust you..." gesturing to me.
I don't think I've ever been more happy, how on earth did I even land someone so kind and forgiving..

I try to fight back though, I'm desperately trying to play my part in this whole facade.

"I don't want you to forgive me..."
she then says "why not?"
"Because every single time you forgive me, I ruin it." I say, truely hopeless.
"But this time, I'm not in love with you, so it's different."

My heart stopped, my body felt hot and claustrophobic. I've never, ever felt so tense. Even though my body language said that i wasn't upset, I could've filled a river full with tears. It was then, in that moment, that I didn't know what to do with myself. How could I possibly be in love with someone even though I know there is no possible way that they can reciprocate any of those feelings?

That's the thing with this girl. She's like a drug, she makes me want to die and live at the same time. I want nothing more than to take her until I pass out. I'm addicted to everything about her. I thought it was easier when she hated me, I was right. it is easier to be in love with her when she hated me. It's a horror being in love with someone but they don't love you the same. But now, she's my friend. She wants to be able to laugh together about stupid jokes on a picnic table. But I want nothing more than to hold her close to her chest and never let go.