"Leon" her voice triggered how absent I was. "Leon" Need a minute to think. After all that happened my life still being talked about. The night he died mum made some calls. What had me staring up a wall was mom was a good person, too good. She ain't gonna lie for my ass or anyone's. I remember how much she trembled when she talked to me that night , she was scared. It ain't like I would hurt her but I had taken a life. A living human being. A good one. I haven't been getting sleep and everywhere I go I don't feel okay. I had changed. I had wanted to grow up but if this is what growing up means I'd rather stay that sweet innocent skinny ass kid.
"Leon" more forced this time. "Yeah?" She gave me a sad look. Moment of silence. "Come on Lee its a joke chill" "eat a Twinkie like a bitch" "what's up little man!" Nah I ain't fucking doing this today. My pops always say crying for bitches. Real men don't cry. I'm not a bitch. I don't want to eat a Twinkie. Twinkie for bitches. If I cry right now I got everything to loose , if I cry I ain't grown up. Cuz Jake wanted me to grow up , my moms did. Pops did before he left. "Leon it's okay to cry" It might be cuz she a bitch.
"No it fucking ain't! I ain't a bitch like you I'm grown so keep you're opinions to yourself and leave me the fuck alone because nobody understands me! " I threw everything away on the table and started punching the wall hard. Of course it hurt me I'm still a weak nigga even after I took life from someone. I deserve it though. All the pain in the world should get down on me.
The poor therapist was horrified her hand on her mouth. Before I could say more to her someone grabbed on my hands hard. I was pulled out the room as the guy firmed his grip. Heel footsteps. It's ma. "Don't handle my son like that!" the guy gave me a glare before turning to ma. Before they could quarrel more the therapist walked to us fast. "Tell him to let go of my son right this second Rachel!" She didn't. "No I won't" Silence. Ma looked straight at her with those brown eyes but the woman stood by her words. Rachel laughed loud. What the fuck is happening. Is she stoned right now. Stoned from me? "Jake here wont let you're son go" Jake great remainders keep adding up. Stoned bitch laughed and patted Jakes arm. "Let me tell you that is not you're son you raised a disgusting monster" Another thing a mother doesn't want to see. Her black child that she gave everything to being treated like anything but human.
Ma slaps her hard. Jake lets me go to see if she's fine. It's all too much. So I run like the little kid I really am. I hear moms voice. "We don't need you Rachel" Last thing she said as she came up to me. Grabbed me hard by my wrist and dragged me away. "Ma!" "Boy not another word!"
She used to be the one to speak on car rides home I'm not good at this. "I want to know why you did it Leon" Fuck. "What do you mean?" I know it's going to come back to me in the future , what I had done. I didn't want to look back to it because every time I do I remember that scared look in his eyes. Jake was brave and I knew he would never hurt anyone but I had taken his life when I knew he was more of a brother than I was ever to him. I'm counting on minutes as if shit couldn't get worse and here is a mother asking her son a question she has every right to know. I couldn't have the courage to look her in the eye , call her ma and tell her facts.
This clicking sound. "Look at what I have here" I slightly turn to her as she parks the car away from the road. "Ma what the fuck you doing!" She laughed. As she kept quiet I understood what she was trying to do. She won't kill me I know that but she was trying to speak. Speak for Jake. "Son what if I brought this closer to you're face" I'd be horrified. It's paining when I think about how much Jake was scared that night. All I cared about was being something I wasn't and being a better version of him. I was jealous because I had everything to be jealous about because Jake was the type of guy who gets his mom flowers everyday after school. Tulips were her favorite and I remember he used to steal some from gardens. And it pains me to even imagine what she's going through even worse how she reacted when she found out who killed him.
"Ma I_ maybe I deserve to die bring that knife even closer" For the first time in a long time I let out all the frustration out. I hugged her holding onto her coat tight as if I never want to let go. "I close my eyes ma_ I see him trying to escape he was good to me" words got out as I sobbed all over her. My mom always said she'd be there no matter what kind of person I become. This ugly thing I've become and she the one woman by my side. I want to make things right now even though he's gone in a way he still lives. That knife still had his blood on it and a disgusting feeling turns in my stomach every time I look on my nightstand before sleep. There's monsters surrounding me and I want to pray and hope I can make it to the other side where all the good things have ever lived.
"Look at me boy" I looked up to her. She looks beautiful even after all those nights of sobs and screams. That's my ma. "The moment I gave birth to you I knew I would stick with you through heaven or hell , I promise it wont always be like this heaven will come you killed someone but you're still my son and loving you means letting you take consequences for actions you made I want you to give yourself"
"I want to go juvie ma"
