transparent

one - intro

We all sat around the dinner table looking disinterested and fed up. I sat there stabbing the watery piece of meat absentmindedly,

"Are you going to eat that Juno" asked my mom as she slowly pulled my plate away from me, "no" I said sharp and quickly. She stared at me with dismay and there was something about her eyes that seemed to poke at me, it was so filled with disappointment. "What do you want from me" I ask her already knowing the question she is about to ask,

"Why do you dress like a boy Juno."

I swallowed the lump in my throat and paused, "I like it" I admitted to her. Her mouth made a slight "o" shape with signifies that she's disgusted.

"Leave the kid alone mom, if she wants to dress like a guy then let her" said my brother with a reassuring tone, "thanks Blaze" I said smiling. I took a quick glimpse at my dad and he seemed just as displeased as my mom is, there was a splitting negative tension in the room and its all because of the way I dress, "I'll just go now, goodnight" I said as I briskly walked out.

These questions always seemed to bother me; I could be doing something fun and then I'd find myself questioning my gender or asking myself why I prefer to wear boys hoodies and cut my hair to an unreasonable short length (which my mom is still very uneasy about) then to keep my hair long and wear skirts and dresses and girl clothes. I honestly didn't know why I liked wearing clothes for the opposite gender myself, but something just felt right about it. It always occurred to me that I wanted to be a boy, but when my mind starts to wander into that supposedly deep dark place I normally just snap out of it. My family doesn't make it any easier all of them are highly religious, I honestly think if it was legal my parents would have Jesus' face tattooed on me or some crazy shit like that. Also my friends, aka the raging homophobes. I could never talk to my friends about someone I had a crush on, and to be fair I was always slightly confused about who I was actually attracted to.

Looking at the clock it was 9:45 pm and my schedule for tonight was to eat loads of unhealthy fattening food whilst drinking a mixture of orange juice and Jack Daniels while I happily catch up on Orange Is The New Black (a thriving show about a sexually confused middle aged woman that gets thrown in prison for being a drug mule for her dark and brooding ex lesbian girlfriend) I can assure you the show is simply great.

There was a knock on the door, "Juno" said Blaze, he stood idle , "come in then" I demanded. He walked in with an unsatisfying devious smile, "what do you want" I asked "I'm cutting school tomorrow, cover for me" he pleaded. I looked at him in surprise, mommys boy and straight A student do-gooder Blaze Kurt Fallon wanting to cut school? That's a first. "What's in it for me?" I asked him, he sighed and lowered his gaze, "I'll give you some of my clothes" he offered. Although my brother is quite unattractive and loserish he does have good fashion sense. "Deal" I said smirking, he smiled back "so you actually want my clothes? Such a boy" he said as he closed the door behind him.

My brother is probably one of the most nicest humans I know, he is a loser as I said before, but with his 20k+ followers on nearly all social media sites, to me he's cool as hell. I opened my laptop and the first thing I click on is a Tumblr bookmark. As I scrolled down my dashboard I see so many things that made me happy.

Let's support gay people
Stop killing!
Fuck labels!
Support transgenders

All these things just make me smile and it seems like the majority of people on the internet are so supportive of these things. But then I close the laptop and then I'm suddenly pulled back into dark and shitty reality. I slowly sunk into my bed and stared up at the ceiling reflecting on my life,

If you're a normal human being you obviously have done this sometime in your life.

Boy oh boy, what am I becoming.

A few years ago I used to date girls and put pink extensions in my hair, don't question it I was CC (confused and curious) an acronym Blaze used to say, I guess it's finally rubbed off me. Slowly I started changing and somehow craving that male side to me. I tried to push it away by doing more 'girly' things but curiosity and the discomfort and the overpowering urge to just say,

I'm a boy.

Was a little scary.

Believe me with all this weirdness, abnormal feelings and actions, there was bound to be a bag of bullying dragging behind it and I don't handle the B word quite easily. It's not just bullying at school it's bullying at home too, my mom constantly pointing hey finger at me, judging everything I say and do, me trying to express my emotions is actually becoming very hard. Everyone here is so used to the norm and so heartless when it comes to a situation that's different or when they encounter someone they're not used to.

I tried to tie my hair back, but it was way too short, so I grabbed some pins and pinned my hair to the side. I took off my bra and it honestly feels like heaven on earth, I looked down at my boobs,

"Sometimes I wish I didn't have these"

I turned off the lamp and rolled myself in the blanket, my eyes heavy and dreary, I fell asleep.