Echoes of the Lost

Who do I want to be?

You need to understand that I've never been good with words or saying how I feel out loud. I've never asked for help, nor do I know how, and I've always kept my problems to myself, thinking I would figure them out somehow.

Talking about feelings is something I've never learned; whenever someone asks me if I'm all right, my answer should be I'm fine. I was taught to keep people I love close and an arm's length away.
But I was never that kind of person, per se. I used to let people in, let them see all parts of me. I gave the people I loved my all, and when it was time to let them go, I let them walk. Sometimes I wonder where she went. The girl who lived wild and free, not caring about the lessons her mother preached.


They say change is good, a fresh start. You can choose whoever you want to be, and I just wanted to be me. But being me was never good enough: "too loud, too quiet, too skinny, too fat; her grades are good, but her social life is pretty bad.
Oh no, her Grades dropped, but now she's too social, or maybe she's just not smart enough." When the school sent me to a therapist so that I could talk about how I felt, the therapist told me I wouldn't amount to anything else that I should give up, so yes, I'm terrified of opening up.


I remember writing a letter to my mom and dad. I told them I felt Lost, broken, and defeat. I told them how there's a sadness I can't seem to shake inside of me.
I told them how I relied on self-harm to get me through the day, and they sat me down and lectured me on how other people got it worse than me. I remember thinking about how selfish I must be. I have everything I need, with a roof over my head, a warm bed at night, and a family that loves me, I should be fine, right?. It took me years to understand that my feelings just wanted to be validated from time to time. I just wanted someone to tell me the therapist wasn't right, someone to tell me I'm good enough for this life.
But instead, I got criticized. It took years until a few of my close friends figured out how I was coping with the world. They tried to help but realized I was too messed up, "Broken," they called me. So, I made a pack to keep to myself because being alone hurts less than losing someone else.

So opening up scares me and terrifies me to the core, and it's not because I don't trust you, because trust me, I do. It's just that opening up means getting attached, and getting attached opens up the opportunity to lose you.
And I'm not trying to hold on to my past; trust me, if I could, I would bury it six feet deep, somewhere where it can't find me. But I've spent years trying to heal my inner child, and it's been a rollercoaster filled with ups and downs. For every three steps I take forward, I take two steps back but trust me, I'm trying to let go of the past.
Sometimes, I panic for reasons you might not understand. My hands start to sweat, and I try to take a deep breath, but I feel like I'm running out of air.

Thousand of thoughts run through my head, and sometimes I can get them under control, lined up in rows, the good thoughts paired up with the bad, creating some sort of harmony in my head, and other days, it's a hurricane as they run wild and free, and they start to overwhelm me.

I learned how to function when I felt depressed, I learned how to function when I can't get the thoughts under control in my head, and I learned how to function on my own. So opening up doesn't come easy to me; opening up means letting you in, letting you see the parts I've hidden inside of me. Opening up means sharing the weight I've been carrying on my own; opening up means relying on someone else, and relying on someone else scares me.
Because what if I forget how to carry the weight on my own? What if the one person I let in has enough of me?
What if they leave?
What if I forget how to swim? Because opening up means standing in shallow waters, and when they leave, I will be thrown back into the deep end of the sea.

But I promise I'm trying to let you in, I promise I'm trying to reprogram my mind, and I know I can drive people wild. So I'm sorry if i ever push you away instead of asking you to stay. I just want you to know that I'm trying my best to change