City of the Anguished

Security

The shirt balled up in my hand, I cross the street with the gentle breeze caressing my exposed arms. In this world, we all pretend- passersby pretend to not hear the music oozing out of my headphones, you pretend to be busy and I pretend not to care. 

Maybe you are scared of getting hurt, maybe you are scared to like me back; and as the song fades into a thought, my words take over.

"I can fix you."

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I should have seen the signs when your "online" never changed to "typing". But in my defense, how do I identify a confused boy when I could not identify my wants myself?

He's unheard and scared, I say to my friends, turning a blind eye to their rolling eyes. I notice their forced smiles, all hiding the same words- it was the brink of my downfall. Was it your fear of "confrontation" that led you to end things through your friend? Or was it the fear of "loneliness" when you kissed me and spent the evening with her? Were you really "misunderstood" when you let your mother shame me for loving you?

"I can fix him."

While I tasted tears, you tasted her- and that is the only poem you could ever give me. I would have written endless things about the boy with the calm eyes even as he snatched my peace away, but I am nothing but just twenty- how do I distinguish the fear of losing someone from the fear of being alone?

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Blessed was I when my dream of experiencing a romance novel came to life. Maybe that's the best part of romance novels- living them. But neither a four-line poem nor a four-hundred-page book could answer my next question- what does one do when their favorite book ends? A book you had spent so much time with, a book that has changed you in so many ways, a book that has to be taken off the shelf because you could not take the ending. What do "happily ever afters" consist of? Maybe Cinderella was truly happy or maybe their "ever after" was for nine months. Maybe Prince Charming did not change overnight or maybe Cinderella could handle his new priorities with ease. Maybe their conversations did not turn into ruthless words and threats to leave all the time.

The brightness of the screen dulls his eyes as he stares at the messages from his broken family.

"Leave a message", his mom's voice says and I stare at the seven missed calls to my father.

I look at him and all I see is a broken man. He looks at me and all he sees is a girl he has to save.

"I want to fix you," I say.

"I want to save you," he replies.

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Self-help videos, "it-girl" quotes, clear boundaries- yet I am never ready for another man's false promises.

I blankly stare at the 'I would never ghost you' text as my message stays on delivered for days. Your pride keeps you from reaching out and my esteem keeps me from caring. In this battle of ego and self-respect, there seems to be a clear tie. Did I spend a day with you or was I constantly texting your abandonment issues? Were you truly offended by the way I spoke or is it your fear of getting hurt again? Did I like you or did I like the feeling of security of having someone?

The question follows as soon as the words come through.

"I can fix him."

But why?

Why do I keep saving others when I need to save myself?

Why do I keep invalidating the feelings of the one person I need the most in life to prevent others from leaving?

"I can fix h-"

No, I can save myself.