After Last Night | Chilumi

Chapter 09: A cup of coffee

Since that huge bed in my room was only occupied by one person, my hours of sleep became shorter and shorter, my work shifts longer and my days more boring. Everything seemed to be upside down in my life: sleep no longer had a place in my schedule; every night was an eternal struggle with myself to get ideas out of my head that never ceased. That idiot who was once my girlfriend kept giving me problems to think about in the early hours of the morning. Fourteen days after the party and six days since we separated, Lumine roamed the corners of my psyche without asking for permission, making me question even the smallest step forward I took in trying to forget her.

Five days I've been holding onto a lie, telling my mother via text message that everything is fine and that I'll call her soon; thirteen days fed up with Scaramouche, who doesn't stop reminding me that I'm an idiot for being so indecisive; five days I've been processing Tsaritsa's words, another person who recommended me to move on and focus on my things.

At the end of the day I would ended up with a very different kind of tiredness than I was used to suffering before all this happened. When I returned to the apartment, I would throw myself on the couch where Lumine was always paying attention to one of her hobbies: sometimes she had a canvas in front of her and painted various strokes that my poor mind didn't understand at a glance. Other times, a book or magazine in her hands. Whatever she did, she always left one hand free to caress my hair and mess it up when I rested my head on her lap. She was sweet and attentive, caring, bright like the sun that peeked through the window in the mornings.

I hadn't realized that, one day, she just stopped doing it. I found her sleeping, locked in her room, walking around the house with her headphones at one hundred percent volume, or scrolling on her cell phone. She seemed more bitter than usual, but I attributed it to problems with her mother; she looked more tired than usual, but I imagined it was because she liked to stay up late; her affection gradually disappeared, and still, I believed it had nothing to do with me.

I had been a poor idiot without realizing it all this time.

01:15 PM. The halls of the eleventh floor were almost deserted; lunchtime in full swing. I was still the only fool who preferred to feed his coffee addiction rather than eat something decent, so I walked alone down the hallway towards the shared kitchen to pour myself a hot cup of espresso and continue with my work. For some reason, I still heard feminine laughter behind me. "I thought everyone had gone to lunch," I said to myself, as I heard voices of a couple of girls approaching my direction. I turned a deaf ear and kept walking forward, approaching the kitchen door until I touched the doorknob. Entering and locking myself in that small space, I let out a long sigh and instinctively ruffled my hair. The light coming through the window was more than enough, so I set about making that damned coffee once and for all.

I took a seat at the small table in front of the counter and watched the stream fall into the generic cup I found in the cupboard. The minutes felt like an eternity, just watching intently the coffee pour itself. It had been days since my mind was not in order, even when I put all my effort into working and only working. It was always worked for me when I needed to keep busy, distracted, or simply needed to forget certain details of my day-to-day. Although, lately, work always led me to Tsaritsa, and Tsaritsa, back to the problems that surrounded my routine.

Her words, advice, and encouragement were carved in my head and they returned to me whenever I was silent. The last time I had a "deep" conversation with her, I ended up concluding that cycle of self-loathing and made a huge effort to let go of the memories of that heated argument with Lumine... at least for one or two days, until the cycle returned to its usual course of uncertainty. I believed Zarina, I believed Scaramouche and anyone with a bit more relationship experience than me. I genuinely believed them. I spent several early mornings meditating on my decisions, my words in that argument, their advice, and hundreds of factors that only Lumine and I knew, and everything seemed to fit: What kind of future could we have when we clearly no longer shared the same things? And even more so when she didn't want to spend her energy facing the situation! What was stopping me from taking a step forward? Why the hell was I still looking for excuses?!