heart to heart

chapter one

charlotte's pov:

i slowly flutter my eyes open, adjusting to the sunlight reaping through my open window as my alarm goes off. I turn over and get up halfway after turning off my alarm on my phone, sitting on the edge of my bed. "dang, why is it always so hard to get up in the morning?" i mumble, looking at the window. i eventually am able to get up, pushing myself off the suddenly insanely comfortable sheets and heading to the bathroom in my pjs.

i open the bathroom door, walking in and grabbing my toothbrush, brushing my teeth, thinking about what i should do for today. after i got bullied terribly in my first year of high school for being slightly different than everyone else, my mom agreed to homeschool me. sadly, after my dad came back, since my parents were never officially divorced, he could do a lot. now, dad's forcing me to go to high school 1/4 of the way through the final year. i really don't want to, especially because if anyone finds out i'm trans and spreads that, i'm utterly screwed. but, i still have to.

i snap out of my thoughts when i realize that i've been brushing my teeth for way too long, and i spit out the toothpaste and wash my mouth. i guess i'll just have to wing it for today and hope i don't die.

i head out of the bathroom and towards my bedroom closet, starting to have a small panic attack. i could wear the normal boys clothing that my dad keeps buying me, but i really don't want to. this year, i want to be known as a girl. i want to be a girl. lucky to my desires, my dad is gone for a week to some weird business trip thingy at a secretive hotel in Florida, and won't tell us anything about it, but it's fine, at least i get-

"charlotte! do you want to be late for your first day of school?!! come down here!" i hear my mom call out. i quickly throw on a pair of baggy, slightly-complex-in-shape-and-design-yet-appearing-comfortable pants and an extremely loose shirt which would probably immediately start to roll down to expose my shoulder if i moved, and i open the door and head out of my room.

shit.

i forgot to put on makeup. can i rush it in time and risk being late? i don't know, but i'll sure as hell try.

i head into the bathroom and find a box hidden in one of the top shelves. i look into the box of shaving utilities and razors, and find a hidden compartment. i reach in, grabbing a couple products and start hastily applying them, adding foundation, a couple other things to try to make me look a little less like a guy, and accidentally adding way too much mascara (but i actually kinda liked the look??) i put the products back in the secret compartment and close the box, returning it to its original position and heading out the bathroom door. (hey loves, sorry if this chapter is bad, i'm not the most experienced in makeup-applying)

I go downstairs, grabbing my bag and giving my mom a hug. "hey mom, sorry i'm taking so long, love you so much, bye!" i jumble a bunch of points into one sentence and head out the door, running to the bus stop. i hear my mom yell out "ok, bye!" as i make it up to the bus just as it was about to leave.

i walk inside the bus, immediately felling anxious. what if i enter the wrong room? what if i call the teacher mommy? what if i trip on air and fall in front of everyone? what if i raise my hand confidently and answer, and it's wrong? and another horrible, raging thought was: what if someone finds out i'm trans, and it all goes wrong??

i continue to bear with unsolicited torture as my brain forces me to think of all of these bad scenarios like i'm going into 5th grade instead of 12th, until i'm snapped out of it by the bus doors opening and kids starting to walk out. i dodge a couple backpack swings to the head and pack up my things, exiting the bus last.

i walk into the school, immediately overwhelmed by the amount of people here. "was it like this freshman year??" i mumble to myself, walking through the halls, trying to find room 317. i continuously look at the card i was given with the information i would need, trying to make sure that it isn't lying to me about the room number.

I eventually find the room, albeit around 5 minutes late. i swallow my fears and softly open the door, slightly wide eyed. "just wing it." i continue to tell myself, trying to not have a panic attack on the first day of senior year. it doesn't even matter that much...

"ah! you must be the new student! welcome, charlotte!" i hear soon after i hesitantly walked in. so mom didn't give them my dead name...nice of her... i think. i gaze at the whiteboard that had "ms. hayes" written on it, along with some homeroom information and social studies facts. "hi," i mumble out. nice introduction, smartass. "you can sit next to..." the teacher gazes around the room until her eyes land upon a shoulder-length haired boy, said hair being slightly parted to the sides yet still having some bangs. the boy had a sort of gradient hairstyle, with it being a dark brown at the top and lowering down in shade to a light-ish "sunlight" color at the bottom. highlights, maybe? he wore loose clothes, with oversized pants and a big t-shirt tucked into before-mentioned pants, with sleeves that cross his elbows but only just barely.

"kris! wake up! do you even know what's going on?" ms. hayes calls out. kris, so that's his name. the boy raises his head just enough so he can look at the teacher. his eyes were silver and sharp; siren eyes. 

"uh, i'm assuming that there's a new girl here?" he says bluntly. girl!! i think in my head quickly, before redirecting my attention to the boy. he seems kind of snobbish, as in sleeping in class and then giving sas to the teacher.

"god, we talked about this! you can't be doing this! you're weighing the class down with this unroll-model-like behavior!" ms. hayes says, anger in her tone. she quickly calms down, looking back at me. "i'm sorry, but you'll have to sit next to kris over there." she says. there must be some beef or something... i think before responding. 

"it's okay ms. hayes." i say, slowly walking over to the 2-person desk, and sitting down, plopping my bookbag down on the floor. the class slowly gets up into motion as i awkwardly sit there, trying to occupy myself by sorting out some of the stuff in my bookbag.

i suddenly hear a voice beside me. "hey." it said.

"hey." i responded to kris. 

i really am doomed...