𝐌𝐎𝐎𝐍𝐋𝐈𝐆𝐇𝐓- ᴄ. ᴄʟᴀʀᴋ

09

*— NARRATIVE

"IT'S been super top secret, you know," Paige had explained. "No PDA and that kinda shit. I mean, it was wild at first but I was, like, down for it."

"Cus our girl is hot as fuck," I added for the blonde, who grinned widely and nodded. Among other subjects, curiosity about Aspen and Paige's "friendship" had hooked me into a long story on how the two secret lovers had met.

"Yessir." We sat in a comfortable silence in my studio for three hours, nursing warm cups of coffee and getting to know one another. The circumstances that had brought us together were something we would laugh about for years, but I was grateful that I did meet Paige. "Cait misses you, man."

I distracted myself from answering by taking a long sip of the hot liquid, feeling it roll down my throat and into my stomach. Throughout our time together, I had fought off the urge to cry, scream, sink into a hole, throw myself off a cliff, and laugh. I suppose that was love, the bittersweet side of it.

"You know...she was gonna hop on a flight here last night," the blonde continued, tapping her fingers on the side of her cup thoughtfully. "I was told it took three people to stop her from jumping into her car and driving to the airport."

I chuckled sadly, breathing deeply. "We call a lot, especially after she transitioned to the WNBA. It's been rough, dude, it's been rough. But I remember...I remember she had called after you guys had, uhm, gone stargazing?"

"We had watched the sunset," I answered immediately, smiling at the fond memory. "And I had pointed out some stars when they came out, yeah."

"Right, yeah, yeah. Cait had called and began ranting for, like, legit, 30 minutes straight about how fucking awesome you were," Paige continued. "And I had never seen her so freaked out and stressed and anxious and happy in my life, not even before a game. I remember thinking...Man, I want to meet this girl because she's made a mess outta my girl, you know. She must be amazing."

The woman looked me directly in the eyes. "And she was."

I inhaled sharply, only realizing now that something was building up in my chest and throat, making it hard to breathe. "The funny thing is...it's been weeks since that night she called me. But nothing's changed. You're so fucking amazing, I mean, look at what you've done. And Caitlin's still a mess."

I chuckled, albeit sadly as I looked to the side bashfully, smiling at such a compliment. "I don't think I'm very good at this," I admitted after a long pause.

"Good at what?" The blonde asked, confused.

I shrugged, waving a hand around to indicate our surroundings. "This. Fame." My smile fell. "I'm...everything below exceptional."

"What are you talking about, Frankie? You're great at everything you do, dude. Like, I could never handle all this attention the way you do."

"I assure you, Paige, if I was truly good at handling my popularity, mentally, I wouldn't have talked to Caitlin in the first place," I stated, my face emotionless as I watched the basketball player's complexion turn into one of shock. "If I was good, I also wouldn't have walked away like I did. Leave, without anything more than a shitty text."

I sat forward, clasping my hands together, the heavy weight that I had been forced to carry in my chest growing with every word. "There are certain risks you'll take in life for love. For happiness. For success. I risked it all, I was ready to throw away my entire music career for Caitlin, that's how invested I was. How naive!" I laughed coldly. "I was so...stupid to think that my life wouldn't come to search for me, to take me back. I dream of all the different ways that that could've gone down. Every single time I relive the moment when I decide to leave without another word, I hate it. I regret it. And now...now I'm unstable on a very narrow see-saw I am standing on currently."

"My heart and my head, one on each side. My heart wants love, freedom, to run away into the fucking sunset like in the books. My head knows that I cannot throw away everything I have worked for, that's absolutely absurd! You can probably guess which part of me made the decision to meet Caitlin, and which decided to leave her."

"But that doesn't mean you are bad," Paige argued. "You just need some time to figure things out, that's all."

"You don't understand, Paige. I am on the brink of simply falling off. Losing my balance and toppling over. I am cracking under this pressure because I can't make a fucking decision! I'm selfish to think I can have both, to be able to love someone and live this life. You can't," I exclaimed. "That's not how fame works. I'm unsteady, at the breaking point, lonely, unhappy, depressed, anxiety-ridden, selfish, and so, so regretful. I regret everything."

I didn't realize I was crying till I felt the first tear land on my hand in my lap. I looked away, blinking furiously to clear my eyes. "S0 thank you, for everything you've done. But I think it's better if Caitlin and I go our separate ways."

"But...wait, hold on now. Think about it, Frankie. You can have both, you - you just have to work harder," Paige tried to say, but I was already getting up and shaking my head. "But you...you two love each other."

"She's lived without me for the last 21 years," I answered. "Believe it or not, it is rather easy for a tree to shed off dying leaves. You and Caitlin have so much potential. Don't waste your precious time trying to fix a broken person."

"Please, Frankie. She'll...she'll be so lost without you," Paige begged as she stepped outside. I had opened the door, silently inviting her to step outside. "Please."

I put on a fake smile. "I would say keep in touch, but I don't like thinking too far into the future. I just want to get to tomorrow," I spoke calmly. "Do you need anything? A hotel room? A plane ticket?"

"I -...nah, I'm crashing at Aspen's," the blonde stated after a moment, and I nodded. "Thank you for your time. And the coffee."

"Have a good night, Paige. Stay safe," I murmured, watching the woman hesitantly turn away. I closed the door before I could see which way she was going.

As soon as I shut the door behind me, a flood of emotions overwhelmed me, and tears started pouring down my cheeks uncontrollably. I felt my whole body start to tremble, my shoulders shaking, and my chest tightening as I slowly sank down to the floor. I wrapped my arms tightly around myself, unable to stop the quiet sobs escaping from deep within me. In the end, my mind always beat my heart. I was taught that the very first day in my new life where my success was worth more than anything I could ever love.

I stumbled up, grabbing blindly for something to hold before making my way through the room.  A cold hand clamped onto my heart, my lungs begging for air as I gasped, clutching my shirt.  The room felt too small, my clothes restricting as panic blinded me.

I leaned over the production table, choking on short, ragged breathes as my body shook.  Arms feeling weak, I hastily tried t slow my thoughts.  I couldn't hear over the roar of my blood or the thrumming of my beating heart, and my thoughts were too loud, too quick, like a train.

I couldn't breath, I could only my shaking arms below me, and my vision blurred with hot tears.  This was too much, everything was too much.

"Frankie!  Holy shit, you're alright?" The muffled voice made my ears ring as I felt a pair of hands pull me away from the console and sit me down on the couch.

I faintly recognized Luca, and remembered he must've just arrived as he tended to arrive early. I just shook my head, my body shaking softly as I leaned back, trying to control my breathing.

"Another anxiety attack?" The man asked as I closed my eyes, tipping my head back as the cold sweat tainted the back of my neck. Luca sighed. "Can you tell me what happened?"

"I'm fine," I rasped, clearing my throat. "Can you grab me a bottle of water, please?"

"Iris said someone came over to talk earlier," Luca reported as I heard him get up. "What happened? Anyone I need to beat up?"

"Just a...friend of someone I used to know," I murmured.  "They were passing by."