𝐌𝐎𝐎𝐍𝐋𝐈𝐆𝐇𝐓- ᴄ. ᴄʟᴀʀᴋ

18

*— NARRATIVE, MESSAGES

I was running, sprinting down a hallway that just led to another bare room, the wood underneath my feet making my steps echo loudly.  I was back in France, I was 16 again.  I was scared again.

  I gasped for breath as I burst into the living room of a home I didn't recognize but somehow knew in my chest.  From inside the building, I hear angry yelling and the crashing of dishes shattering on the floor.  The room was shrinking, closing in on me in every direction as I turned in rapid circles, trying to find a way out.

  Until I was being shaken awake, again, jolting upright with cold sweat gathering on the back of my neck and spine as I clutched Caitlin's tricep in a death grip.  The girl's face was lit by the moonlight that seeped through the blinds that hung in front of the window, her expression worried as I breathed rapidly.

  "Hey, hey, hey, you're okay," she murmured soothingly as she pulled me into her arms.  It was like this almost every night and it's been like this for the past three weeks.  I would have a nightmare, wake up in a cold sweat, and Caitlin would calm me down.

  Before, it was worse.  I slept very little when the brunette wasn't there for the first few days.  I would stay up as long as I could then, when I fell asleep due to sheer exhaustion only to awake in fear once more after only a few hours, I would pace my apartment.  Sometimes I would try to write or play music.  Other times I would read.  The TV was always on, the volume high to keep me awake.

  My mental breakdowns and flashbacks were significantly worse.  Even with the medication and constant therapy, I would crumble at the touch like a wilting rose losing its petals.  I wasn't eating as much, and the sun would rarely directly touch my skin.  The only times I would go outside were to either rush to the car or sit in my backyard and stare blankly at the clouds, wondering why they moved yet I was still right where I was left.

  Caitlin had become a pretty permanent resident in my home after her rookie season wrapped up.  She had won Rookie of the Year, which was incredible, and I felt guilty that she had to fly to New York to take care of me when she deserved to party and celebrate with her friends.  The people - her people - that understood the significance more than me.

  Yet here she was, comforting me in the early hours of the morning, the sun had not even peaked from behind the horizon.  And here I was, a complete mess.

  "Another one?" Caitlin asked softly, kissing my head gently as I nodded.  The worst thing about my nightmares was that once I would wake, I would stay awake.  I couldn't seem to fall back asleep, no matter how much comfort Caitlin could provide.

  "Go back to sleep, I'm going to get a glass of water," I whispered, quietly untangling myself from the hug and walking out of the room, body tense from the adrenaline still pumping through my veins.  I made my way quietly through the hallway till I got to the kitchen, flicking on the lights over the island.

  I rubbed my eyes tiredly, stifling a yawn as I opened a cabinet to grab a glass cup. I filled it with water from the fridge dispenser and leaned against the cold stone, staring blankly into the darkness of my apartment.

  "It's going to be bad for a while," my therapist, Angeline, had said at the end of our first session with the shifted schedule.  "But I assure you, it'll get better.  You just gotta keep fighting, just a little longer."

  My public social media account, run mostly by Avery and Sky, was taken away completely from me and all other connections online until I improved enough to be allowed back on.  But I knew what they were saying.  I released a statement two weeks ago, basically stating that I'm putting my mental health first and I hope everyone understands, and that I love and appreciate all the support, yada yada yada.