CARA MIA - THEODORE NOTT

bond

The day had been going pretty good until I reached the time period I told McGonogall I would meet her in. It's my only spare of the day so now I have to miss the debrief of last night.

Walking up to her office my stomach turns. One because I'm nervous and two I am hungry from not eating breakfast this morning.

I knock on the door, "Come in."

"Good afternoon, Professor." I keep it professional.

"Hello, Miss Brown. I'd like to discuss your academics this year."

Oh shit, I just nod my head unsure how to reply.

"As you know you missed almost a whole term of school due to family business," I continue to only nod, "Right, well, due to that you are barely passing your subjects as you missed many assignments and exams."

"But I thought retaking them was an option?" That's what my mother had told me.

"Unfortunately not. You'd need to get top marks to get your grades back to how they were before you left."

"I can do that." I'm prepared to do anything. I'm also not dumb so most subjects come easy to me.

"I hope you can." Her smile is faint but there.

"Thank you." I stand up to leave.

"Just one other thing." Sitting back down again along with the pit in my stomach returning.

"Yes, Professor?"

"How are you?" This was out of the blue.

"I'm fine."

"Jaida, this is a terrible thing that has happened to you, you're allowed to not be fine."

"Yep, but I am fine."

"Well, my door is always open." She grabs my hand and hers are so warm.

"Thank you."

"Have a nice afternoon."

"You too." I speed out of her office. Obviously I'm not fine if I can't even tell her how I am feeling without breaking down.

In actual fact I wake up every morning and my stomach drops when I remember my father is dead. Then I got about my day feeling sick to my stomach trying to remove the thoughts that it's my fault. That's the main reason why I can't eat. Then randomly when I'm having fun or feeling happy, I hate myself for it because I shouldn't feel any good emotion as he cannot. Or if anyone decides to become too close to me I run away knowing something could happen to them and the cycle would repeat itself.

This is why I don't think Fred and I are going to work as much as i'll try and hope I can't get close to him. Speaking of that I'm going to go talk to him about it. I'm pretty confrontational but not in this way I despise deep and meaningfuls because I can talk about emotions without sobbing uncontrollably. It's extremely embarrassing.

The lunch bell rings so I walk over to the courtyard where I'm meant to meet Fred. Since I was out early I arrive before him.

Pansy texts me asking if i'm talking to him about it and then wishes me luck.

"Hey, love." He sits down kissing the top of my head.

I wince at the affection knowing i'm going to hurt him, "Hi." My voice is already shaky.

"What's wrong?"

Students start to flood outside to eat their lunch so we find a more hidden area to talk.

"I don't think I'm ready for a relationship." I blurt it out.

"Oh, I see."

"I really like you Fred, just with everything my head isn't in the right place."