Brief Introduction Into Teenage Stupidity (MxM)

Chapter 1

If someone had asked me, I wouldn't have said that I was in a bad place at the moment.
More recently, if I didn't have at least one panic attack during the day, I felt like I didn't accomplish anything.

Today, I was lucky enough that my brain decided to wait for me to finish my shift at the work, sit in the car and park outside my building before it started making problems.
I was somewhere between fainting, throwing up and being dizzy but I also had a hard time catching my breath. Every time I tried, it felt like someone was sitting on my chest. 

Sometimes, when it got really bad, I tried to calm myself by pretending I watched my life from the outside, like I was an objective spectator to this tragedy.

It also helped when I somehow tried to summarize the last few months and what had gotten me into this shit. I always thought people were melodramatic when they said their whole life flashed before their eyes in a moment, but recently that was the case for me.

Only it wasn't my life that was flashing between my eyes. Instead, it was a random kid, Colin. I later learned what was his name. The images of him giving me money, taking all of the pills I had to sell that night. I can clearly picture him waving goodbye to his friends at the club, that little self-satisfied smirk like he knew he would have a blast later that night. Then, of course, the picture that was circulating all over the internet for some days: Colin on the floor, bloodless, dark eyes wide open. Dead. 
There was no misunderstation, he overdosed the same night. 

I would love to say I didn't have any part of it, but little bags and some leftover pills on the floor around him told a different story. He must've taken everything he bought that night at once. And the amount he bought was enough to get you through a week or two, at least five days if you were desperate. And he got it all from me earlier that day.

Now that I think about it, I don't even know why I had that much stuff on me. Yeah, it was a weekend, and it was summer, and the sales always went through the roof once the rich kids got the whiff of it but it really wasn't usual for me. It was really just my luck that I had to witness the immediate consequences of my actions. Simply said, everything about his death pointed back to me. 

During my time here, I made a whole list why it couldn't be my fault. Really, how could it be? I was so fucked up at the time that I repressed some parts of it. I was starting to be in over my head, needed more and more money and didn't dare ask anything from my dad or sister because I was already paranoid about them suspecting something wasn't right. I was always a bit absent-minded; my grades never were good but at that time I really felt like I was moonwalking most of the day and I didn't know how to snap out of it. I would sleep the whole day and then spend every night outside, couldn't think clearly and was constantly getting distracted, failing to think about anything other than what excuse I would use next for going out and not coming back until early morning hours, what I would do when my father really had enough, would I be able to continue sneaking out and, of course most importantly, where would I get money that I desperately needed.
The only arithmetic I did back then was to calculate how much I would have after every night, how much could I borrow or steal during the day without anyone getting suspicious and started asking questions. I even used my creative writing skills to compose messages to Sam and Riven in which I was explaining why I, once again, couldn't join them for drink or go to the cinema with them.

The trickiest part was trying to explain how all of the sudden I was going out every night. They both knew I didn't have any other close friends. I never asked money from them, I was at least smart enough to realize there was an unwritten border I shouldn't cross. If I had asked, they would've gotten me the money, but I knew I wouldn't be able to pay them back and there were bound to be questions after that.