My True Love

Chapter One: The Girl

My mother was a monster. I loved her so much though, that I started believing that I was the problem. I never knew my biological father, I had a step father though. He was an alcoholic for many years. Only stopped after both my younger sister and brother were born. I went through so much by myself and having to protect them was my only goal. 

I was young when the abuse started to happen. I remember being only five being locked alone in the dark basement, for doing something wrong. Being locked down there for hours on hours, crying and begging to be let up stairs. That was only the beginning of the punishments, I've been locked in the basement, the attic with porcelain dolls, the spiders, the cold showers, not allowed to eat, and my mothers personal favorite, her prize winning leather belt. When I was ten, I remember my dad outside with his friends burning the wood pile. I was watching tv when one of his friends came in, came on top of me, I was screaming and crying for him to get off. He never did, that night I lost my innocence. I tried telling my mother, but the only thing I got was “you're making shit up again” or “ i dont have the energy to deal with today”. It was heartbreaking but what do you do when no one is there to help? I counted the days until my eighteenth birthday, and had a plan to get out. My best friend Jenny, the only one truly there for me. Took me into her family, took care of me, my abuse finally ending. 

From the time I left all I did was work, nine to five, then ten to six. I saved and saved, finally able to afford a car and a small apartment. I felt free. After a year, my mother contacted me and I was stupid enough to answer. I was my siblings practice then their games, then them begging me to come home. That was a mistake, going “home”. It was good until her crazy started showing again. “You live under my roof, my rules” is her favorite saying all the time. From then she drained my bank accounts, not for rent, food, or to help with the kids. For her addictions to alcohol and drugs. From that, I found a closer job at a local butcher shop, one town over, easy drive and quick to get home when the kids needed me. The pay is bearable now, being a lead and running my own crew. First thing I noticed that drew my attention was a 6 '2, green mixed with a slight hint of brown eyes, and shoulder length hair. Pretty well built man, meaning he was fit but also had a few pounds. I remember him standing by the trim table. He was cute and adorable, but my confidence would never be. My Mother set me up with this guy from the firehouse we volunteered at, he was also 6 '2 or 6' 5, a dad bod, brown eyes brown hair, he was cute. I thought he was sweet and kind. I was the one to ask him on a date, I should have known the first week he was trying to blow me off, saying he was sick . But my mother kept pushing me to go out with him. Texas Road House was our first date, he barely talked to me or showed interest, he “ forgot his wallet at home”, so I paid. Almost seven months of arguing about stupid things, like dying my hair or getting a tattoo, or even my dark humor. I ended up pregnant. I found out  in September, I told him and all I got was “ I can't, I can’t have kids, They told me I couldn't”. After a while of feeling abandoned and being alone I had enough. I dropped his things off and told him it was over. He begged and begged for another chance and I was stupid enough to give him it. We moved into his parent farmhouse with his parents a field over from us. We moved in just after our son was born. I went back to work after a month, and that's where my true color started to shine. He would ignore me, any questions I never got an answer. Our son, he'd never take care of him, it's only me. I'm up with our child, I'm making the bottles, I'm changing his diapers, I bathe him, I dress him. He doesn't unless he has to. Worst part is, if I'm not there to help he calls his mother. I'm tired and feel unloved. I want out, I want to be free again.

Do I have to feel like I'm trapped in a relationship, just because I have a kid now? Can I escape this? Or do I just keep to myself and shove my feelings away?