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Chapter 10: Bristol

I think the second half of that trial went fairly well, at least by my standards. But we didn't come to a resolution, so now we have to come back tomorrow for day two. Isn't that great? Just the thought of seeing Maven's face one more time makes me physically ill.

After the trial, Jared's driver drives us back to the beautiful Simmons & Co building, glittering against the night sky. It feels strange to be coming here after work, instead of going to my old apartment. The building has Jared's name on it, bold and proud at the very top, and it makes me feel like I'm connected to him, in a way. I guess this is one of the side effects of being a personal assistant.

During the car ride, Jared asks me more random questions. Like what type of music do I like, did I enjoy my time at Columbia University, stuff like that. Then, when we're in the elevator, he asks me, "What do you want in life?"

This startles me and honestly stresses me out a little because it gives me flashbacks to my college and law school interviews. What do you want in life? How am I supposed to answer such a loaded question? There are so many ways I could interpret it...

I meet Jared's eyes and I think they're the most beautiful things I've ever seen, sparkling under the elevator lights with a playful curiosity. "I want a lot of things," I say with a shrug. "Don't we all?"

He chuckles a little, seeming displeased with my response. Well, that's the best I can give him. What did he want me to say? That I want to fall in love with somebody and see the entire world with them? That I hope I have enough time in my life to do and learn everything I've ever wanted, and I'm afraid to let any opportunity pass me by?

He just moves on to another difficult question. "Do you ever want a family of your own?" And maybe it's the tiredness getting to me, but I feel heat rise to my cheeks. I think I owe him an honest answer, though.

"It does sound nice," I say. "But you can't have everything, you know. Sometimes you have to choose...between a family and a career." I don't add that I hope I never have to make that decision. I hope I can have all of it.

Jared nods sympathetically. "I completely understand," he says with an expression I can't read. "I sometimes feel like...I can never love anybody as much as I love my work."

This is crazy, how Jared Simmons is confiding this to me in an elevator. But it's also not surprising at all—I would assume many CEOs and businessmen feel the same way.

"It takes work," I say quietly. "To learn to love people correctly." And the elevator drops me off at my floor, leaving our unfinished conversation hanging there.

"Good night, Bristol," he says to me as I step off. "Give me a call if you need anything."

It's as if he knows I'll have trouble sleeping tonight. But I know I won't give him a call. That would just be absurd.

꧁꧂

I thought I had calmed down after everything that happened today, but even after eating dinner and taking a good long shower, I find myself dreading the prospect of getting into bed and trying to sleep.

This is just what Maven does to you. He has such a presence that completely overwhelms you, which is what happened to me when I was first introduced to him by an attorney I was interning for. He makes you think he loves you and cares about you, and then you refuse to admit to yourself that he sees you as part of a machine, like he sees everyone else around him. He sees the world as a game he can play to his benefit. Maybe that's what makes him such an exceptional lawyer.

I find myself curling up in my bed and desperately trying to fall asleep. I take some melatonin, but it only drains my physical energy, and my brain is still replaying memories of Maven that I thought I had already forced to the back of my mind.

I try to make my brain cells shut down, but the vestiges of fear and anxiety still remain, and I can't ignore the pounding of my heart that just won't go away. The rational part of me is frustrated, because I realize I need to get enough rest or I won't do well in tomorrow's trial. Finally, after an hour, I drift away into sleep. But boy, it isn't that simple. Maven even shows up in my dreams. I have many vague dreams about him holding my wrist tightly enough to leave bruises, because of some stupid reason like he didn't want me talking to my male friends at an event.

When I wake up in the middle of the night after one particularly unsettling dream, I tiredly check the time on my phone, and it's 3:15. I decide to get out of bed because I'm fed up with this. So I go out onto my balcony and watch the city, feeling the cold wind on my face. The streets are still full of people and cars, even at 3 AM, and it makes me wonder if all these people have felt the same sadness that I have. I already know the answer is yes, everyone has lived their own nightmares, whether big or small, and it makes me even more sad.

I always had two questions running through my head—why doesn't he love me? What did I do wrong? It took me time to realize, though, that it wasn't my fault he didn't love me. It was all his, and it was out of my control. I couldn't change who he fundamentally was. I remember yelling at him once, telling him, "You know what I think your problem is? You can't love someone without wanting to control every part of their life. And I think that's a big personality flaw."

It was difficult to find the strength to escape, but it is even more difficult to remain strong.

I take some deep breaths of the warm night air, and I force myself to have some discipline and go back to sleep for a few more hours. When I wake up to my alarm at 6:30, I feel a little dazed, like I'm living a life that isn't really mine. I know it's probably because I'm still tired. Or because of how chaotic these past two weeks have been. Above all else, I need to be professional today. I need to be on my game. I can't let my emotions get in the way.

So I do my makeup carefully, and I stare into my blue eyes in the mirror, trying to find the beauty that Jared saw in me the first day we met. I don't know why, but when I'm around Jared, I always feel beautiful. He has a way of looking at me that makes me crave his presence. And he makes me feel braver, even if I do still get a little scared around him.

When I was with Maven, it was the first time I cried because I thought I wasn't pretty enough. Of course before then I'd gotten insecure like any normal person, but never like that. Deep down, I had always trusted what strangers and casting agents on the streets said about me since I was a kid. Like in my mother's Instagram comments: Your daughter is so gorgeous, she should be on the cover of Vogue. Beautiful blue eyes.

The elevator doors open, and Jared is already in there. And I can feel his warmth, his magnetism. I can feel him trying to read me like a book, and maybe he is getting better at it, because I can see the moment his face shifts from impassivity to concern.