A Light in the Darkness (A Mommy Journal)

  This is my story. My story of my pregnancy and being a mom. I wrote it out of order because I write when I feel the urge to. I write about what I want to do at the moment. Please be patient with how I write as well. I am not the best with words.

I dedicate this journal to my baby girl Noelle. Love you so much. I also want to dedicate this to my wonderful boyfriend for being there with me through everything. I know it was a new experience for the both of us. I'm not sure how I would've gotten through this without you.

Also want to dedicate this to my boyfriend's mother. She made me feel ebay about going through this. She went to most appointments with me, she explained a lot of stuff that I was confused about. His mom helped so much through the pregnancy and also helped a lot with the baby when she got here. I really appreciate her so much and am forever thankful that I have her in my life.July 4, 2024

No one will ever prepare you for what it is like in motherhood. I was told to sleep when the baby sleeps, and never shake the bottle because it adds bubbles.I was told this would be the best time to bond with the baby. You will miss this time with her, they never stay this tiny forever.Keep the head covered with a hat. Don't forget the socks on the feet. Make sure to bring something to cover the stroller to keep her warm but not too thick of one so she won't suffocate. Make sure you don't coddle her too much or she will become dependent on you. You don't want a velcro baby. But what they don't tell you is how incredibly lonely it is.

You can have the whole village behind you and the room full, but it doesn't matter. THe first year and a half that I have been a mom, I have never felt so lonely. I hide it all the time because I don't want to be a bother but my boyfriend has picked up on it a few times because I have no emotion or I seem upset or distant. I always told him I was fine. Most nights the first 10 months or so I would be up crying. Sometimes it would be about how tired I was or how unbearably lonely I was.

I remember one time I was so upset and lonely. I called everyone I could so I could just hear a voice, but everyone was busy and couldn't talk. All I wanted was just a conversion with a voice that could respond instead of just a gurgle or burp followed by throw up. Most days I would lay in bed not move unless I needed to make a bottle, change a diaper, or go to the restroom myself. I would go one to two weeks without a shower, because I couldn't bother to go. Even though I wanted to hear people's voices, I didn't want to be around anyone. I think I had postpartum depression.

I talked to my sister about how i was feeling and how i felt i might have postpartum. She told me no. She knows what it's like because she had it. Not wanting to be around people doesn't not mean you have it. The only way you can have it is to not want to be around your baby. All I could say was, ok... cool. I felt like i was falling further in because no one could understand and felt i couldn't talk to anyone about it. I could have talked to my boyfriend but I didn't want him to see me like that. I felt so horrible. I thought that I needed to handle it myself because I'm a mom now. I'm supposed to do everything, know everything. It felt like I was failing if I talked about it.I know if i would have talked to him i would probably felt somewhat better. But I never did.

I would feel so bad about how I would ask for help from him when I did. He would ask if I wanted to go wherever he was going that day and of course I would tell him no. I didn't want to be around people and close to my bed. He would ask a few times and still I would say no. So when he would leave I would start to cry because I couldn't tell him how I was feeling. Then I would get so frustrated because i wouldnt figure out why the baby was crying. Would burp her. No, not it. Maybe she's hungry, so I made a bottle. Nope. She's not even drinking it. Maybe she wants to be rocked and cuddled. No again. So I would call him telling he needs to come home because I can't do it. I would be upset and it came off angry. He told me he will be home soon.  I would tell him I'm not pondering off the baby to someone. She is our responsibility. So I would hang up on him then cry. I cried because of how I commuted with him.