Roses Grew From Concrete ( A Jamaican Love Story)

7. Ashamed & Scared

📍At home

I stopped by Mum earlier today it was now 8:17 PM in the night and I was up texting  Ali

Her number along with Mum's and my mother's number was the only number stored in my phone

My mother and Sean would search my phone regularly because he insisted on me not having a boyfriend which my mother agreed with so I never took any of my other classmate's phone numbers or anybody interested in me

I got asked out several times and turned them down
Scared of what would happen if my mother and Sean found out

In reality, Sean wanted me for himself the night after he searched my phone with my mother that's when he told me when he came into my room

"Yuh body a mine fi fuck and play wid nuh likkle bwoy caah take yuh from me"

Even Ali asked me why I don't have a boyfriend
And I would brush it off saying "Man a stress and mi nuh need that Ina mi young age"
And we would laugh about it

That was true though but it wasn't my truth I just have a stepfather who insists on me not having a boyfriend because he wants me for himself

Ali doesn't know that thou
because of how ashamed and scared I would have lost my Mom completely
I never shared that part of my life with anybody they only knew about the domestic violence part of it and they only found out because some bruises couldn't hide

It got extremely bad once and I almost took my life in my bedroom and Sean came to my rescue

Not because he wanted to be a saver
because he won't have anybody to make him cum
his words

He told my Mom and I got beaten to the point of unconsciousness

They wanted me to suffer

Dying was the the only way to end all of this and not even that I couldn't have done in peace

I cut myself in both of my wrists so deep I almost died I was admitted to hospital for weeks in the suicidal ward under watch

Professionals have tried countless times to help me but I would shut down completely

I was not going to sit down and talk about years of trauma with a therapist and walk out the same person with the same traumas that keep me up at night

What's the sense?

Sympathy? Certainly not, I hate feeling sorry for,
I hate pity.

As much as I would like to see Sean dead receiving the worst death there is to offer
I know how badly it would affect my Mom if he left and I would hate to see her broken

It would break me even more than how I'm broken to see her hurt because of me

I would do anything to make her happy
I know she isn't the ideal mother but I just think she's lost  which results in her treating me like this

I know that she loves me regardless and this is her way of showing it

I lay there in thought until I saw my room door open and my mother came in

"Wash out Sean's clothes dem tomorrow and mek sure uh clean him work shoes," she said turning on her heel

I sighed turning on my bed and trying to find a comfortable position

Oh shit! I forgot Ali told me to call her

I took up my phone from under my pillow and dialed her number she picked up immediately

Ringing...
"Hi Mama, yuh seh uh did wah talk to mi"

" Ayye mi baby. yeah uh rememba wen yuh ask mi how mi living situation did aguh
well, Mommy have a house wid two bedroom a Kingston and she did a ask mi why me and you don't stay there since it lock up and nah use so mi tell har seh uh nah guh university and she ask me why and mi tell har everything yuh did tell me and she say she would like to speak with you after we finish prepare fi picture day Thursday" she said

" A wonda a wah now Ali?" I asked seeking some clues.

"Mi woulda tell uh if mi did know," She said chuckling.
I know she could sense my nervousness

"Alright Sista tomorrow mi aguh try sleep cause uh know a wul day sumn tomorrow," I said giving him virtual kisses

"Tomorrow love you"
"Love you more"

I hanged up

I placed my phone under my pillow
turning on my side and closing my eyes

I fell asleep.

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