The Rhodes Method

nineteen

Ben, he loved her like he loved no one
The way she laughed and held a smoking gun
The way she always said "What's done is done"
--- Velvet Ring, Big Thief

OCTAVIA RHODES

After Myles leaves, life drags on slowly.

As Vince is gone for a few days to help Myles, it is just Logan, Damien and I. Myles is the glue of the family and Vince is the order and peace, so it is not surprising that everything falls apart. It is not common for this three-sibling trio, in fact, I think Damien and Logan's sibling relationship is more strained than Logan and mine.

While I have Logan to depend on for studies, and he has become a type of mentor for me in some way, this is a little different from Damien, who is a little too close in age to Logan to view him as an older figure. Only two years apart, they exist in a territory between closeness and distance due to their different personalities and similar experiences.

It is apparent, very apparent now more than ever, how closed-off Damien can become. How much he will distance himself when he does not have Vince to ground him and Myles to convince him to stay at home. So he is gone again, like usual. He runs from his problems. Our talk a few nights ago does not seem to matter to my older brother because fot the three days Vince is gone, Damien leaves in the early morning and returns home around midnight.

This does not make it easier on me, as now I am forced into a very compromising situation: being alone with the brother who I can never seem to get along with.

So I keep my distance. I train in the backyard, go on runs, and eat in my room. Logan does not seem to mind. He locks himself in his bedroom as he finishes the last of his college exams, so the tension — the distance — between us can be excused.

If Myles was here, I could talk to him about all of this.

If he was feeling better, if he was the Myles from a year ago, I would be willing to share my thoughts and burdens with him because I would not fear him crumbling.

Firstly, I would tell Myles how scared I am. How scared I am for Damien and for our whole family.

I would explain to him how Damien and I's relationship has become fractured when he runs away. Because when he runs, he does not listen to me, and it makes it harder to confess my secrets to a person who won't be here to listen.

I would then tell Myles about Logan and I. And how I have never been able to explain this disconnect I have had with my second oldest brother. "We are so different," I would tell Myles, my voice low, quiet, unsure. Logan thinks with this head. He is smart and strong and does not act in aggression and does not fall apart like I do.

After all of this, I would tell Myles that I have never felt so lost before.

But I suppose that maybe I would never need to confess this to my brother, who, for as long as I can remember, has understood me like no other. Maybe that is why I haven't been so lenient on my supposed ex-friends — because I have Myles, and he is enough for me.

"Dinner's ready Octavia."

I blink. My foggy thoughts disperse, and my surroundings are suddenly clear. I stand in the backyard, my hockey stick in my left hand, the puck on the floor.

I stare down at the puck and then my brother, who stands halfway inside the house, with his other foot outside, to stop the backyard door from closing.

"What?" I say, missing his words completely.

He sighs loudly, slightly impatient. "Dinner."

"Oh," I say. "I think I'll stay outside for longer."