The Edge

Luca: Part Nine

I'm sorry. I didn't know. I wish I had known.

The thought ran through Luca's head over and over. Eventually, the screams quieted, leaving only his racing thoughts. Luca still couldn't shake the feeling he was being watched, glared at disapprovingly from somewhere in the cracks between crystals.

Like any second now, Nightmare Cassandra would reappear and start screaming at him again.

The risk should've gotten him moving again. He knew he technically couldn't outrun a hallucination, but trying felt better than sitting still and waiting for it/her to come after him. One small problem: in his panic, he had scooted himself right into a corner. He'd have to go back the way he came if he wanted to get out.

Nothing was chasing him. He knew going back would not put him in any additional danger. But rational or not, going back towards the place where the whole nightmare had started felt like deliberately throwing himself into the fire. His self-preservation brain had kicked in and he could not make himself move.

"...okay," Luca squeaked. "Guess I'll just..." He pulled his knees up to his chest and hugged his legs. "Wait here, then."

His legs pushed the journal against his chest. He was kind of surprised he'd managed to hold onto it while he was panic-scooting away from his hallucination. Luca adjusted it so it was more firmly nestled against his ribs. That little book was the only physical connection he had left to his sister. The only insight he had into what was going on in her mind, if he only dared to keep reading it.

Do I dare?

He'd already read part of it, but reading more somehow felt like a major transgression. It was like he'd been caught reading it before, and that was what had triggered the hallucination. Besides, what kind of pathetic idiot brother needs to snoop in his sister's diary to find out what's wrong with her?

Luca gritted his teeth. If he didn't already have stress-related TMJ, he was sure going to after all of this. "I wasn't ignoring you," he said aloud. He wanted to verbalize what he was thinking and feeling, even if she wasn't there to hear it. "I promise I wasn't. I know, maybe I could've..."

Could've done what? More? That felt like asking himself to do the emotional equivalent of walking on a broken leg. Didn't stop him from thinking maybe he could've done more.

"The whole situation's a mess," he said. "But I'm trying to make it right, okay? I still can. We still can."

Not just by finding her; if they could figure out what had gone wrong, fix that, too, they wouldn't just be bringing her home. They'd be making everything better, or at least starting to. Luca had spent enough time in therapy to know whatever it was would take a lot of time and effort. But that didn't mean he shouldn't try.

Luca tried to move slowly as he pulled back out the notebook. He might've been determined to do this, but part of him was still very, very nervous about being spotted. Being stuck in a corner wasn't helping, but the thought of moving still made him queasy.

Read a little bit, see if it gets you out of your head, then try moving. It was as good a plan as any. Luca started from where he'd left off.

Helen called again. Didn't return the call. I don't have the mental energy to deal with her right now. Her therapist really needs to talk to her about not being such a fixer.

Luca fixed himself for another Cassandra hallucination to start screaming at him about reading more, but one never came. That gave him the courage to keep going.

I'll have to ask Arian if she's been like that with him, too.

No, I won't do that. I don't want to drag him into this. He might make a bit deal out of it or something. I don't want him to get in trouble.