A Tamil Lesbian Wedding

Get it together

Sharini held Sheetal's hands from inching any further when she felt the latter continue to dry her neck.

“What do you think you are doing?”

Her tiredness had long flown out the window, she was a little flustered at the latter's actions, but she was more hurt by her words.

Sheetal blinked, words frozen and forgotten. The teacher's hold on her wrist and her sharp eyes staring into her soul kept her rooted to the spot.

“Stop messing with my mind and heart, Sheetal.”, her voice came out strained yet strict. She meant it. She was being pushed to an edge and she had to speak it out, or it would torment her.

Sheetal felt her breath hitch when the teacher stood up and inched closer, caging her at the table.

“Stop for a minute and think back to what you have been doing in the past few days.”

“One moment, you're excited to see me, the next moment, you are shouting at me.”

“One day, you raise my hopes up to the skies, and the next day you shatter them along with my respect and emotions like they mean nothing.”

“One night, you apologise and confess that you share my feelings, and another night, you blame your pain on me.”

“This needs to end-”, the teacher's voice flatters “-please”, her eyes distracted by a strand of hair flying across the shorter girl's face. She released Sheetal's wrist, and gently tucked the loose strand behind her ear, her fingers lingering just along the line where her jaw meets beneath her ear.

“I can't look at you without a dreaded feeling of guilt drenching my soul after what you said to me. You said you hate yourself and that is because of me.”

“I don't think I will ever be able to get that thought out of my head. Am I such a monster, really? Do my feelings towards you make you question your self worth?”

“When I thought about confessing my love for you, the one thing I did not expect is to become a burden to you. A person who is the cause of your pain.”

“Sheetal, regardless of the emotions I harbour, I wish you do not change the way you love your self. Liking someone from the same gender doesn't make you any less of a human. And to think that you are the one who taught me to love myself, now seeing you slip away from yourself makes me sick.”

“I'm human too, Sheetz. I'm hurting too. If you think I'm not worried about what ifs, you are wrong. I do.”

“A part of me wants to live in the moment your eyes showed me your love. I yearn for the second to last for my lifetime. But I know that is far from reality. And I understand you. I vowed to myself to stand by you, to respect your decision.”

“Still, I want to be selfish. I want to take a chance, come what may.”, Sharini's tender fingers hesitantly enclosed Sheetal's face, the latter leaning in, teary eyes still holding contact, trying to get lost in the abyss of affection and yearning the teacher's eyes held.

Struggling to handle the intensity of emotions the teacher's eyes harbour,  Sheetal close her eyes in silence, as a lone tear dripped across her face, landing on her hand. “I am willing to wait, love, and I'm willing to fight. Only if you want this. Us. I see it in your eyes and I feel it in your touch. But that isn't enough. I want you to come to terms with your feelings. I want you to tell me that you are willing to give our relationship a try. I want you to tell me you trust me.” Sharini laid her heart out again, completely vulnerable, this time around, without losing the self worth.

“I want to see that you are ready to put in effort as much as I do.”

Sharini so badly wanted to kiss Sheetal on her forehead. She wanted to kiss Sheetal's tears away. She didn't want to see her Sheetal hurting. But this was needed.

Sharini slowly withdrew herself from the shorter, much against her body's will. At the loss of the warmth of Sharini's hands on her face, Sheetal opened her eyes to look at the dejected face of the teacher.

She messed up once again, she realised. Yet there was this resolve within her. Sheetal was finally going to make a decision. A decision that might make or break her life.