A Tamil Lesbian Wedding

I'm sorry

They stood at the deserted end of the shore, five feet apart. Sharini had picked Sheetal up as planned after the Mass and they headed straight to the beach.

Sheetal was silent the whole time. She did not have her usual smile. On the way to the beach, she sat behind Sharini on the scooter with a good distance between them. She even avoided holding the latter's shoulders,  which, at another instance, Sharini would have found unlikely. Sheetal had always been fond of holding her shoulders.

Sharini however, did not notice that today. She was having her own inner turmoil. Standing in the shore, she was not enjoying the breeze or the clear sky. Her heart was heavy, and so were the words that lumped in her throat.

She reached into her handbag to pull out the dhupatta the latter had given her. She wrapped it around her neck and pulled at the latter's hand. Sheetal stopped her thought train and looked back. “I'm sorry, I got distracted. You wanted to talk about something, right? Tell me. Actually, you know what, I have something to tell you as well”. She babbled.

“Sheetal,”, the teacher paused, exhaling, “I can't do this anymore.”

Sheetal understood what the other meant. She gently squeezed the other's hand, wanting her to put it all out.

Unable to meet Sheetal's eyes, Sharini looked down at their interwined hands. “Have you ever-”, she sighed, “have you ever felt something for me? More than f-friendship?” There. She found the strength to start. She loosened the grip on the hands when there was no response.

However, she continued with a weak voice. She wanted to get the heaviness out of her system. And she wasn't going to delay this anymore. If this is the day she is going to spoil a 20 year old friendship, so be it, as the pain of not being able to true, to neither her friendship nor her feelings, the guilt, was eating her up.

She spoke again, “I have. I'm s-sorry. I'm sorry but lately I have been feeling these-these new weird things.”

“Out of the blue, recently your voice excites me, your eyes sparkle a little more to me, your presence makes my heart race a little faster. I - I don't know how to describe it, it's crazy.”

“Even after everything we have been through together, each day I find myself looking at you like something new. Sometimes, it feels like you are messing with my mind, but at this point I really don't know.”

“These days, I anticipate your touch, I can't help but feel this-this whole thing like all warm and fuzzy within.. and later when my rational thinking kicks in, I feel like shit, I feel like I'm violating your trust. And it hurts. It hurts so much because all I want is to hold you, but with you knowing that I intend to hold on forever, romantically.”

The splashing waves reflected the tension in the atmosphere when Sharini removed her hands from the other, her head still hung low, never trying to look her in the eyes. She moved a few steps backwards, her shoulders cowering as she dug her fingers into her crossed arms, hugging herself.

Sheetal had remained silent throughout.

“If you still haven't got it, I am trying to say that I love you and that I feel like I want to spend my life with you, like a couple.”

“But I can't continue to act like it's all just friendship. I might be a little too confident or delusional to somehow feel and think that you kinda share some similar emotions for me.”

“But if that isn't true... and... I-If you are disgusted by my words, please say it. I-I will just leave and never show you my face again.”

Sharini finally breathed out, starting to feel so light, yet so nervous, having let out the feelings that had been weighing her down for so long. Her shoulders shook very slightly, as she hesitantly looked up to the other.

She was met with the sight of the back of Sheetal's head, who has now turned her back to the teacher. She looked at Sheetal's hands by her sides, clenched into fists. Her heart began to sink as the excruciating silence broke.

“I'm sorry Sharini.”, were the words that came out of Sheetal. A wave crashed against their feet.