Shifters (Feline english version)

Chapter 38

So I went home to find the apartment empty again. Cassie wasn't there, as it had been more and more common since we returned. She had changed. I had changed. And I had the growing feeling that she was avoiding me. I could have used her warm and sparkling presence to help me overcome the terrible depression that I felt was waiting for me to lower my guard and fall on me mercilessly. It only increased the pain I felt growing, becoming heavier and more oppressive in my chest. A feeling of intense loneliness overwhelmed me, amplified by the exhaustion, pain and sense of injustice that this whole crappy situation had caused me.

The tears, which had so far refused to flow, chose this moment to emerge. I collapsed with my back to the couch, my arms clenched around my chest, a pathetic caricature of a comfort I so desperately needed. I let myself go to grief and finally allowed myself to cry. An hour later, my tears finally dried up. Cassie still hadn't come home and I felt even worse than before. So I allowed myself an evening of self-pity, while promising myself that I would then try to move forward rather than mourn my fate.

In the end, I wasn't quite human but not quite metamorph either. I developed new abilities that had earned me the honour, more than dubious, of being coveted by a kind of mad scientist still at large, and by a psychopathic dictator who wanted to make me his laboratory rat in addition to his hunting dog!

Of course, from that perspective, I'd almost wish I'd died in that damn forest! I had made my choices, good or bad, it was up to me to bear the consequences now, even if I had not yet grasped the full extent of the sacrifices that would be required of me.

I still ended up going to bed but only managed to roll over in my bed, wondering if Jude was very angry with me. But what a silly question, of course he'd be mad at me. Maybe it was for the best after all, since I didn't expect to see him again despite my devastating desire to.

When two long days passed without any news from Jude, I painfully concluded that he had understood the message or that he was too angry to contact me. I didn't know which of the two eventualities bothered me the most. Even if the pain and regret were still there, and would probably remain there for a long time, I knew it was better that way. I was itching to call the community to hear from Feline, but I was too afraid to run into him. It would have been very awkward for both of us, not to mention that I wouldn't have known what to say to him without giving myself away in the process.

I still had to find a way to see the panther. I missed her viscerally, as if a part of me had been ripped out. There were so many unanswered questions left. Like that strange connection we shared. The loss it caused in me increased as the day progressed and I finally decided to wait until nightfall to risk myself in the woods in search of Feline. Which was not the best ever, but the only one I had so far.

Inspector Worth called me that same day in the late afternoon to give me news of the investigation and to tell me to be careful. The latter was at a standstill in the search for Professor Shaw, who had practically disappeared from the face of the earth. He also told me that he was conducting a very discreet investigation into the work of the so-called scientist and that he would keep me and Cassie informed as soon as he knew more. As I was about to hang up, I heard him take a deep breath.

- 'Christina... how about a coffee?' he asked in a soft and hesitant voice.

The surprise kept me quiet. I wasn't expecting that, I didn't know what to say. Spontaneously, I wanted to say "yes". Getting out of that increasingly gloomy apartment now that I was there so often alone and being able to talk to someone who understood what I had been through was more than tempting. Especially since I liked Worth and the idea of seeing him again in a more relaxed setting made me rather happy. On the other hand, I felt like I was betraying Jude. I know, it was stupid, but hey.