Shut Up Kristyn! | Misc

88 | my OCs keep helping me realize things

Writing is a funny thing. Especially when you try to include various conditions, mental illnesses, and disorders to not only keep things realistic (like my characters developing trauma from what they've been through), but also to represent things that aren't usually shown in media. And you do extensive research to make sure you portray these things correctly. And then later, you start to notice things in yourself. And you think, "Oh, shit."

This was me back in 2016 when I noticed symptoms of anxiety in myself due to researching it for Matthias from Caged. I realized that what I experienced wasn't "normal nerves". However, I didn't do anything about it until I started therapy in July 2018.

And this time Laura Fairer has helped a lightbulb go off in my head. And also a little bit of Vera Pérez.

So, back in 2022 I think ? I was talking to my therapist in a usual appointment. I don't remember exactly what it was about, but she paused and then said, "I'm going to ask you a series of questions" and I was like oh GOD. As soon as she asked the first one, I was like "this is an ADHD questionnaire isn't it"

And yup! It was.

My therapist isn't a psychiatrist, so she can't do formal testing, so she referred me to this one place. But my anxiety formed a block in me and I literally could not make myself book an appointment. And it was like that for TWO YEARS. Until now.

I decided that I wanted to take the plunge and actually book an appointment before my most recent session with my therapist. I also brought up something that had been lingering in my mind for a while now— autism. She said, "I usually don't bring it up unless my clients specifically mention it, but yes, I can see that for you." I've been seeing her for 6 years so I trust her.

So she helped me find a new place (the old one doesn't do testing anymore) and I actually made an appointment! The first one is like an intro session where the doctor will get to know me and stuff. Then the second appointment is the actual testing and that takes ~3 hours. THEN comes the final appointment, which is after they've analyzed all the data and written up a big report about the results. My therapist said, "Us neurodivergents can get really excited about data, so that's usually exciting for people" and I laughed because the idea of a report about how my brain works DID make me excited.

It's weird because I have extensive history of autism and ADHD/ADD in my family, so I always knew what they were growing up, but the lightbulbs never went off for me. Maybe it's because one of my cousins is Level 3 (mostly nonverbal) so I associated autism with that because there wasn't the language of "levels" back in the early 2000s and autism was still "hush hush." Plus we lost contact with that relative when I was 8 so I never had time to learn, and I didn't realize that other family members were diagnosed with it until pretty recently.

You would think that doing my research for Laura (who does have autism though she doesn't receive a diagnosis until she's an adult because the 70s/80s did not recognize it) would've made some lightbulbs go off in my head. But no. Once again, it was a delayed thing.

I actually started to consider it based on my older cousins' discussions of autism and (y'all might hate me for this one) TikTok. I somehow got a bunch of videos about neurodivergence on my fyp and was like "Wait... autism can look like THAT?"

I thought I would share some of the things about myself that made I have since flagged as potential signs of neurodivergence:

— I have always been very sensitive to loud sounds. As a kid, even as old as 8, I would sob the entire way through a fireworks show or live music at a church festival. I still hate fireworks to this day and only enjoy live music when I'm at a concert (I think it's because I'm choosing to be there, I enjoy the artist, and I can prepare for it).