I was told from my entire life that I was grown. And that my choices were my very own. I believed that until I was forced to finish food. Then scoffed at when I gained weight.
I was always told that you should use your voice when you're eager to be heard. I believe that till that day on the bus when I used my voice and was silenced, without a single word to be heard.
I believed I had power. I really did. Until my eyes were covered.
And used until my eaters, tears felt like acid.
I knew I had control over myself, At least I thought. Until I had to hide the blade I used to Butcher myself With only the horrible insults, i've been called in thought
When I was thirteen, I realized I had no person left. I was yelled at scolded for my mistakes. And numerous times, I've made it my goal to die. No matter how long it takes.
Bleach didn't work. I was too scared of the consequences if I didn't do it properly. Not from the pain, but from my parents.
I threw up the pills.
Fumbled with the knife.
Couldn't nic the vein before mom came in.
So now I sit in silence in front of my mirror. Shaking and sad. I'm just pulling both my mom and my dad. Still way too angry, to tell them the truth.
Waking up is hard. Especially when you don't wanna. It's hard to admit. But I'm scared. I don't know why i'm so impaired. Why i'm indecisive. An anxious. And maybe, if I died, the world would be a little less painful. It's hard to imagine.
What life would be without me. One day, you'll see.
