Essays

Real Mother

Warning: Has substance and mental abuse

The day my mother called me a b**** and did not come to my graduation was the day I felt disappointed for myself.

Growing up I was such a momma's girl, following her everywhere I could wrapped around her leg and stayed until she pulled me away from her.I remember how I would hold on tightly to her to the point where she would just leave me be after 10 minutes. I talked to her about the problems I had in school, about my day and how much I missed her. "As long as I only had her" I thought as I was laying down at night with my younger sister beside me on the queen size mattress we had and slowly closed my eyes and dreamed, preparing for the next day... I wish this was a dream.

One day during a hot summer day she went away to be with her "friend" I knew who it really was. A person who helps give her weed and smokes with her, I knew she used the last bit of money we had for it. She craved it, she desired it. Everyday she would leave for hours on end, I had no food, no water. I started at the ceiling and through the window, the only thing I had to see the outside world and my only source of entertainment. She would be gone for days even weeks before she came back and acted like a mother. "Is this really how a mother acts?" I thought as she hugged me tightly, never letting go. I was 13 years old.

I left my mother a year after the back and forth of her coming and going. I was upset. I didn't want to leave her but I knew if I wanted a better future than hers I knew I had to get away from her and so I went to live with my older sister.

Life with her was difficult at times. I never really grew up with her as we have an 11 year age difference. I grew up thinking she never cared about me, but I was wrong. She loved me, she cared for me. She was there when I entered middle school, when I started high school, when I got into a car accident and was there for me to talk to...like a mother would.

In the summer of 2019 I went to Colorado for a wedding that I didn't even go to because I wanted to explore what Colorado has to offer. As my family was driving to Denver for a baseball game I was on my phone watching a funny video I found on YouTube and received a text from my mother...my biological mother. "I wonder what she wanted" I thought. She and I haven't spoken in a year. As much as I wanted to leave it on read and continue watching videos my curiosity got the best of me and so I messaged her back on Facebook messenger. "Hello my beautiful daughter,how are you? What are you up to?" she messaged. I wasn't sure what to think. Why out of all days did she want to message me? I quickly thought about what to type, but the idea of texting her gave me a shiver down my spine. "I'm ok, just relaxing and being out and about" she quickly messaged me back "oh? Where are you?" my heart was beating faster than a race car. "Just outside with the kids" which was in fact true, however I never told her in what state and she never messaged back and thought nothing of it until 10 minutes later. "I see you're in Colorado, so you wanna lie about what you're doing now?"Why did she want to act as a mother now? She was not there when I started middle school, did my first choir concert at a new school or was even there to celebrate my birthday. "I never truly lied to you, I just did not tell you specifically where I was" which looking back at now made me realize if I never messaged this maybe now it wouldn't be so different. "I don't understand why you went with your older sisters mother in law to Colorado and I don't care, but at the end of the day she is not your mother I am and when I get you back I will make sure something like this does not happened again" I felt scared because I knew the type of person my mother was and at the time I was angry at her and so I replied finally saying what was on my mind and that was when she called me a b****. First I blocked her and then I cried silently at my seat wondering why mothers would have the heart to say this to their child? Especially to her last 2 out of 5 children who adored her; I texted my older sister and showed her everything and she reassured me that no matter what happens she will always care and love me as if I was her own and that she will be my mother and to forget our biological one.How could I? I thought she would always find a way to get to us. Find a way to talk to us and find a way to stain us with her presence. This was 3 years ago now.

I tried to forgive her because I was taught that everyone deserves a second chance and so it went on. Us not talking every few months to a year and then talking for days on end. A cycle that never developed into the relationship we used to have.

May 28, 2022 was my graduation day. It was a windy and hot Saturday evening and as I was getting ready with the help of my younger sister I was excited and nervous to leave my second home because I knew where my friends were and knew where everything was but I was ready for change. While getting ready I received a text from my grandma. Around this time my mother also used her phone since she didn't have one. I decided to invite her to my graduation out of respect for her giving birth to me, her seeing one of her children walk across the stage and to show her that without her and with my sister I was able to accomplish everything she never wanted to try in life. "Hi mama's can you please send the address one more time"? I responded back to the place where it was. I was so glad everything was going so smoothly and nothing disastrous has happened.

I was oh so very wrong about that.

Graduation felt like a dream and was so fast. I loved having the chance to sing with my choir for graduation one last time with the people I knew I might see for one last time. Walking up and grabbing a piece of paper made me cry because I never believed I could achieve this and when I grabbed it I instantly thought of my number 1 supporters, my sisters. Especially my older sister.

When it was over I ran to find everyone and show them everything and when I finally found them among the crowd I instantly wanted to run away from them. "Where is my mother"? When we were taking photos I asked and no one, not even my grandma knew where she was and assured me she was proud of me. So then why didn't she show up? Later in the night as I was drinking both water and Fireball I decided to call her and understand why she didn't show up and when she answered and told me congratulations I wanted to break down, but I kept my posture. "Why didn't you come"? She hesitated for a moment then replied "Honey I got a new job and needed to work, I wouldn't be able to take off" "You could have told them your daughter was graduating today and I am 100% sure they wouldn't have had a problem of you not going for one day" I quickly and angrily told her "No baby it wouldn't work out., I just wanted to impress them with-" as she was going through her rant I asked myself if everything beside me was that important to her. "Ok" I told her. She and I could tell I was done "But don't worry I'll make it up to you" and when she said that I saw red. I told her no., This was a once out of 2 lifetimes where I needed you to be there and I had accepted the fact my father was not able to come and even for the next graduation and she was silent.

That was when I exploded.

"But yeah it's fine you still have your last daughters graduation you could still go to right? I mean you never missed anything for her so you should be fine and she is your baby so I expect you to be at hers or else" I knew deep down I never wanted to say that to her, but I let my anger get the best of me. I told her goodbye and cried the rest of the night with South Park on the Tv in the living room while still crying into a pillow. My older sister came minutes later sitting a bit away from me.

"Our mom sucks doesn't she?, I am so sorry about her and dad not coming, but hey you still have me and the younger sister there for you and we'll always be there for you. Even when you leave for your next adventure we'll be there for you" When she told me that I felt relieved and glad that she has been apart of my life. Thankful she is my mother and being her daughter. "Thank you" "Welcome. Now go turn off the Tv and go to bed we have your party tomorrow" and so I did what I was asked.

A mother is a person who is there for you, loves you, hears what you have to say and supports you till their last breath. My older sister may not be my biological mother, but I view her as my mother and has taken care of me since the day I was born. She has never once stopped loving me a way a mother does and checks up on me almost everyday and makes sure I eat and do my homework. I still do care for my biological mother deep down, however my real mom is my sister.