Silent Bonds: A Call of Feelings

Chapter 2: The Weight of Words

A few days passed, and ------ and I began interacting again, but it was different. Our conversations were brief and our gaming sessions were shorter, only happening when our other friends were also in the voice call. The easy, flowing camaraderie we once had was replaced with stilted, cautious exchanges.

Our friends noticed the change. One evening, after another strained group gaming session, I texted one of our mutual friends, Eli, asking if we could talk privately.

Once everyone else had left the voice call, it was just Eli and me. Her voice was gentle as she asked, "What's going on with you and ------?"

I took a deep breath, trying to find the right words. "Look, I'm just... I'm just tired all the time," I began. "I've been scared, not knowing why. I'm tired of trying to change and not knowing how. Because however much I do change, I'm left with me."

Eli listened quietly, letting me continue.

"I think my problem is that I never know how to talk about my feelings," I confessed. "I talk to myself in my head a lot about how I feel, and I explain it so well... But getting it to actually come out of my mouth is so hard."

"It's okay," Eli said softly. "You're talking about it now."

"But it's too late," I replied, my voice breaking. "I'm sorry it's all my fault. I know I always ruin things. I didn't mean to hurt ------. It's okay if she hates me. I hate me too... I'm just sorry she had to meet me."

"Don't say that," Eli said, her tone firm yet kind. "You're not a burden, and you're not unlikable. You're just struggling right now."

"I have a massive fear that no one actually likes me," I continued, the words spilling out. "Rather, everyone is just politely tolerating me, hoping I leave them alone. Like, if people ignore me once... Just one time... I automatically assume that I annoy them. I force myself into 'don't speak unless spoken to' mode. One moment I'm fine, and the next I'm convinced I'm unfit for any human relationship."

Eli sighed. "You're not unfit for relationships. You're just dealing with a lot. It's okay to feel like this, but you need to find a way to express it, to let people in."

"I never know how to talk about my feelings," I repeated. "When I'm going through something, I tend to stop talking to everyone until I feel okay again. But when I'm okay, I'll start communicating again like nothing happened. It's not me being off with people; I just deal with things better when I'm alone."

"That's understandable," Eli said. "But you can't always deal with everything alone. It's okay to lean on your friends, to let them help you through tough times."

"I know," I whispered. "I just... I don't know how to start."

"You already have," Eli pointed out. "You're talking to me now, and that's a good first step."

We talked for a long time, and for the first time in a while, I felt a glimmer of hope. Maybe, just maybe, things could get better. It wouldn't be easy, but it was a start.

As I logged off that night, I knew I had a long road ahead. But with friends like Eli, maybe I wouldn't have to walk it alone.