'Cause she says so herself

It's nearby anyway, and the walk is good for you.

"You're not going to catch me if I fall."

***

Merlin is as most men are:

a joke.

There's a word for Wizards like him; complacent, disorganized... weaponized incompetence in the form of a careless loser who keeps lit candles in dangerous places. When he goes digging around in his pockets for 'transfer papers,' moaning about 'proper protocol,' Red almost punches him in the jaw; and when Chloe brightly says, "Actually, we're not students," thus forcing Red to interrupt her with a pathetic cover-up story, Red almost punches her in the jaw. She doesn't, though. Because she (unlike Queen Bridget) can actually control her emotions.

A fascinating concept, it seems.

"Founded this Academy to be an educational institution for all... equality and equity- the right to succeed..." Merlin's voice is dull; that fragile kind of tone that old people sometimes have. Paired with a wet cough that comes and goes and glasses that tend to fog up out of nowhere.

Are you dead in my timeline?

She didn't see him at orientation- or rather, what was supposed to be orientation. Before the whole violent 'coup' thing.

Is he retired? Twacked? Deceased? Murdered?

"We have a strict, 'no swords,' policy in the classroom," Merlin says with pride, quickly giving Red her answer. "No weapons. No sharp objects, and no metal keychains." The fact that he's saying this proudly makes the declaration that much more embarrassing.

Red scowls. Right, she thinks. So definitely murdered, then.

"Stardust Room-"

Stardust what now?

"Personal dormitory-"

No wonder you had a villain problem-

"I'll settle you in... lovely garden out back... magic, coursework, bla- bla- bla etcetera etcetera."

Say something helpful, already.

Red is about this close to hissing out the words, "If it's all the same to you, I'd like to get to class before the day turns into freaking night," but Merlin beats her to it. With a beaming, idiotic smile, he's proudly giving her and Chloe a run-down on something called 'Honors Alchemy,' which is funny, considering Red has never been honored for anything in her life. (Crusty moon stickers on assigned reading sheets don't count, no matter what Mads says). Luckily, Chloe's misgivings are a welcome distraction.

"I can't believe you did that," she whispers, leaning over Red's shoulder to inspect a glass cabinet. The shelves are filled with tiny animal figurines; a collection of delicate mystical beings and hidden metaphors.

"What do you mean?"

"You lied."

"About what?"

Chloe ignores her question. "The Auradon code of Conduct forbids lying," she says haughtily. "Especially to professors. Especially to Principals. If he knew we were lying, it could have set us back... we would have been doomed to detention for years."

Her finger is still gliding along the glass, leaving a trail in its wake, and when she finally pulls away, the edge of her sleeve catches lightly on Red's zipper. The culmination of Chloe's pull and Red's stumble result in an awkward hug; chest to chest, until their foreheads are almost touching. Red fights the urge to drop her eyes and instead, focuses on the space between Chloe's brows.

"Calm down," she says. "I'm not a student, and this isn't Auradon."

"You're going to be a student, and this is going to be Auradon."

"Key word is 'going,' Princess. Future tense. I thought you were supposed to be smart."

"I am smart."

"Then prove it."

Chloe quickly looks away. The irritation on her cheeks faintly reminds Red of a book she once studied. She doesn't recall the plot; not fully- but she remembers the feeling of it, at least. Something about a city and a daughter... a good omen, maybe? Possibly?

Hopefully.

"There are no stones in these swords," Merlin mutters, still rambling from a few paces away, and this time, Red can't help herself. With a snarky grin, she turns to Chloe and whispers, "If one were to theoretically murder a headmaster. No witnesses. No blood. No proof... think they'd break the sacred timeline?"

Chloe smacks her in the shoulder.

"Please," Merlin warns, catching the assault from the corner of his hazy glasses. "No violence within these halls."

"Yeah, Chloe. Merlin Academy forbids acts of violence," Red goads. "Do better. Be the change you want to see in the world... isn't that right, Principal Merlin?" She raises her voice until it's only slightly patronizing.

"Good triumphing over evil, and all that?"

Merlin waves his hand. "Yes, yes. Precisely," he mutters.

Chloe's entire face contorts with anger- crimson neck, curled lips- and when Merlin turns back around, his fingers fishing through his pockets for the key, she promptly slaps Red again. And then again. And then once more, for good measure, but the last time she does so, her hand slips. Her knuckles scrape across Red's cheek, almost mirroring how Red would do it herself.

Hard.

Purposeful.

The immediate, guilt-ridden look on Chloe's face (paired with Merlin's obliviousness to the entire situation) has a somewhat unintended effect. Flanked by sunlight to her right and stupidity to her left, Red truly and genuinely laughs. "Nice hit, Boo," she says, running her fingers over throbbing skin as the smile grows.

"Good to see that your whole 'sword thing' wasn't just talk."

"I didn't- I wasn't... I am so sor-" Chloe stutters, but Red stretches out her hand.

"No." She holds eye-contact and nods; an indirect, unspoken plea: please don't look away. "Don't apologize. That was the first real thing you've done this entire trip."

"Oh."

"Yeah," Red continues. "But next time, curl your fingers in and follow through." She demonstrates with her hand, forming a tight ball- thumb to the outside of her fist. "If you're going to break the rules, break 'em hard and fast. No halfsies or holding back, alright? Make a fist and just go for it. Wail on 'em- BAM!" she screams, pairing her words with a thrust. "Bam! Bam- bam- bam- bam- bam- and then kick them when they're down."

She drops her arms.

"Make sure to aim for the ear, though," she says in all seriousness. "The ear is the worst part. Trust me."

"I'm not trusting a villain."

Red shrugs. "Fine, then. Kick them in the side and see how well that works out for you."

"You," Chloe whispers, eyeing the pocket watch hanging from Red's belt. "Are so messed up. I think you might actually need psychiatric help."

"Oh yeah, definitely-"

"Did one of you say something?" Merlin chimes in. "I didn't quite hear it... no- no, not that key. The other key. Blasted pockets."

Muttering under his breath, he continues his entourage of clueless statements- Where are you? Yes! No. Perhaps the other pocket?- and at the same time, Chloe doesn't give Red the dignity of a response. Instead, with a click of glass to ancient tile, she's storming towards Merlin's office like a child; making sure to stomp extra hard when she reaches the stairs.

Red cups her mouth with her hand.

"Should I hit you back?" she calls out from behind Chloe's shrinking frame, consequences of yelling be damned. "I feel like I should hit you back, you know? To make it more even in the name of justice?!"

Chloe just stomps harder.