The Little Things

Chapter 4

The Struggle Within: A Plea for Understanding

I have been through a lot. I've faced experiences and endured challenges that my best friends don't even know about. There are things I've been through that I haven't told anyone, not a single soul. These experiences have profoundly impacted me, making it extremely difficult for me to trust people. I know you might be thinking, "Yeah, I have trust issues too," but for me, it's so intense that I question every little thing someone says, and I overthink everything to the max. Every word, every action, every gesture—my mind dissects them all, searching for hidden meanings and potential betrayals.

This relentless overthinking has led me to put up walls, high and thick, around my heart. When I meet someone as nice and sweet as you, my automatic instinct is to push them away. My mind screams, "NO. GET AWAY. I'M GOING TO BE BROKEN AGAIN!" It's a defense mechanism, a way to protect myself from further pain. I know this is bad, that it's unfair to you and me. I'm working on it, trying to break down these walls, brick by brick. But it's not easy. When this happens, please understand that it's nothing personal. I don't want you to think it is. It's a reflection of my internal struggle, not of you or your actions.

All I want is for you to stay, but my anxiety tells me otherwise. It whispers fears and doubts into my ear, convincing me that everyone will eventually leave and that I'm destined to be alone. Please don't be angry with me when I act out of this fear. I know it's going to happen a lot because it's just who I am right now. My past has shaped me into someone who pushes away those they care about, out of a desperate attempt to avoid being hurt again.

When I push you away, it's when I need you the most. It's a paradox, I know. When I say, "Stay away," what I really mean is, "Stay." Please, stay. Don't leave me. I beg of you. Stay with me, even when it's hard, even when I seem to be pushing you out. Your presence is what I need to heal, to learn to trust again. Please stay.

The journey to trust is a long and arduous one for me. My past has been marred by betrayal and hurt, leaving scars that are not easily healed. Each betrayal, each instance of pain has taught me to be wary, to guard my heart fiercely. I have built these walls so high that sometimes, even I cannot see over them. These walls are my protection, my way of ensuring that I will not be hurt again. But they are also my prison, keeping me isolated from the love and connection that I so desperately crave.

I long for the day when I can let my guard down when I can trust without fear. I dream of a time when I can embrace someone fully, without the nagging voice in my head warning me of impending doom. But until that day comes, I am caught in this cycle of fear and self-preservation. I push people away, not because I don't care, but because I care too much. I fear the pain that comes with caring, the vulnerability that comes with opening up.

Your kindness and understanding mean the world to me. They are a light in my darkness, a beacon of hope in my stormy seas. I want to let you in, to allow you to see the real me, the one hidden behind the walls and the fear. But it is a slow process, one that requires patience and compassion. I need you to understand that my actions are not a reflection of you but of my internal battle. I am fighting against the demons of my past, against the fear that grips my heart and mind.

Please know that when I push you away, it is not because I want you to leave. It is a cry for help, a plea for you to stay. I need you to stand by me, to weather the storm with me. Your presence gives me strength, your support gives me hope. I am trying, with every ounce of my being, to break free from the chains of my past. I am working on learning to trust again and to let people in without the fear of being hurt.

It is a slow journey, filled with setbacks and challenges. There will be times when I falter when the fear takes over and I push you away again. But in those moments, I need you the most. I need you to stay, to remind me that I am not alone, that I am worthy of love and trust. Your patience and understanding are the keys to my healing. They are what will help me to slowly lower my guard, to let you in.

So please, stay. Don't leave me. I beg of you. Stand by me through the highs and lows, through the fear and the pain. Your presence is what I need to heal, to learn to trust again. With you by my side, I can begin to see a future where trust and love are possible. Your unwavering support is my beacon of hope, guiding me through the darkness and towards the light. Stay with me, and together we can conquer the demons of my past, and build a future filled with trust and love.