Just little things

him

Every night when the darkness engulfs the sky, my mind invites the thoughts I've been fighting to keep away.

My brain overloads with self-doubt, self-loathing and worries. Is the love that once welcomed us with open arms still there?

'Of course not, you're creating delusions in your head. No one is capable of loving you for a long period of time. You push them away.'

I shut my eyes as tears start to paint my face, closing my ears, with hopes my biggest ally and my biggest enemy drowns out, my inner voice.

If he loves you, you wouldn't have to sit and doubt his love. If he loves you then why does he not go out of his way to spend time with you? If he loves you then why is it a struggle for him to contact you? Why is it so easy for him to leave you alone? To leave you in the comfort of your not so comforting thoughts. If he loves you, then why have you not felt loved in weeks you fail to keep count of? That's not feeling loved, that's a one sided love that you are now learning of.

And so I feel the harsh lump of heart break scraping down my throat as I swallowed. I wipe my tears and force a smile, praying that it won't be forceful anymore. I fold all my insecurities and doubts, and pack them in the small briefcase at the back of my mind. Waiting, anxious for the day the lock breaks and the they pour out. All. Over. Again.