Throat Of Thorns

chapter 2

Silence is the worst punishment you could have to endure. You're stuck only with your thoughts reminding you about every wrong decision you've made, berating you about how you treat others and yourself, how worthless and pathetic you are. If you're silent for too long you start losing your sense of reality and slip into this void of constant torment, the flashbacks, the reminders, and suddenly all the pain and agony you've hid away seeps through the cracks and crashes down on you until your drowning In the memories with no escape.

I'm sitting in my bed aching, staring at the ceiling, the same old empty feeling bottled up inside me. The silence is so loud it's deafening and I want to sob my heart out until maybe the feeling has died out. "It's funny you think you have any heart strings" I do. I have heartstrings. I have a heart. Right? I know I'm cold but surely outside observers can tell I do deep down have morals and have emotions and feelings. Or perhaps not. Why is this measley comment from someone I couldn't care less about hurting me so much, why am I so wrapped up on it? Maybe I'm at my breaking point where everything hurts me. Maybe soon I'll get to the point of insanity, atleast then I can become carefree.

I can't do this, this quietness is too loud and I impulsively grab the nearest pair of shoes I could find and leave. I walk around, not caring where I was going or how far from home I was, it was a breezy, pitch black night and all I could hear was the wind and the insects murmuring. Good enough for me. I take a glance at my watch and realize I've been walking for an hour and a half, but how? It's only felt like 20 minutes. As soon as I realize how long it's been I start to feel tired and collapse onto the nearest bench I could find. What am I doing? Why am I here and not at home, wrapped up and safe, well 'safe' isn't exactly the right word, honestly it's probably the most dangerous place I could be.

I'm on the bench. It's wooden. It feels old. No stars tonight. Just black. The colour black. The grass is green. The wood is brown.

My leg starts shaking and I get this heavy feeling in my chest, and it feels like someone's grabbing and closing my throat. Breathe. I have to breathe. I repeat those words over and over but to no avail, I'm trapped. Enclosed in my own mind and body, and it's self destructing. I can't stop it. My eyes go blurry and the tears glisten, then run down my cheeks, seeming unstoppable. Deadly. My entire body is trembling uncontrollably, and my heart is thumping out my chest, and it hurts tremendously, so much pain for such a weak body.

"Siobhan, look at me, focus on me." Someone grasped onto my hand and squeezed them tight in theirs.