Sleep evaded him throughout the painful hours he spent without holding his wife, unable to smell her softness or breathe in the calm she injected in his veins. He needed her. He desperately craved her touch.
The thought of something happening to his mother hadn't left his mind yet. He was still grappling with the fear of losing a parent just like he did years ago.
incapacity
He hated it. Years ago he was incapable of saving his father and today he was incapable of making things right with umeed. If there was one thing he always thought of before marriage was that he'd never go to sleep without fixing things with his wife in case of a fight. It was easier to say that we won't fight to bed but here they were. Slept without resolving the argument. Without kissing each other goodnight. Without telling each other how their day was. Without feeling the silent whispers of each other's lips on the scarred flesh. The thought shuddered him. It hadn't been long. They were married a few weeks ago and the series of constant fights wasn't ending. He felt an invisible hand digging nails into his heart.
Was he doing it all wrong?
He gulped the staggering fear down his throat and looked at his right. He knew she slept only a few hours ago. He was awake when she left the room at midnight and kept on making short trips from bathroom to room, room to kitchen, and if he assumed correctly she went to the attic right above their bedroom as well. Her footsteps could be heard and her anxiety crept to his side. He didn't have to look to know she constantly pushed her index fingers together and if he checked they'd be red.
Seeing her frame rising low and high without the restlessness she carried last night comforted him. His hands out of reflex itched to rub against the green satin she was wearing. His feet without his permission guided themselves to the spot where her tangled body resided. His heart sank knowing she didn't sleep taking over the whole bed stretching her limbs like she owned this bed and him. She slept like a raccoon keeping herself away from him as far as possible, making sure not once at night her skin brushes against his.
He raised his head to take a look at her face before leaving for work. He decided today, he wouldn't wake her up for a walk. Farjaad opened the cupboard reluctantly, for the first time in years unwilling to go for his daily workout. Not much to his surprise a cluster of shopping bags fell on him. "Ummmeed" he sighed.
Agitated he began to sort the mess realizing these were the bags she was carrying yesterday. The glee on her face that he failed to comprehend yesterday finally made a comeback and flashed right in front of his eyes. Her eyes were dancing in merriment, her cheekbones raised a bit higher because of how hard she was smiling., her excitement to show him those gifts. He recalled her words, "Mera dil krr raha tha saari naimatein apki liye utha laon." He felt as if something stung his heart. It all came together and he processed the occurrences of the previous night.
He started rummaging through his wife's shopping spree. She must've used her own money because he didn't receive any deduction messages yesterday. He wondered why would she do that? If she wasn't mad at him then why would she not spend money on the credit card he gave her? He looked through the items in the bag. The first turned out to be a perfume- the one he didn't use. He raised his eyebrow. The next was a pair of socks, yellow and green socks with hearts on them. He smiled, feeling the grip on his heart lessening its impact. The next was a t-shirt, thankfully not orange or purple but of olive green color.
"Ye shirt badi hai mujhe" He said. In the meantime, umeed had come there, yawning and rubbing her tired eyes.
"Aese kese bdi hai bilkul fit hai mujhe apka size achay se pta hai." She blurted, snatching the shirt from his hands and scanning it from all angles.
"Haan woh toh hai apko nhi pta hoga mera size toh kisay pta hoga." He sighed, looking at Umeed who was realizing she was mad at him and not talking to him. Which is why she did not take longer than a second to push the shirt at him.
" Ye bh mere liye hai?" He asked suggestively referring to the tangerine lingerie knowing it was actually for him because he had asked her three nights ago if she had one of that color because he wanted to see her in that one.
Umeed snatched it from him and growled.
"Jee nhi. Ye mere liye hai"
"Aik h baat hai, mere liye ho ya tumharay liye." He joked but he knew it fell flat because the face that looked back at him was carrying disappointment. He could handle angry umeed but this version of umeed that started to give up on him unnerved him. He was not built strong for that. He quickly grabbed her wrist when she turned to leave the same orbit as his.
"Haath chorhein."
"Chorhne kr liye nhi pakda tha"
"Kal raat to aesa kuch nhi lg raha tha. Kal to janab mujhe ek kamray mein bardasht bh nhi kr sktay thay"
"Tumharay paas h aya tha umeed raat ko. Sab chorh kr. Tum ne hi mu pher lia tha." He said, ignoring the way she continued to twist her arm from his grip, trying as if she could break away from his hold.
"Aur aap? Aap ne bh apne rung badal liye thay farjaad khan bahadur. Mujhay niggo mama ke paas bh nahi baithne dia, jese mein unki dushman hoon. Ek baar-" her voice broke. "Ek baar bh mujh prr aitbaar nhi kia apne mujh pr." He could see the pool of tears glistening back at him. Without removing his hand from her wrist fearing she'd leave, he raised his other hand to wipe her tears but she swatted it away.
"Ro nahi rahi mein. Hatein yahan se."
"Baat krni hai mujhay,"
"Lekin mujhay nahi krni ab jese apko kal raat nhi karni th."
"To tum badla lo gi ab?"
She did not reply instead looked at the wall behind him unresponsive to his question and the circles he was making on her skin with his fingertips.
"Mein darr gya tha umeed. Maa ko uss halat mein dekh kr. Woh kitabein dekh kr mein- mujhay kuch samajh h nahi aa rha tha-"
"Aap pashta rahay hain ye shadi kr ke?" She blurted, cutting him off.
"Mein- what? Kya keh rahi ho Umeed tum, ab tk neend mein ho?"
"Mere sawal ka jawab dein pehle"
"Obviously not. Umeed mein muhabbat karta hoob tumse yaar,"
"Toh phir mera bharosa kyun nahi kia. Apko yakeen hona chahiye tha apki umeed aesi koi harkat nahi kr skti jiss se apko dukh pohanchay. Lekin sach to ye hai farjaad, apko mujh pr bharosa nhi hai. Muhabbat zroor hai lekin yakeen nahi,"
He didn't realize when the intensity of her words shook him to an extent that his grip on her hands loosened and umeed was quick to dash away from his sight. But he regained his composure faster than that. He quickly enveloped his arms around her from back, immersing his face in her tresses falling on her shoulder.
"Tumse naraz ho kr soya tha, mujhay tumse naraz ho kr office mtt jaanay do. Please." He begged, not knowing how to tell her if she didn't talk to him, he would never forgive himself. Maybe this is where he went wrong, he had done everything for Umeed, he loved her, he showered her with everything he had but maybe she was right, he had let her down. Maybe he didn't trust her enough. In his brain, she will always do something silly.
He did not know for how long they stood outside the door of their bathroom, the cupboard door still opened and her gifts forgotten lying on the floor. He continued to hug her with his closed eyes, silently wishing for yesterday's events to be a badly written nightmare.
"I do trust you Umeed," Umeed turned back and buried herself in his arms, hugging him tightly.
"Khabardaar aj ke baad apne aesi koi harkat ki toh" She murmured settling herself comfortably in his embrace and Farjaad felt his heart finally pumping on its normal speed.
