The Artistic Pursuit

Chapter 16 - Emptiness

The Bridgerton home was not the same without Benedicts presence and oh what a presence it was.

He hadn't even been gone a day and already she wanted him back. He had become such a large part of her life. The thought of him making such a mark that she would see him even less was heartbreaking.

On the other hand. She wanted him to be truly happy. If he stayed here with her and not left for pastures greener, she was worried he would never truly be who he was meant to be. A world renowned artist.

She knew he wanted to come home and court her but her conflicting feelings between doing right by Benedict and her affection towards his brother Colin had other plans.

Life was always difficult. But never would Penelope feel there was a choice like this to be made. Colin was her first love. The first boy who was kind and gentle. He made her believe that true love did exist. The cruel words he spoke at her mother's ball still rang in her head.

She was grieving for a love she knew was not possible. Benedict was there for her. He was charming, dashing, rather attractive to gaze upon and that kiss. Her whole body felt like it was burning up. She could literally feel the sparks. More than most, he wanted everything to be her choice and he believed her to make the right one. He believed in her.

What a silly thing. A man who believes in me. But with years of feeling that the only purpose in life was to be a spinster. Judging all of society with El. May have once been a dream. But Benedict was someone I could be myself with. Someone who cares. Someone I could see a future forming with. Wait. Is that it. Am I in love with Benedict. Oh lord. What the devil am I to do now.

Benedict Bridgerton, the rake. Had stolen her heart. She could not lie to herself. She needed to tell Colin that the feeling she had for him had disappeared. For his brother now had all of her, and she could not wait to tell him how much he means.

Oh but she could not. Doubt started to form in her mind. What it'll it was merely lust on his account. Perhaps, she would wait for his return to decide what they could be.

More doubt sunk in. What if he finds someone at the Academy? Oh god. Someone else artistically minded. What if she was not enough.

Days turned to weeks.

She was enjoying their correspondence, but Benedict wasn't the same man he was when he left. He appeared more cautious with his words. More gentile with his explanations. Was something amiss or was he just trying to be more formal. His letters were beautiful, but there was no attempt of his wit or flirtation. Could it be true. Was there someone else that had already captured his heart and am I merely a distraction.

"Pen?" Her head turned around to see Colin walking towards her.

"Colin" he stepped closer looking uncertain.

She had come by to visit Eloise over an hour ago and now she sat in a world of her own.

"I thought you left to return home"

"I had but once again I am stuck at this swing deciding what to do with my life"

He sat on the swing next to her "What troubles you?" He asked cautiously

"Do you believe Benedict cares a lot for me?"

Colin's mouth gapped open "I do" the fact she even had to ask made him question whether she was ready to move on.

"Truly?"

"His letters are rather formal, do you think there is a chance he met someone while being away?"

He saw it in her face. She was overthinking. A black cloud was forming above her. It hit him like a smack in the face. Pen loves Benedict. She would probably never admit it, but he knew.

He hoped that maybe at the back of her mind she may care for him still. But all that was left was a friendship and a memory of a kiss that was lingering in his mind. Colin needed to let that part of her go for good. Be who she needed, for once, a friend who listens and doesn't only speak about himself.

"There is no chance. He cares for you and I can't believe how you do not see it"

"What if I do not deserve him?"

"Miss Penelope Featherington, you need to stop this right now. My brother is crazy about you. Now stop being silly and come out of the cool air and let me call someone to make you a tea"

Pen gave a little sarcastic salute "Yes sir!"

"Now let us not speak of this again. Ben would be upset if he knew you were worried of such things"

That was true. Ben did not like it if she felt even a little uncomfortable with him leaving. Good god, how she missed him.

The last kiss was full of such passion, she did not want to let him go. Her heart, no longer belonged to her, it was his. Completely.

Mr Benedict, Master Rakington Bridgerton had her heart. How was she to tell him. It was maddening how much she wanted him.
As she finished her cup of tea with her friend Colin. She reached for his hand, squeezing it.

"Thank you"

He smiled at her, putting his hand in hers "You are welcome"

Colin felt something he hadn't felt in over a year. He felt important, like he could once again play a hero in Pens story. He had been forgiven, and Pen even seeked his council.

He knew whatever he had done to lose her friendship, he had finally won her back.

"I will walk you home. Pen"

"It is alright"

"Pen, indulge me"

"Very well"

————

As Colin walked back in, he was met by a scowling Eloise.

"Brother, did you just walk Pen home?"

"I did, no scowl necessary"

"Are you alright?"

"Why would I not be?"

"I saw you both sitting on the swings"

He didnt get the point. He just shrugged

"We were talking Eloise, I did not realise that is not allowed"

"She cares for Benedict"

"I know that, which is why we were talking. She was conserned that perhaps Ben would find someone while away"

"And what did you say"

Colin was getting tired of Eloise's accusations. He would never try and be with Pen. The second he knew she loved him, he would never ruin that. Contrary to what El believes. Which he found disappointing.

"What do you think I said El, Pen is the best thing that ever happened to him. He cares for her, he would never even glance in another ladies direction"