For you, I'd stand still

One O'Clock

The sharp sound of waves rushing to shore bites into my ears. I squint my eyes at the bright sand that evokes a pleasant yet irritating hot sensation between my toes. It was a terrible idea to go walking across the sand at one o'clock on the beachside of València. The eastern side of Spain is especially hot during the late summer season. Nothing is enough to quiet down that never-ending presence at the back of my mind. Nonetheless, I continue trying my best to overwhelm my other senses; to seek the unimaginable and exhilarating to distract myself. As my feet set themselves automatically in front of the other, I sigh in disappointment when I reach the buildings at the other side of the beach and, therewith, the cooling shadow of a large white apartment complex.

People of all shapes and colours buzz about around me. Children run after each other, screaming and giggling like children do because they have yet to grow up and discover the harsh truth about the world. Couples with their ‚freshly in love' glow walk hand in hand past me - blind to everyone except themselves. Dogs bark, seabirds fly above my head in search of food. Every single being on this godforsaken beach is focused on their own lives, their own interests. That is the basis of living, though. There's no shame in that. I may be observing all these people but in the end? In the end, I only care about myself, too. That's a good thing because nobody can guarantee my survival except myself. I alone am responsible for my survival. Step by ever so slow step, I make my way through the tall buildings that grow high like ancient giants. As I look at my reflection in the slightly fogged window of a flower shop, I feel the need to scream my lungs out. No one has ever gotten me flowers. Even if I'd drop dead right here, right now, still there would be no one laying flowers on my grave. Not that I am privileged enough to be put in a grave. I frown at my reflection in question because I actually have no idea what happens to dead people who had no one in their life. Are they buried? Burned? Thrown away? I really have no idea. But death has been a prominent presence in my mind since, well, forever. When you have witnessed the things that I have; when you are cursed with the things that I am cursed with? Then death seems like sweet relief.

„Excuse me?"

I startle at the sound of a high-pitched voice. A little girl's voice, I notice when I turn my head to the right and bend down a little to see a petite girl tucking at my shirt to get my attention. With her blond piggy tails that reflect the midday sunlight, the bright blue eyes that sparkle with innocence, and the pink dress as well as the pink fluffy shoes she's wearing, she looks like the epitome of one of those little princesses that are featured in children's books. I realise I haven't spoken and when I open my mouth to do so, the little princess is way ahead of me already.

„Do you know where I can get ice cream?" she asks and reveals a lovely smile showcasing a few tooth gaps.

I haven't smiled in a long time but seeing this child and having her ask me such a simple question causes my lips to stretch out into a bright smile. It has been ages since I've visited Spain. My Spanish is rusty at best, so I hesitate to search for the correct words.

„I actually have no idea, but I can help you search for it?" I answer softly and she jumps up and down in excitement. Her laughter is addictive.

„What's your name?" I ask her as I ignore my heart swelling at her simply grabbing my hand like we do that on a daily basis. She starts to skip next to me with confidence and I am now no longer alone in walking next to the windows of València's buildings. I no longer look at my reflection, either. No thoughts about death.

„Ilsy," the girl chirps and I haven't stopped smiling the entire time.

„Nice to mee you, Ilsy," I say warmly and squeeze her hand. „Where are your parents, Ilsy?"

„Not here."

I blink. She's alone?

Ilsy is still skipping along the sidewalk like a pebble stone does across the surface of a lake. „My brother says they are happy now. But I know they're dead."

They're dead. I cannot help but stare at Ilsy and see her differently now. A lost little princess. „My condolences."

She simply shrugs with indifference but has stopped skipping. Matching my pace, we walk as slowly as elderly people.

"Where's your brother, Ilsy?"

That question causes her to giggle uncontrollably. With a mischievous grin, she turns toward me and whispers with a hand covering her mouth, "I kind of ran away from him to find ice cream."

I laugh with her but think about her brother. He must be worried sick. "Where did you leave him?"

Ilsy taps her index finger on her chin in thought. "At the park."

"Do you remember which park?"

She answers with a cheerful "Mmhh" and I admire her bright blond hair again. It's like it soaks in the sunlight to shine from within.

"Well, can you take me there, Ilsy? I bet they have ice cream in a park."

Grabbing my hand with both of hers, she gasps and I fear her childish joy may be infectious. Happiness is deadly to me. "Really?"

"Yes. C'mon, show me the way."

I did not expect her to start running and pull me with her right across the street without even considering the dense traffic. I have never feared speed. In fact, it has kept me alive. But that's me. I feel responsible for another human being now and a strange sense of realisation of the dangers of the world advises me to decelerate. "Ilsy, slow down!"

Yet the only answer I receive is her giggling. We keep running and I use my strength as an advantage to control our path of destruction every here and then. For example, to avoid getting hit by a truck. Or being mauled by a horde of bikers.

"We're almost there!"

I can see the vibrant green of trees emerge between the yellow façade of buildings. The green of the trees appears in stark contrast to the blue of the sky. Maybe it's Ilsy's presence but every colour appears to be more profound and lively. I never knew that something as common as trees can almost make me tear up.

My heart skips a thousand beats when Ilsy pulls me across a busy street again to reach the park. Cars honk and people yell out their disagreement but Ilsy's indifference is quite exhilarating. When we reach the park's entrance and walk amidst the crowd, I don't envy the people around me. I might even feel a little like I belong here. Ilsy has begun skipping again and hums the notes to a beautiful melody which I don't recognise. This place is not that different from the beach, I realise. There are children, couples, dogs barking, birds. I am the one that differs now. I find myself ridiculous for feeling that way. But spending time with Ilsy awakens my child self that has been caged behind walls. Again, happiness is dangerous. That doesn't stop me from boasting in it for just a little longer, though.

"There's my brother!" Ilsy exclaims and sprints toward a stranger. His back faces us but when Ilsy shouts out something I don't understand, he turns around and I feel even more idiotic and hilarious than I did just now. I have never believed in those moments that two pairs of eyes meet and the world stops spinning. But here I am, dangerously close to standing still only to have a chance at looking into those eyes for a second longer. Happiness is deadly to me, I said. I should have listened to my own words.