Twelve thousand words about you

Chapter 8: Better to regret what you've done than what you haven't

I opened the door and went to the elevator to press the button. I leaned on the wall and let out a small sigh and a big smile. It had been so perfect. I wish I had had my phone on silent or that my mom wouldn't have called. The elevator doors opened and I replayed the warmth of his body on mine over and over in my head until I got to my floor. I opened the door to my apartment.
-Hi mom!
My mom came to the entrance to greet me.
-Hey. You had a fun evening?
-Yes. Is everything alright?
-Yes don't worry. But we have a visitor.
I looked at her with an estranged looked. Who would visit us without warning this close to the end of the summer? I got my answer. A guy came out of a room and got closer to me, but keeping a distance between us. I looked at him without knowing what to do.
He was my cousin Alexander. Funny coincidence. Ironic, almost. He was a year older than me and used to live in the same town, but he had moved away for university. We used to be super close. But now I didn't know how to act around him. What had happened... it hadn't been his fault, not directly at least. But he was a constant reminder. It was difficult to look at him and not feel the happiness fade away. My mom knew something had happened between us last summer. But I couldn't tell her what. I didn't have that kind of relationship with her. I probably never would.
-Hey. - he said cautiously.
He didn't seem to know how to act around me either. Why had he come back? I nodded my head. I wasn't expecting this.
-I'm gonna take a shower.
The less words I said the better. I went to my room to grab my PJ's and went to take a shower.

I opened the shower faucet and let the cold water run through my body surface. I didn't want to think about him now. Not ever. I didn't want to ignore Alexander but it hurt being reminded of him every time we looked at each other. Him. I didn't want to think about him. I focused on Marc. Marc. I laughed bitterly. I had successfully ignored it until now.
I stopped the water. Stop. I told myself. I thought about the evening. It had been such an amazing evening. I wish it would happen over and over again, like when you wish you could read a book for the first time over and over. And I wish I could tell him everything I felt. Though I would be too embarrassed to ever do that. But...
What if I didn't have to tell him? What if I wrote him a letter? I could give it to him in the morning before they left. Suddenly I was impatient to get out of the bathroom.
-Nora! Dinner is ready.
I'd write it later. 

                                                                                             ***

The dinner went as good as it could have. Alexander and my parents talked about their years, how university was and about anything particularly interesting that had happened. I barely said a word. I had my look fixed down on my plate. I rushed to my room as soon as I cleaned the table and threw myself on the bed with a paper and a pen. I started writing with as good a font as I could make.
Dear Marc:
It has been a pleasure meeting you in these past few days. I can't believe how lucky I've been and the huge coincidence it was. I wish we would have met sooner, though I'm still grateful for the time we have spent together.
I loved the Saturday we spent together. We were so close and I loved sitting with you on your towel. I would have liked that it were the same Sunday afternoon, since we didn't have a lot of time together alone. But the bit we did had after was so worth it. I would do it again a million times. I love it when you call me yours. When you grab me by the waist. That you caress me. I love your smile. I love when we speak. Being with you. And I hate that we can't be together, but at least we met each other.
And although I haven't known you for that long, I feel like I've come to love you. You are one of those people who are just so easy to love. Honestly, it all feels like a dream. And I know that once the summer is over, we will probably stop talking. Or maybe you'll fall in love with a beautiful girl. But I'd like to keep this till then. maybe you think I'm crazy after reading this. Who knows?
Bon voyage.
I looked at it. I didn't read it. I knew if I read I would change something about it and I knew I had written what I felt. I didn't want to change what I felt. I wanted it to be raw. To be real. I folded it twice and put it into a envelope.
For Marc
From Nora
I wrote that on the envelope. If it never ended up in anything, at least we would both have this memory to hold on to. This story to tell. You only live once after all. It's better to regret what you have done than what you haven't. Usually. We tend to act based on our feelings. Most of the time it is the right choice. And when it's not, then we need to have strong enough morals and self will to choose the correct option. The one that hurts.
In this ocean of thoughts I fell asleep on my bed, holding on to the letter, to everything that he had made me feel and the words he had inspired me to write.

                                                                                             ***

Next morning I woke up. I had to give Marc the letter, but I hadn't counted on having my cousins here, and I was sure that my mom would make us spend some time together.
As I expected, when I got to the kitchen to have breakfast, my mom 'suggested' that we spend the day together. It was 10:35, so we could get ready and go somewhere before lunch. I reluctantly accepted. Even if I had Alexander on my back, I could at least still go and give Marc the letter.
I took extra time to get ready, trying to relay the moment when we would be left alone and forced to talk. I wrote to Marc, telling him that I would pass by his place before he left. I was having lunch at around 13:00, so I had to be there before that.
-Hi. - I said coldly.
-Hey. -he took a short pause - Any particular place you'd like to go?
-No. Though I do have to drop by a friend's house before we come back.
-Of course. I'll drive you.
I made sure that I had the letter in my pocket before getting in the car. I immediately turned the radio on. We started driving in silence. Neither of us said anything. We spend around ten minutes like that. I guess the silence was too much for him. I had eventually just learned to disconnect and rather enjoy the silence and being able to be in my own world.
-We don't need to talk about it if you don't want to. Or we can. Whatever you want. - I didn't think he quite knew what to do. What to say. I got that. I did want to sort things out. But not right now. Right then I just wanted to put those thoughts aside, somewhere where they wouldn't come back. I didn't want to be in a bad mood.
-I'd rather leave that in the past. - I wasn't in the mood to say anything else.
-That's fine. Just know I'm here to talk about it when you're ready.
If ever became ready, I thought.
- Are you nervous about next year?
Honestly, I was so caught up in the present that I hadn't had time to worry about the future yet. I wasn't quite nervous, more like excited. In a good way. Hopeful. Expectant.
-Kind of. I'm looking forward to it though. How was your first year at uni?
-It was amazing honestly. I have had so much fun. I think you will too.
-I hope so.
I leaned my elbow on the window and looked out on the road. We weren't driving anywhere particularly.
-Do you want an ice cream?
-Sure.
When we were kids, we used to go for an ice cream every Sunday. It was tradition. It was our thing. We kept talking about our everyday lives, about things we already knew, but that made the air lighter. Slowly, I started to feel more comfortable talking to him, almost as if we were close again. I even found myself laughing. I looked at the time. It was 12:32.
-Shit. I have to stop by my friend's place.
-Let's go.
We got in the car and five minutes later I saw his building from the distance. I could see Marc and Alex taking their things to their car. Before Alexander had completely stopped the car, I flew it opened and jumped out, smashing it behind me. I went over to him.
-Hi.
-Hi.
We hugged. I felt him in my arms. The same smell I still had on me from his sweater. I didn't know if I'd ever smell it again. We pulled back and he gave me a short kiss.
-I guess this is a goodbye. - he said.
-I guess it is.
-That was epic. - Alex said.
-What?
-The way you got out of the car.
We laughed. We hugged too. They were always going to be a good summer memory. Alex was my friend too after all. I didn't know what had happened between Mia and him exactly, or how it would end. I would meet up with her later. They got in the car. I turned around to walk over to mine, when I stopped in my tracks. The letter. I ran over to the car and tapped on the window. He rolled it down and I gave it to him. I ran away as fast as I could and hid in the car. It was done. I had written him a love letter and I had given it to him. I felt a tiny bit embarrassed, but mostly happy. For now, I had a happy memory left. I knew I would miss them, but that was a future-me problem. Right there in that moment, I was happier than I'd been in a long time.