The Hunger Games- What If's: Book Two

Chapter Seven

   All around me, I see a blur of images flashing before my eyes. Is it my own life? No, it can't be. I do see myself, though. In all of the images. It's almost as if I am an outside observer looking back at my life. 

   I close my eyes tightly, hoping to cast out everything but my own mind. The problem is, that's what I'm most afraid of. What things are lurking within my mind that I'm not aware of? I'm so afraid to be left alone with my thoughts, and all the scenarios where I think, 'What could I have done differently?'

  I try to quiet my mind, but I can still hear a whirring that hasn't ended since I was enclosed in the machine. It's a soft sound, almost as if a feather is moving very quickly inside my head. I can still see the images, but not nearly as clearly. Now, it's all just colors beneath my eyelids. I take a deep breath before I try to open my eyes. 

   "What?" 

   When I open my eyes, I am back at the beginning. Only, I am someone else, because I can see myself from across the room. I am back in the very first room I was put in, with the screens.

   "Hello, Katniss Everdeen of District 12." There's that voice again! I watch myself take a small, faltering step backwards. I listen to the rest of the speech, and watch as the darkness ensues. 

   Suddenly, it's as if someone hits a switch that makes everything happen faster. I watch as I struggle with the machine, and take out my pin to pop the seal on the door. I watch, as on onlooker like everyone in the Capitol. I watch myself stalk Linsky's machine, sliding back the metal panel that reveals her face. She looked so hopeless in her sleep.

  The worst part is watching myself fall. It's probably more painful to watch it and remember the pain than to just experience it. It's odd, though. Now, I can't feel anything in my ankle. I just now notice that I've been walking on it this entire time, and it hasn't bothered me. 

   I have no idea what's going on. Is this a dream? The Capitol may be trying to manipulate my memory. I'm sure they can do that. What's going on outside, now? What is happening on the television screens of the people in Panem? What could they possibly be watching? 

   The struggle between Linsky and me was actually sort of pathetic to watch. If only my ankle weren't injured at the time, I would have had no trouble taking her out. She had the brains to escape the Games the first time, but not the brawn to back it up.

   Wait. Did the Capitol pit us against each other on purpose? Linsky was smart enough to outsmart the Capitol. How did that even happen? The only reasonable explanation I can think of is that they let her live on purpose. There was a reason they wanted her dead, so they pitted us against each other in hand-to-hand combat, which I would, of course, win. 

   I don't think there were supposed to be any weapons, though. My mockingjay pin was a slip-up on the Capitol's part. I don't know about the metal in the machine, though. Was that there on purpose? Or, was there someone who put it there for me?

   I don't think I'm analyzing this clearly. Why would the Capitol want only me to live? I think they want both Linsky and I dead. Maybe that's why the walls wouldn't stop moving. I need to stop thinking everyone is either helping or hurting me. Sometimes people are just there, not doing anything spectacularly good or evil. 

   In any case, there is no reason for them to save me. Or anyone to save me, actually. I can only save myself, no matter what way I look at it. My father was the only thing that I truly cared about at the time he was here, and that couldn't save him. I tried to get sense into my mother, and that couldn't save her. Prim is so pure, so innocent. She won't stay that way if I can't save myself. She is why I'm still doing this, after all.