its 1am and i got her on my mind...again

i have no idea why im just laying in bed, listening to slow r&b music while staring at the ceiling. but for the umpteenth time in my life this is what im currently doing late night. i somewhat understand my anxiousness at night and why i can't really sleep because i have millions of thoughts racing. besides the usual insomia, tonight is unlike any other night for some odd ass reason. out of the blue, i was scrolling through old pics and texts from way back when. and i couldn't help but think to myself...damn i really fucked up. i was focusing so much on trying to make her happy, keep her happy, and make sure she would be mine for life. too bad that wasn't what she wanted at all. to be honest i still to this day don't understand what she truly wants. i know i shouldn't care as much as i do since she with her new man and soon to be husband. maybe im tripping because she seems way happier without me...maybe im selfish because i wanted her to feel what she feels right now...but with me as her one and only. am i wrong because i feel so strongly about her or because i should just let her be. there's absolutely no way i can experience 7 or 8 years of love and affection with someone else. even though im in a relationship right now...i can't help but think that she should've be the one still with me til this day. sometimes i wish that i can turn back to hands of time to the day we first met. for every date, every adventure, and every moment we had together i wish i can relive it all over again. i didn't care about people was saying about her because that's how much I truly loved her. i wanted to marry her and be a father to her beautiful daughter. i wanted her to be my everything for the rest of my life...no exaggeration. but she gave up on me saying that i wasn't "focused" on the right things. those words still haunts me and breaks me til this day not going to lie. but honestly i don't know what to do but just do what i been doing...laying in bed, listening to music while typing my thoughts on wattpad. just another typical saturday night for me.