A Place To Bloom

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Was she right?

I passed through the market. Merchants were setting up their shops, and buyers hadn't yet filled the streets. All of them were women. Some young girls helped their mother put up woven rugs on a wooden scaffold. An old woman crouched beside a cauldron poking at the coals beneath, and another held her infant in one arm as he suckled her breast. There were natives, Goloagi, Tobori, Saeni, most of them were mixed.

Many had numbers branded into their arms. All of them wore the same flap of fabric—some cotton, some silk—over a belt leaving most of their skin exposed to the sweltering, muggy heat.

She was right, wasn't she?

Outside the church, I had a passing thought to pick one of the guavas from the overgrown tree in the grounds, but the thought of food made me want to throw up.

The money I'd left for the tithe was gone, but the book of Scripture remained unmoved. The same black mold spots crept up along the white pages as before. I thought to perhaps turn to the passage that reminded me that lust was the deadliest of sins, that told me to run away from temptation, and flagellate myself for my disgusting conduct.

I didn't need to; Father made me memorize those verses.

I found a spot on the floor that didn't have a pool of water from the rain earlier and sat, leaning my back against the crumbling wall.

Alone.

Overhead, a vine crept through the opening high up on the far wall, sending out thin, yellow tendrils to grasp at the empty air.

It was that night over dinner at the Lake of Doom. Miyani had joined us. Her cheeks, her nose, her white-yellow eyes ensnared me. Her beautiful neck. Her muscled, chiseled shoulders. Her pixie-cut white hair, her cute ears, her soft lips. Her smile felt so natural, so pure. I remember thinking, here was a girl... a woman... in the heart of death's grasp and yet so full of life, and I obsessed over her.

I'd thought it was what I said to her the moment we'd arrived at Carthia, but it wasn't words at all. It was my gaze.

Never in my life had I considered that my eyes alone could be so offensive.

It wasn't just Carthia. Oasis saw me looking at her. Anyanna saw me looking at Oasis. Sarina saw me looking at Guenevieve, Mebibi saw me looking at Alys. How many more? Saewi saw the way I looked at her, and she preferred Geraln over me.

How many more?

With everything Ahmi said to me, it all made sense.

Miyani saw me staring and felt uncomfortable, and I kept staring. I should have picked up on that. She didn't know the words for piss off; she shouldn't have needed them. I should have seen how uneasy I'd made her feel and looked away. Instead...

You're cute.

God, how could I have been so stupid?

Did I even see her?

Did I not reduce her to her body, her face, her bare skin? And that was all I allowed myself to see. I couldn't be bothered to see the unease I'd put her in.

I hated myself.

I hated myself for making her feel that way.

For putting her in that position.

I lusted after her. I sinned.

Sarina.

What was the value of chastity if I allowed lust to drive me? I'd missed the point of chastity entirely.