I woke up today

01 - The Start

"When did this start?"

I was seated on a comfortable couch, my eyes wandering around. I came here ready to talk, but all of it went down the drain when it was really time to talk about it. I just didn't know where to start. I was recommended to go through this by the nurse at the hospital, my parents, my uncle, my aunts, my friends, my boyfriend– just literally everyone who cared about me.

I said I was okay. I had been dealing with it for three years already. I could manage my emotions well. I would never do anything to harm myself again. I was fine. Why do I need this?

"If hindi ka pa comfortable, ito na lang... Hmm, how do you feel right now?"

I looked away. "I'm fine..." That was the usual answer. What else could I say? "...I think."

"What made you doubt your answer?"

"Well..." I bit the skin of my pointing finger while thinking. I swallowed and remembered how I had been these past few months. "Sometimes... I get anxious."

"What makes you anxious?"

"People..." I truthfully answered. How would I explain that? "I feel like... Whenever I go outside, people look at me with disgust– like they know everything people say about me online, and they believe it. That makes me not want to go outside or even make eye contact with people... Sometimes, when I feel extra anxious... It feels like everyone I come across with anticipates my death."

"And why do you think that?"

"I receive messages from anonymous users telling me to die soon." My eyes wandered around again, finding something to focus on. "They're usually lengthy. They even vary in tone. Some are too angry that they type in capitalized letters, usually with a lot of exclamation points. Some are too calm, but they know how to choose words that would hurt you. My friends always tell me to stop reading them, but I just can't stop. Ever since I opened up about my deteriorating mental health back in 2020, people online never stopped mocking me. I regretted those moments. I should not have shared that vulnerable part of me. I was just– I couldn't say young– but I was immature. I thought everyone would be able to understand. It wasn't the case."

"So this started in 2020?"

2020.

Right... To be honest, I can only recall a few memories from 2020. Maybe it was the trauma. Maybe my brain got convinced to forget some of my memories back then.

"Lock down? As in bawal talagang lumabas? Huh? Paano 'yong groceries?"

The pandemic was something I never expected to happen. I thought we were just going to take a break from school, but suddenly the government announced a lockdown, which forced me to leave Quezon City to go home to my province. I thought it would last only for two weeks, then it got extended and extended. I even left all my school stuff in my condo unit.

It was scary... not being able to go out. People had to find ways to work or continue their studies. It was new to everyone. It was an adjustment. Since my school announced that the semester would end early and everyone would automatically pass the subjects, I dedicated all my time to writing. I was writing an ongoing series, and I was already in the middle of finishing it.

I had been a writer since I was twelve years old. It was just a hobby I discovered back then. 

"Why do you like writing?" someone asked when I was young.

"Because I don't talk a lot... I usually have trouble communicating with people, especially those I don't know. I feel awkward being left in the same space with a person I haven't interacted with. I feel awkward. I always overthink what I will say. So... I like writing because I don't have to open my mouth and talk. I have a lot of things going on here..." I pointed at my head. "So I need to do something to let them out. That's why I like writing."