I woke up today

PROLOGUE

"Hi, Aya! I just want to thank you for being here. I'm so glad you're okay na..."

I stopped signing the book and looked up at the girl. My mind went blank, and I remembered my state.

Sitting down on the cold tiles, begging, hugging my knees, crying, and wondering if I could still last another day.

My lips slowly formed a smile before looking down again at the book to avoid her gaze.

"What name should I put?" I asked, smiling.

"Naomi."

Oh... I started writing her name on the book. "Do you have anything you want me to put here?"

"Siguro something comforting. I've been suffering lately..." nahihiyang sabi niya.

I looked at her and smiled briefly before writing down the first thing I thought of.

To Naomi,

Better days are coming. Don't give up, okay?

Thank you for existing. I'm proud of you.

I stopped writing when I remembered something.

'Tangina mo, Aya. Kailan ka ba mamamatay?'

"Here." I smiled and gave back the book.

"Can I get a hug?"

"Sure."

I took her in my arms and started patting her back to comfort her. Then, I waved goodbye before another girl came with two books in her hands.

The book signing lasted for five hours or so. As soon as I got home, I showered and then posted photos thanking everyone for coming to my book signing. After that, I put my phone down and stared at the ceiling.

I was tired.

"Tomorrow is another day," I told myself.

I looked at the photos from the event and smiled to myself. After scrolling through the photos, I looked at the ceiling again and sighed.

"It's just for another day... Just... Try," I whispered to myself.

I closed my eyes and tried to practice breathing exercises to help myself sleep. Kung hindi, baka kung ano na naman ang isipin ko, o gawin ko.

"I hope when you die, you will go to hell."

Breathe.

"Ma'am, Sir... Pagka-discharge niya po, pakilayo na lang po 'yong mga dangerous or toxic substances, or any dangerous weapon, and don't let her be alone in her room... Be careful na lang din po kapag..." Even if the nurse was whispering, I could clearly hear him.

Breathe.

When did all of this start? I wonder...

"Hi! I'm Astrea Janica Solaris, and I write." I smiled at the camera while waving my hands.

Suffocating.

Was it because of that silly notebook where I wrote stories when I was twelve?

"Pangarap mo talagang maging writer?" my friend asked.

Umiling ako sa kanya. "Hindi. Hobby lang."

It was probably because of the mistakes and wrong decisions I made in the past.

"Sabi rito, iniwan ka na raw ng lahat ng friends mo at kaya raw walang nagtatagal sa 'yo dahil sa ugali mo." My friends laughed upon reading.

I shook my head."Hayaan n'yo na."

And also because of the fake rumors that kept on spreading.

"Hindi ka ba talaga magsasalita?" My other friend, Ria, asked. "Sabihin mo kaya sa kanila kung ano talaga nangyari?"

"Hayaan n'yo na," I said.

I couldn't count how many times I repeated those words.

"Sabihin mo lang, ako na magtatanggol sa 'yo. Papatulan na namin mga 'to! Ang dami-daming sinasabi, wala namang alam." Leo said.

I smiled and shook my head. "Huwag na... Hayaan n'yo na. Baka madamay pa kayo."

Maybe it was the result of countless explanations that just backfired and were taken out of context. Maybe it was also the trauma that prevented me from going out there to defend myself, even if it was in exchange for my image.

I had tried different ways to explain my side, but all the times I did that just got me more in trouble, so I thought...

"Nevermind. Less talk, less mistakes," I told Isa before deleting the draft I had made. I was tempted many times.

To go on live and talk in the middle of the chaos.

To upload a video.

Or to write a long speech.

But I was advised not to do it.

Hanggang ngayon, hindi ko rin alam kung 'yon ba ang tamang desisyon. I just started being more careful after what happened that one night in September. I was scared to fall into the endless pit of darkness once again. I was scared of the triggers. I could never know what could happen.

"Aya, magsalita ka na," Raiver told me. "Kailan ka ba magsasalita?"

"Never na siguro," I joked back and laughed.

But the serious answer was I wasn't ready. I was already living in peace. My heart was already in the right place. What if... What if I go back to that state again? What will I do? Will I be able to handle it? There were a lot of what-ifs stopping me. What should I do?

Just. Breathe.

"You can do it," I told myself. "And you've been doing it for a long time. Just... live one more day."

It could be scary. It could be tiring.

The world is as full of hatred as much as it is full of love.

But... Whatever happens, happens.

The important thing is... I woke up today.