Neighbors

Part 5: Friends

It was Monday morning again. The previous pool day had really taken me out of my slump. Getting out and doing something totally different might be what had been missing. The girls fell asleep so fast when we got home, and so did I. Mia and Reece were nothing like I had imagined but at the same time they had been perfect. They were so kind and generous. Who would invite people they don't even know to their house like that?

"What are you thinking about Charlotte" Carly asked, it was already lunchtime. The day had gone by fast and I seemed to be stuck thinking about yesterday's events. I think about the bathroom too, not in a weird way, it was just nice that she was so caring. So soft and her touch was... Nope, not going there. She was just nice.

"Oh yesterday we meet our neighbors and went for a swim"

"Oh my god! I thought about asking Eric to go swimming. But I think that is a bit forward, isn't it? What if I got a group of friends together, maybe it would be more casual"

"Yeah" And just like that a lump formed in my stomach again. I know that she is seventeen and I should not rely on her for my emotional support but it was a reminder of how little interest people around me actually had for me, how little they actually listened to me... Except Mia, she wanted to listen. I don't think that I let her talk at all. Now I feel a little bit bad about that, did I just talk her ear off? Maybe I made this great connection all up in my head. Maybe I just took the kindness of her, and there was no exchange in interest. I felt lonely again. The rest of the day did not pass quickly.

I finally picked up the girls, they always put a smile on my face but the whole way home they talked about being at Mia and Reece's house. I understand why but I tried not to think about her and they made it hard. I am starting to go over everything I said, over and over again. I didn't want to think about what they must have talked about after we left, about how I couldn't shut up about my own stuff.

Ben was late to get home. Again. I had to cook for the girls, help Julie with homework, give Chris a shower because she played in the mud, again. Then they wanted to go out so we went for a walk to the park. Chris got dirty again and when we got back Ben still wasn't home. I was going to call him when I saw a text from him 'I'll be late, sorry! Love you'. That was it? I wanted to scream, then I took a breath. I did not want to scream, I wanted to cry. I wanted to lay down on the kitchen floor and cry. Alone. I couldn't, I had kids who needed me. When I finally got them to sleep Ben came home. He acted like everything was fine, he did not ask me about my day. I told him that I would take a shower and go to bed, he just nodded and I went. As the water hit my face the tears started to flow. I was angry, frustrated, embarrassed, tired, and lonely. I kept crying. Ben crept into bed with me after an hour or so. He put his arms around me and started to kiss down my spine. I wanted to hit him with a fucking brick. Then again, he had done nothing wrong. He had been at work, he came home, ate and wanted to have sex with his wife. I actually thought about just letting him.

"Not tonight. Long day" I whispered into the dark, he let go of me completely. To me this told me that he wanted sex, not to be close to me. I felt myself starting to cry, I held my breath and let the tears fall until there were none left.

I woke up and it was Tuesday and I was going to have a good day if it killed me. Ben had already left so I had to start breakfast and get the girls up. I would definitely call myself a morning person, I can not say the same for my children. I had to carry them to the couch and try to pry them awake. I gave them breakfast and put their clothes together. They could dress themself, Chris sometimes needed some help but Julie insisted on being the one to help. I sometimes look over at them and my chest fills with fresh air. I really love being a mom. I dropped Julie first then Chris, her handover took more time and was closer to work, I had a system. I finally got to work and I was 5 minutes early, I smiled, this was a good day. I went into the staffroom and sat down with Marjorie, we chatted and she told me I look really happy today. She made me feel seen, sure it was a small thing but she looked at me today, she could see my mood and not only the facade. Work was nice, pick up was good but when I got home, Ben was not there. I felt the pain of disappointment. I really had a great day, and I wanted it to keep going. I started to make dinner with no word from Ben. We ate and as we finished and I started the dishes, I heard someone at the door. I was going to tear him a new one, I never did, but today I was going to. I stomped to the front door, but he wasn't there. I heard knocking. Why is he knocking? I almost threw the door open ready to scream, but he was not there. Instead I saw Mia. I felt my body go from rage to relief, at least I think that relief is the closest thing to describe my feeling.