Neighbors

Part 17: Existing

I felt embarrassed and stupid. I knew that the way Ben spoke to me sometimes wasn't great, but it was only when he was upset or stressed. He was right in telling me to keep a better watch of the girls when we were at the pool, I should just have done what he said and I would have saved myself some of the embarrassment and discomfort of the later interactions with Mia and Reece. I knew that it looked bad from an outsider's point of view but there was more to the story... They don't know how great he is, he is a good father and the girls love him. He makes sure that we are well provided for, at one point he really wanted me to stop working because financially we could do that. I wanted to keep working though, sure I had to work a little harder to make sure things around the house got done, but a lot of women were both homemakers and worked full time.

When we got home from the pool me and the girls ate and then started to get ready for bed. The bathroom smelled of chlorine, I really like that smell. I think that it reminds me of being a kid. I used to be super bright and when I did well in school we went swimming. Not to brag but I was exceptional so we went every weekend. I wonder where that child went. Sometimes I look at my kids and I see so much of that in them, I hope that they won't lose it like I did.

I went to bed, Ben still wasn't home. I wondered where he was but I knew that he would get irritated if I called. Ben hates nagging. I woke up as he got into bed, I pretended to still sleep. He shook me softly and I turned to look at him.

"Hey baby" he kissed my forehead.

"Hi" I smiled softly.

"I just closed a huge account, we are going to be set for years" He kissed me. "I can't even be mad at you, I am so happy" I was still half asleep and most of this conversation didn't make sense to me.

"Congratulations, that's amazing" I say in a sleepy voice. I start to turn away and he grabs my shoulder.

"We should celebrate" He puts his hand on my stomach and pushes my shirt up. I don't move, I don't say anything. "You kind of owe me anyway" He starts to remove his own clothes and my pants. Once again he enters me without me getting wet. This time hurt more than the last.

"Ben, wait" He hushes me and keeps going. It hurts and it burns. I start to cry and I don't know if he notices but he doesn't say anything, he just keeps going. The rest is a blur and when he finally finishes he just says.

"Don't ever embarrass me in front of people again" His voice is not loud nor harsh, he just states it and then he turns away.

I did not expect this to break me. I went into some kind of detached state, I just needed to survive for a while because I didn't have the energy to justify the things that had happened just yet. I was going through the motions but I wasn't really there; I don't know where I was. I was back to being invisible at work, tired at home, afraid of sleeping in my own bed. Mia didn't cross my mind, nothing really did. I just simply existed. Then all of a sudden I am walking, walking fast through the neighborhood. I was heading to the woods. I was headed to the small space borrowed to me by my best friend for when I had nothing of my own. I did not have anything of my own. I didn't have my home, my bed, my mind, my body, I was drowning.

I arrived and I sat down on a small patch of moss right beneath a big rock. I held my breath and tried to not exist. I felt the world stop and I realized that I don't even know if I do exist anymore. I used to have purpose in all the things I loved to do and now my only purpose was my children. I love my children, if I am being honest they were the only thing that really kept me here. I don't want to be here anymore I thought to myself and the thought scared me. I knew that I wouldn't kill myself, I couldn't do it to Chris and Julie, but I just don't want to be here anymore. Then all of a sudden I existed again, every bad emotion, every bad thought, every ounce of loneliness came to me at once. I couldn't breathe. I might actually die out here. At least it is a pretty place to die I thought as I started to see black patches in the field of my vision. I laid down and tried not to fall off the earth.

Do you believe in angels? I do not, but as I opened my eyes laying on my back on the ground in the woods that Tuesday evening and saw a backlit figure with red hair lean over me I considered it.

"Char, can you hear me?" She was stroking my cheek, was she crying? I nodded as good as I could and she finally smiled.

"Mia I think you might be an angel, do you know that?" I asked without thinking about it.

"I don't think there is anyone in my life that would call me that" She was blushing. I made her blush. It was very obvious to me at this moment that I wanted her. I wanted her more than I wanted air. I wanted her more than I wanted anything in my life. I sat up to face her.

"Mia I need to kiss you" I took one second and then I just did. It was so easy, it was like I had done it thousands of times before. I put my hands in her hair and on the back of her neck. She put her arms around me, holding our bodies together. She pulled away.

"You are married" She breathed out.

"I don't care, I only want you" This time she leaned in. I pulled her down as if to lay on top of me. The ground beneath me felt soft and her body was so light on top of me. I never wanted it to stop, but of course it did. She sat back a little.

"Char, you scared me half to death, why were you on the ground?" It was a lot to answer, and I didn't really know.

"I don't really know. Wait... How did you find me?"

"It's Tuesday and I didn't find you so you could say that it was an educated guess to find you here" To be known is to be loved, and she knew me, she really did. We sat up and faced each other. I knew that I had to tell her about what was going on.

"You found me" I smiled. She looked confused but happy. I kissed her again, just a soft peck.

"Char. What happened?" The joy that had fluttered in my chest sank to a solid mass in the bottom of my stomach.

"I think I kind of broke for a second there" It was as close as I could describe it. She looked concerned but just waited for me to speak. "I don't think Ben is a very good person" I knew that I was going to cry. "He was really nice when we met. Smart and funny and he loved me, like love I had never felt before. Like I was everything in the universe to him. With some time he got used to having me around I guess, I wasn't his universe, just a nice part of his day. I never dated anyone else so it made sense to marry him. Then we had kids and he started to get insecure. He was working in the city and he couldn't check in on me as much, so he wanted me to stop seeing my friends. To take care of the kids you know? He just took and took... I had nothing and I didn't even know" I take a deep breath trying not to make any eye contact. "Then I met you and you had stuff, Reece let you have stuff and you wanted to be my friend and the absence of all the things I never had started to become palpable. I couldn't lose you and I think that me making that clear made him meaner... He never was that mean before and I don't think he made me feel dirty like that before" She tries to catch my eyes, she looks confused.

"He makes you feel dirty?" It was a fair question, I think that I was trying to find a way to tell her about the issues with our sex life without saying the words...

"Yeah, so, I never slept with anyone else... And we had some issues, like I don't think I work like I am supposed to" God, this is a fun thing to talk about with the woman you might or might not have fallen in love with in a way that makes you question all love that came before this one. "But, it never hurt this much, he cared before and now he doesn't. I think it was the last straw. He came home after the pool night and he had sex with me" I turned away a little as I felt the tears fall. "He didn't care Mia, it hurt so I cried and he didn't care" I sobbed so hard that my body shook and she held my hand. I can feel her shake as well. Strange. I look at her, that is something I hadn't seen. Rage.