"im fine"

31/07/24

i went a full 13 days without cutting.

i went a full 13 days without creating what will become new scars

it was like 11 at night, i tried distracting myself by drawing on my wrists in red pen, i tried reading larry smut on wattpad, but i couldnt, i needed to feel the cold blade on my skin.

but unfortunaltly for me, its pretty hot, 28 degrees, massive in the uk dont judge, so no sleeves or hoodies or anything.

so i cut my shoulders and thighs where nobody can see.

but im so fucking useless, i cant even go a day without having a negative thought.

heres my list of why i cut yesterday.

im pathetic, i have no idea what anyone possibly can see in a suicidal, self harming, ridiculus, ugly, horrible, selfish, fat, pointless, de[ressed, supposedly anxiety racked, crazy, horrible, unkind, nasty, bossy, useless, obsessed with 5 guys at least 14 years older than me, im so ridiculus to think anyone wants me around, i horrible, im pointless, i want to kill myself right now, i deserve to die. get the misery out of everyone, so they can gradually forget about having ever seen such a freak, like me.

i wish i could be normal. i wish i could just love myself,

i wish i could just be finn.

i wish i could be myself, a boy, a he, a him, a one direction fan without being guilt shamed for likeing 30 year old guy's music that have saved me from suicide multiple times, im sorry i cant be the little girl you want. im sorry im moving out on my 18th birthday, im sorry next time you find something wrong and yell at me, im leaving for good.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

having a hard few weeks/days/months

i tried overdosing on hayfever tablets, i took 3 instead of 1. i got ill, fever, sick, and yeah, extremly emotional over nothing, they didnt put that on the side effects i looked up. but did that, tried cutting myself to death, didnt work, one of my friends stopped me, so yeaaah

sorry.