Time Away From Home

Happy Birthday!

Sunlight poured in through the window and Caroline blinked awake. It was Friday, and also it was Mick's birthday. He was twenty-nine now... Wherever he was... she laid in her bed and looked up at the ceiling. She didn't really know what she would have planned for him if things had been different. He wasn't a big partier, and neither was she. What did he even like? She knew he liked to hunt, so maybe she would have taken him out hunting, or maybe just out to the range. Perhaps she would have gotten him a new gun- perhaps she should still get him a new gun. She hadn't thought about his birthday gift... She felt bad about that... The clock was telling her it was a quarter past eight, so she got up, got ready, and headed down to her Vauxhall. She got in and instead of going to work, she drove out of town. Her therapist wasn't far away and it didn't take long to get to her office. Caroline walked in and took a seat in the waiting room, bouncing her leg anxiously as she looked around. It was the same waiting room she'd seen a few times now, and it was starting to feel familiar. It was only a few minutes later when Kim came up to collect her, "Caroline, hey! Come on back!" Caroline followed her and they went into her office. It was a nice, comfortable space with a couple cozy couches and art all over the walls. There were also wide selections of toys and games around the place that made it feel a little like a playroom. Kim had told her it was for a form of 'play therapy' that was helpful when she was trying to communicate with her younger clients and Caroline thought that was pretty neat... She sat on one of the couches and Kim sat across from her in the sofa-chair, then she pulled out a notebook and a pen and she smiled kindly at Caroline, "So, how's it been?" Caroline shrugged, "It's been okay...", "Just okay?" Caroline shrugged again, "After the other night I've been fine... Terry's been going through a tough situation, so I've been mostly worried about her.", "Your friend?" Kim asked, beginning to scribble down notes. "Yeah. Her boyfriend cheated on her and they broke up.", "Ooh, not fun.", "No- and poor Terry... I know she liked him a lot." Kim nodded, "It's really tough when a partner betrays someone's trust like that." Caroline nodded and Kim continued, "And I bet it's really upsetting to see your friend go through that." Caroline nodded again, "Yeah, and- you know what? I only met that guy once, but he sucks!", "Yeah?", "Yeah! Screw him! No one gets to play around with my best friend like that and get away with it!", "Your best friend?", "Hm?", "Terry is your best friend?", "Oh, yeah. Me and Terry have known each other since highschool. Me, her, and my friend Lewie were all friends together back in the day. We were always hanging out and being dumb teenagers. You know, going to parties we weren't supposed to go to, maybe some light vandalism... Maybe..." Kim chuckled, "It's really neat that you've stayed in contact with Terry since highschool. Do you still keep up with your other friend? Lew-Lewis?", "Lewie, and yeah, I speak with him sometimes, but he's up in Michigan with his- he's living up in Michigan right now, so it's hard to keep in touch.", "Ah." Kim acknowledged, scribbling down some more notes before asking, "Do you have any other friends around?" Caroline leaned back, "Not really? I mean, I'm pretty friendly with the people I work with and with my neighbors, but not... Not 'call during a panic attack' friendly..." Kim nodded, "Speaking of, how are you doing after that?" Caroline flushed and scratched her face, "I'm fine... It was really just an over-reaction.", "Do you know what caused it?" Caroline shrugged, "I guess... I'd just had a really bad day- well, I wouldn't even call it bad, I'd just call it busy- and I was working so much I forgot to eat, so I went and got something from the breakroom, but apparently what I grabbed was someone elses and she got mad at me, even though she shouldn't have put her stupid granola bar there in the first place- and it all just kinda spiraled downhill from there...", "From the granola bar?", "No- well, kinda. That more just started everything. I got home and I was frustrated, and then I was thinking about Mick and how much I miss him- and then I guess I just-" Caroline held her face, "I guess I just got too worked up over nothing, and I wanted Mick to be there and he wasn't there, and he isn't here- right now, I mean- and then I got scared and... and I had a panic attack..." Kim nodded, writing in her notebook as Caroline continued, "and- you know, I've been thinking... I think I've been too reliant on Mick these last few months.", "You think?" Kim asked over her notebook. "I think so. I've been doing so well up until now, and then Mick is gone for three weeks and he's all I can think about!" Kim pondered, "Do you think that's irregular?", "Maybe? I don't know. I just know that I feel like I've been barely functioning without him. Like, I haven't been able to clean my apartment or do my make-up or any of the normal things I know I can do because- because, well- I don't know!" Kim quirked an eyebrow, "Have you been able to do those things during this last month?" Caroline quirked an eyebrow back, "What do you mean? I just said I couldn't.", "I just meant that- the last time I saw you, you were telling me about how you couldn't bring yourself to make your bed or tidy up or anything of the sort. Has that changed since I last saw you?" Caroline blinked, "When was that?", "About a month and a half ago." Oh... Right. It had been that long, hadn't it? Caroline clasped her hands together and mumbled, "Well... Um, yes a lot has happened... and that time before was different. My dad had just died and I was just depressed and sad, but now... It's different.", "Like now you're depressed and sad because Mick is gone?" Caroline blushed, "Uh, I mean... I know he's not gone gone. I'm probably just still grieving my dad- I mean, I am, just it's more exaggerated now." Kim looked over her face, "That's certainly a possibility. And at the same time, Mick is gone. Not gone gone, but the effect is still the same." She gave a shrug, "He's not here and you are. That hurts." Caroline blinked, "What do you mean?" Kim leaned forward, "Is it possible that you're grieving Mick right now as well?" Caroline was horrified, "What?! No! He's coming back!" Kim held up her hands, "I know. He'll be coming back- you said at the end of the month? Right?", "Yeah, around then.", "Right, and at the same time he's out for right now. It's the same effect on the brain.", "As if he were dead?!" Kim shrugged, "Yeah." Caroline paused to think about that... She did have to admit that most of the time, she didn't feel like her dad was dead. It was as if he was just working and she was living her life like they had been for so long, and at any time she could pick up the phone and call him, or pop on over for a visit and nothing would be different. They'd have a nice chat and then move on, living their own separate lives... Then she'd remember that she couldn't do that anymore and she'd get sad, but for the most part her life hadn't changed all that significantly since he died. On the other hand, not having Mick around was making her a nervous wreck. Her life had changed significantly in these past three weeks and she was struggling to handle it. Caroline pressed her palms against her head and stammered, "Am I grieving Mick?!", "Are you?" Kim asked rhetorically and Caroline shook her head, "He's not dead, he's gonna come back-!", "Caroline, greif is an emotion, not a situation. We feel it when we feel loss." Caroline was startled at that realization, but then she sighed, "... Well, I'm definitely feeling a loss right now... Wow, okay, I guess I am grieving him." Kim nodded, "And what have you been doing with that feeling?", "I've mostly been hanging out with Terry when we can, or working... and when I'm not busy I'm usually thinking about him and then I get sad, or cry, or have a panic attack." She joked that last part, but Kim nodded sincerely. Caroline continued regardless, "Mostly I've just been living... by myself... and I don't know why I've become such a mess! I was living on my own for years and I've been fine! Years! And I haven't even been living with Mick that long! It's only been three or four months! And I'm this much of a wreck without him?!", "Well, he's also been a pretty consistent source of stability and emotional support for you, hasn't he?", "I mean, yeah, but I can support myself- or I could. I don't know why I can't anymore." Kim asked, "Can you really not?" and Caroline slumped, "Not as well as I could have before..." Kim pointed, "And what's changed since then?", "...A lot?", "Right, a lot. So why are you expecting to see a version of yourself that hasn't experienced those things?" Caroline blinked. She briefly imagined herself only a few months ago and wondered what she would say to herself. What could she say to herself? Would it have made any difference if she had never met Mick at all? No, Heidi would have killed her father regardless, the only difference was that Mick got her out of there, and he was there to comfort her afterwards. And the next day, and the day after that, and the day after that- He'd been so willing to be there for her at her worst... and what had she really done to repay him for that? Kim interrupted her thoughts by saying, "What's on your mind? I see you thinking." Caroline picked at her nails, "I just... I've only been in this relationship for a few months now and... and then my freaking dad dies and Mick's been here as best as he can for me, but now I'm wondering... What if he's just being nice to me?" Kim was taken aback, "What do you mean?" Caroline shrugged anxiously, "I mean, what if he actually doesn't like me, but he's just too polite to break up with me because my freaking dad just died?!" Kim gave her a weary look, "Do you think he's just being nice to you?", "Maybe?! I don't know! But I wouldn't know, because he's so nice!", "Do you think he wouldn't be honest with you about that?", "I- I mean, I know he's honest and he would be honest about that, but at the same time- if your partner just lost a parent, would you break up with them right then?" Kim shrugged, "Probably not the day of, I'd wait for a better moment-", "Exactly! What if he's just waiting for the right moment?! Or what if he's realizing what I'm realizing right now, and now he's realized that he doesn't actually like me?!", "You can 'what-if' anything. 'What if the sky falls?', 'What if I get hit by a car?', 'What if I get attacked by birds?' Anything can be a what-if, but is it likely?" Caroline bit on her lip. Was it likely? Probably not- but it could be. Kim set her notebook on her lap, "Caroline, I don't know anything about your relationship, personally, and at the same time, the way I watched him bring you into my office and sit with you that first appointment was like stepping into a fairytale. I don't know if things have changed between you two, but at that time I could feel how much that man loves you. Feel it! Like it was radiating off him!" Caroline felt her face heat up, "Yeah, but that was right after. Now he's had to live with me like this for a month! He must be tired of me by now...", "And how has that been?", "Hm?", "How has living together this last month been?" Caroline looked down at her shoes, "...Really nice... For me anyway. I don't know how it's been for Mick, but-", "Tell me more. What has living with him this past month looked like day to day?" Caroline scratched her face, "Well... Um, usually we wake up together- He typically gets up earlier than me so he makes us breakfast- but one time, I woke up at four in the morning and I couldn't go back to sleep, so I got to make him breakfast!", "And did he appreciate that?", "Oh, yeah! He was so shocked when he woke up, and his face had this big ol' goofy grin- but then he got worried about me waking up so early, and he told me I could wake him up if that ever happened again.", "Did that happen again?", "Once, yeah.", "And did you wake him up?", "Yeah... and he helped me fall asleep again... that was nice- but anyway, normally after breakfast we split ways for work, and then sometimes I go to the store or whatever, then I usually come home and make us dinner. Mick's work schedule is inconsistent, but he usually comes back before dark and then we have dinner and clean up and then go to bed and then... uh, and that's our normal days, unless we go on a date or he has an off day or something. I remember one time he just took me out on a random Thursday and we went and got lunch, then we went and fed the ducks at the lake and that was super fun!", "Well, that sounds lovely! What has you thinking that he's not wanting to be with you anymore?" Caroline brought her knees up on the couch, "I don't know. Part of me just feels like-" Caroline checked the time, then she did a double take, "It's almost been an hour already?!" Kim looked up at her wall clock, "We've still got some time. Continue.", "Uh... Where was I?", "I asked why you think Mick doesn't want to be with you anymore if you are having such a good time together?" Caroline flicked her gaze up at the clock, "Uh, I just feel... like... Something just feels like it's not right. Like it's not gonna last.", "Ah." Kim mused making a note, and Caroline looked up at the clock again, "Or something like that. It just feels like it's too good to be true." The clock hit ten o'clock and Caroline stood up. Kim gestured, "My next appointment's not until one. If you wanna chat a little longer I have time.", "Mm..." Caroline considered, but she shook her head, "No, it's okay. I should get started on some books anyway.", "Alright." Kim stood as well, "Would you like to make an appointment for next time?" Caroline shook her head, "No, I'll probably be fine. This was just... I'll be fine..." Kim gave her a knowing smile, but nodded anyway, "Alright, but if you need anything you can always call me. Okay?", "Thank you." Caroline said, and then Kim walked her to the door. They waved goodbye and then Caroline drove herself home. She parked in her spot, moved up the steps to her apartment and unlocked the door before stepping inside. She closed the door behind her and took in a big breath. The last couple times she'd gone to therapy she ended up crying afterwards, but this time she only left with a sense of looming dread, so she supposed that was an improvement. She kicked off her shoes and moved to the kitchen, making herself a quick salad and bringing it to the table. She considered the books she had to balance in her briefcase by the door, but they didn't really need to be returned until the next week... so Caroline grabbed a book off her shelf instead. She opened up one of the many romance novels she owned and read it as she ate her salad. It was a silly period piece with characters so incompatible that they really shouldn't have been paired together, but Caroline didn't care. She hadn't indulged in her collection of romance trash in a while. It was about damn time. Once she finished her salad, she cleaned out the bowl and put it away before taking her book to the couch. It was a really silly book. The main character was this poor woman who was actually a master thief who stole things to take care of her family, while the love interest was a rich lord who was being pressured to marry and produce an heir by his family- and thus, hijinks ensue. The woman's disguised at a party to get close to him, and he falls for it, but then they get to know each other and she doesn't know if she can steal from him, but she has her kid siblings to feed! Oh no! He invites her to live with him and they fall in love, but then she goes ahead with the plan anyway and- Shock! The third act betrayal! The story wraps up with her running away and him finding out about her siblings and the whole misunderstanding is resolved, and then they lived happily ever after the most unrealistic series of events ever. Caroline closed the book and looked up at her clock. It was already getting late. She put the book back on her shelf and moved into her bedroom, changing into her nightshirt and going to brush her teeth. She picked up her toothbrush but kept her eyes on Mick's for the entire time it took her to clean her teeth. She spit and rinsed, and then she went and laid down in bed, looking up at her ceiling. "Happy Birthday, Micky." She whispered, and she hoped the message would get to him... Maybe it would... She closed her eyes and her mind thought of him. She wondered what he was thinking about. He was probably busy doing some important mission stuff, but if he was here, what would they do? She imagined his hand moving across her, and she remembered the feel of his lips on hers... heat pooled in her stomach, and she considered where her thoughts were taking her for a moment- Did she really want to do this? She answered that by moving her hand down to pull up her nightshirt, tracing her hands over where Mick liked to touch her. And here we go... Mick really liked her boobs. He'd told her that they were just really soft and nice, and Caroline had to agree. She traced each breast with her fingers, around and around, before she grabbed her boobs with a squeeze. A shiver went down her spine and she arched her back. Mick loved to play with her boobs. She pinched her nipples between her fingers like he normally did, and she had to squeeze her thighs together at the sensation. He had this affinity for licking her that she didn't quite understand, but in fairness, she did the exact same thing- and she loved it. She couldn't exactly lick herself, but maybe she could do the next best thing... She got up and grabbed Mick's toothbrush, sticking it in her mouth and running her tongue over the bristles. The oral sensation was amazing and she took her time with it, getting back in bed and laying down again as the anticipation racked her excitement up and up and up. Once she was impatient enough, she pulled up her shirt and took the toothbrush out of her mouth, gently running it over one of her nipples. "Nnghm" She moaned, the combination of the physical sensation and the mental intrigue was really doing it for her. She did her other side, teasing herself to the point of it being unbearable, then she stuck the toothbrush back in her mouth and continued on. She trailed her fingers down until she caught the waistband of her panties, then she lifted her hips up to take them off. She threw them over the side of the bed and she sat up so she kneel over, resting her chest on the bed as her hands found their way between her thighs, and then they went exploring. Oh, she was already dripping- I see you're ready for me... The Mick in her memory purred and Caroline grinned at the thought. She pushed two fingers inside herself and stoked them against the inner wall of her vagina. She groaned quietly, her hips rocking slightly as she worked herself. Yes, that's it. Good girl... Her imaginary Mick growled in her head and Caroline melted at the mere thought of him. She really wished he could have been there so she could grind on him, but... but she could do the next best thing... She grabbed Mick's pillow and placed it down, straddling it before she- f-fuck it was already incredible! That's where he put his head, and just imagining his head there- She grinded down on the pillow with a whimper. The pillow itself wasn't really doing it for her, so she brought her fingers into the mix- and then she realized just how wet she really was... She was gonna have to wash this pillow now, but oh well. It didn't really smell like him anymore, anyway... As she was riding his pillow, her tongue ran over each brustle of Mick's toothbrush and she could feel it straight between her legs. She ran her fingers over her clit in circular motions, and her hips bucked- each little movement was driving her mad. You got it! Keep going, darlin'... She kept up her pace, her thighs fighting her hands for the amount of space down there. She wanted to squeeze the pillow between her thighs, but she was also rubbing herself off and needed the room to do so. In her mind, Mick said, give me some noise, Lynn! And Caroline squeaked out a little sound. Aw, I know that ain't the best you got! Now, give me some fuckin' noise, Lynn! Caroline let out a soft moan and it went straight through her. Come on, you can do better than that! Louder! She sucked in a breath and moaned deliberately, the act almost making her cum right there. Yes, cum for me, Lynn. Do it. She couldn't stand it anymore. She began rubbing faster and she could feel it on the horizon. Yes! Cum for me! And give me some fuckin' noise, why's it so quiet in here?! Caroline's libido paused for a moment so she could think back at him, Because I have neighbors. But the Mick in her head just replied, Fuck that. They hear us all the time. Ain't no point in bein' shy now! And Caroline rubbed her clit faster, letting out a louder moan. Good girl, Lynn. Now cum for me- and she did. Her orgasm being a full body experience. Warmth spread over her entire body and she let out a small cry as her muscles gave out and she collapsed on her bed. She brought her hands up to brush the hair out of her face, but then she felt the wetness of her arousal and she paused. Out of curiosity, she spit the toothbrush out of her mouth and licked one of her fingers. It wasn't bad. The taste was slightly salty and the texture was a little mucus-like, but that was more or less what she expected. She put her hand back down and just rested there for a minute as she recovered. That's when she really missed Mick. After sex they would always cuddle and it was the best part. The pillow touching her side was almost like a cuddle, but she could also feel the wet spot and she sighed, sitting up and grabbing it. She shuffled to her kitchen and threw it into her washing machine, putting in some disinfectant with the regular detergent and starting it, then she went to the bathroom and peed. Once she was done with that, she washed her hands and moved back to her bedroom to lay down- only to get poked in the back. She reached behind her and pulled out Mick's toothbrush- Then she blushed, her post-nut-clarity informing her all about how embarrassing it was to have just done that. To have done all that... Oh God, what did she just do? She just humped Mick's pillow and violated his toothbrush, is what she just did. Fucking- what a fucking lunatic! Caroline ran her hands over her face in shame. She really was a fucking mess. Wasn't she? How had Mick lived with her for so long? Tears welled up in her eyes and she flipped over, hugging her pillow. That was it, wasn't it? Mick was gonna break up with her. And after what she'd just done? She felt disgusted with herself. Why couldn't she just be normal? Why couldn't she just be normal? Why did she have to be a horny weirdo that drove people away? She cried into her pillow because she didn't know the answers and the questions just kept coming...