Time Away From Home

At the disco...

Caroline woke up and she felt like shit. As she'd been recovering, she'd been having less days like this, but without Mick, these last couple weeks felt like she'd slipped back to square one. She sighed and reached out for Mick's pillow... but it wasn't there. Her adrenaline spiked and she bolted up. It was gone. She panicked and searched her sheets frantically before looking over the side of the bed- and there it was. Relief flooded through her as she reached down and picked the thing up- And then she realized she just went manic over a fucking pillow. A pillow that barely even smelled like him anymore. She sighed and hugged it close, taking a deep inhale. It was very muted, but it was still there. The smallest hint of him. Or it could have been her imagination... That particular thought brought a swell of emotions Caroline hadn't been prepared to deal with, so she quickly pushed them down and stood up... She really felt like shit. She wanted to just stay in for the day, but she had a few clients she had to meet with so instead of wallowing in her own self-pity, she got ready for the day. She went to the bathroom and brushed her teeth, but the entire time her gaze was fixed on Mick's toothbrush. She missed him so fucking much, it hurt. She spit and rinsed her mouth out, then she wiped her face clean and looked up at herself in the mirror... She didn't like what she saw. Caroline blinked at her reflection and her reflection blinked back, but it felt wrong. She looked wrong. Her hair was done, her face was clean, but she looked stressed and desperate. She pulled on her cheek, watching the bags under her eye move and she frowned. Fuck, she looked rough. She considered again just staying in, but she had a job to do. She didn't have the energy to do any make-up or make her bed, but hey- it wasn't like Mick was here to see her so what did it matter? She just left her apartment like it was and drove to her office building, parking and heading inside only to find her first client waiting for her in the lobby. She looked at her watch and cringed- She was ten minutes late. She said to her client, "Hey! So sorry I'm late, were you waiting long?" Her client shook their head, "No, not too long, don't worry about it. I was late too." They whispered out that last part and Caroline cracked a smile, "Well, at least I'm not the only one, then. Come on." and she led them to her office... Caroline spent most of the morning working until her body reminded her that she had not eaten yet, and then she grumped because she realized that she hadn't made her lunch either. She looked around her office for a snack, but she couldn't find anything so she went over to the breakroom. The office building was a shared space for several different businesses, but sometimes people bought granola bars or donuts or whatever for anyone to have as a communal kind of offering. Luckily there was one such granola bar on the counter and Caroline nabbed it, scarfing it down quickly. She threw away the wrapper and grabbed a paper cup, filling it with water and downing it before filling it up again. She drank that down too, then tossed the cup, walking out of the break room feeling a tiny bit more refreshed. She passed one of the women that worked in the office on the way out, and said, "Pardon me." as she passed. The woman said, "Excuse me." in return before moving into the breakroom. Just before Caroline was out of earshot, she heard the woman say, "Seriously? Who ate my granola bar?" and Caroline paused. She could just keep walking, but... She sighed before sticking her head back in the break room to say, "Sorry, was that yours?" The woman gave her a grumpy look, "Did you eat it?" Caroline rubbed her hands together anxiously, "Yeah I didn't know it was yours, sorry.", "Seriously?" The woman huffed, "Are you kidding me? Who just takes stuff off the counter?", "Well, usually people leave stuff for everyone right there, so I just assumed... Sorry, I can get you another one." The woman rubbed the bridge of her nose and grumbled, "No, it's fine, it's just a granola bar- but don't just grab other people's stuff off the counter without thinking about it next time." Caroline wanted to point out that it was her that had put her granola bar in the free community spot, but instead she just ducked out with a, "Sorry." and went back to her office. She kept thinking about that for the rest of the day. She didn't like how she'd just rolled over like that, but at the same time- it was just a freaking granola bar. What was the big deal? She was relieved when she saw her last client of the day and once they had left, she packed up her shit and bolted. She was firing on her last cylinder here and she felt like she was running out of fuel. She got back to her apartment and trudged up the stairs, her grumbling stomach giving her something else to be grumpy about. Then she went to put the key in the lock, but the key was being stubborn and her patience was wearing thin. After an embarrassingly long struggle to put the damn key in the hole, she finally got it and unlocked her door. She walked in, kicked off her shoes, then dropped her briefcase on the ground- only to have it unlatch and spill her books all over the fucking floor. Her pent up anger flared, but she suppressed it, crouching down and very gently putting her papers back in the case. She carefully latched it back up, then she moved to the kitchen and with the last remnants of her will, she opened the fridge to see what she could make for dinner... She looked, and she looked, and she looked some more... and the more she looked the more overwhelmed and over-tired, and- and fucking mad she got. She had some stuff but she didn't want to make anything. The effort of cooking was just absolutely infuriating in that moment, so she slammed the refrigerator door with more force than she meant to before storming over to her bedroom and flopping down on the bed. She screamed her frustration out into her pillow, the wear of the day hitting her all at once. She didn't want to do this right now, she didn't want to work right now or talk to stupid people that left their stupid granola bars in the community spot- but what the hell else was she gonna do? Lay here and cry all day? Alone? That last thought brought up a tidal wave of emotion and Caroline's anger got swept away in overwhelming grief. She suddenly sobbed, her empty bed feeling unbearably lonely. Her sobs were violent, her diaphragm contracting so hard she started hiccuping between her tears. Alone. She didn't want to deal with this alone! She couldn't deal with this alone! She wished beyond anything that Mick was here to hold her, but he wasn't and he wouldn't be. But she could still reach out to a friend, that's what her therapist had told her... Caroline was still sobbing as she grabbed her extention's receiver and punched in Terry's number with a shaky hand. It rang... and rang... and rang... and rang... "Terry, please..." and rang... and rang... and then the line cut off. Caroline squeezed her eyes shut and put the receiver down. Whelp. That was her friend. She didn't have anyone else she could reach out to. She was alone. Alone. She sobbed harder, grabbing Mick's pillow and holding it tightly. She couldn't even smell him off it anymore- but what if her tears were diluting it?! At that, she tossed the pillow away from her, the excitement causing her breathing to shallow and quicken... Oh no... her heart started pounding in her chest and she could feel it. She was having a panic attack. Fuck! What a fucking mess she was! Mick had only been gone for a couple of weeks and now she was a panicky lunatic?! What was wrong with her?! Her pounding heart jumped up a notch and she was quickly losing control. Her breathing was sharp and erratic and it was starting to feel like she couldn't breathe at all. She started gasping for breath, taking in as much air as she could while she was still able to. This was bad. Horrible, even. She hadn't had a panic attack since... Well since that one time a few months ago, but this one felt worse. Not only was she panicking, but now she didn't have Mick to hold her hand and talk her through it. Now it was just her. I don't wanna do this alone, Micky! She cried in her head, her breathing still sharp and erratic. But she was alone. She was alone. Alone. Caroline was alone and there was no one she could talk to. Her therapist had told her to reach out, but the one friend she had- her therapist! Caroline scrambled over to her touchtone, grabbing the receiver and quickly punching in her therapist's number. It rang twice then, "Hello?", "K-K-Ki-Kim?!", "Hello?! Yes? Who's this?", "It's- It's C-Ca-Caroline-", "Caroline? Are you- what's going on?", "I'm- I'm- I'm- I'm- I'm-", "Whoa! Slow down, Caroline! Breathe.", "I- I- I- I can- I can't-", "Breathe, Caroline. Breathe." On the other line, Kim took in a noticeable breath and Caroline tried to follow, but the hiccupping sobs overtaking her body were too much for her. She cried, "I- I- I can't! I can't-", "Breathe." Kim took in a big inhale, then let it out slowly and Caroline tried again. Her inhale was sharp and her exhale was short and shaky. She shook her head as she sobbed out, "I can't! I can't!", "Yes you can. If you can talk, you can breathe, now follow me. Inhale." She took a breath over the phone and Caroline followed as best she could. "Exhale." Ex-hale. "Inhale." Inhale- "Exhale." Ex-Exhale. "Inhale." In-hale. "Exhale." Exhale. "Good! You're doing good! Inhale." Inhale. "Exhale." Exhale. They did that for what felt like several hours but what couldn't have been more than a few minutes. Caroline's breathing slowed to a controllable pace and she was finally able to regain in her faculties again. Once she had calmed down enough, Kim said, "Woof! That was intense! What's going on, Caroline?" and Caroline took a moment to compose herself before replying, "I... I feel alone." Just saying that brought up fresh tears, but she quickly swiped them away as Kim asked, "Are you alone?" Caroline sighed, "I know I'm not, I've got friends and Mick... but... uh...", "Are you alone right now?" Those waterworks couldn't be damned up and Caroline wobbled out, "Y-yes-!", "Ah, I see." Kim soothed, "Well, I can talk until nine, but then I have to go-", "S-sorry! I'm sorry! I just didn't have anyone else to talk to! I- I'm sorry for taking up your night-!" Kim tsked, "Caroline, it's okay. I gave you my number for crisis situations. This is a crisis situation." Caroline flushed, "Oh, it's- it's really not. I- I know I could have calmed down on my own, I'm just- I'm s-sorry for calling you this late-", "Caroline, listen to me. You're not bothering me. It's okay. I'm sorry I can't talk for longer.", "No, no! I understand! I'm- uh, hm..." Kim chuckled as Caroline tripped over herself and she said to her, "I can talk for a little bit. So let's talk.", "You sure?", "Yes. I'm sure.", "O-okay." Caroline sniffed, pulling her blankets up to hold them against herself. It was quiet between them for a moment before Kim asked, "So, is Mick out for the week?" Caroline sniffed, wiping her eyes, "He's actually out for the month.", "Ooh." Kim's voice winced and Caroline sighed, "I know. It's been... It's been tough.", "How long's he been out?", "A few weeks now. He left right at the first of the month and he should be coming back sometime around the first week of September... I hope...", "You don't know?", "He didn't know.", "Ah." Kim mused, "Has that been scary for you?" Caroline adjusted herself, "I don't know about scary- well, maybe a little... It's more like I just miss him a lot and... Yeah, I just miss him..." Kim thought for a moment, then she hummed, "Mm, that sounds really stressful." Caroline sniffed, nodding to herself, "...It is...", "How have you been coping these last few weeks?", "Well... Not great.", "Can you elaborate?" Caroline thought about it, rubbing her face, "Um... well the first week wasn't really that bad. He's gone on some longer assignments before and I've been fine. But then I... I guess I just hit a funk and was feeling down, so I went and hung out with Terry.", "Who's Terry?", "She's my friend. We've known each other since high school.", "Oh, wonderful! So you hung out with your friend?", "Yeah..." Caroline yawned, "Yeah, I hung out with her and we had a sleepover and it was nice... I don't talk to her enough...", "Speaking of, I'm so sorry to cut this short but I do have to get going. I gotta pick up my kid from the airport." Caroline sat up, "Oh! Sorry! Of course!", "No, no, it's alright! It's okay. Also I can get you in on Friday if you want an appointment?", "Yes! Yes... I think that would be smart." Kim chuckled, then said, "Aright, then I'll see you Friday. But if something else happens, I'll make some time to help, alright? Don't be afraid to call." Aaah! But how could she? As if Kim was reading her mind, she restated, "I mean it, Caroline. If something else happens and you need help, call me. Got it?", "O-okay.", "Okay. See you Friday.", "See you Friday..." and they both hung up. Caroline laid back down and looked up at her ceiling. She was still over-tired, overwhelmed, and super hungry, but there was a little tiny ounce of weight that had been lifted off her shoulders. She took in a deep breath and let it out, feeling the air going through her lungs- then her stomach joined in and she sat back up. She really didn't want to cook tonight, so she picked back up the receiver and called the local pizza place. They answered in one ring, "Johnny's Pizza, what can I get for you?", "Hi, can I get a large pizza with everything on it?", "Got it, will this be for pick-up or delivery?", "Pick-up, and the name on that is Caroline.", "Okay. It'll be ready in ten minutes.", "Thank you." She hung up and stood, stretching her arms above her head. Boy, did having a panic attack take up a lot of energy. Still, she was already dressed, so she just grabbed her purse and left. She moved down the steps to the parking lot and got in her car, getting in and just sitting there for a moment. The pizza place was only a few minutes away, but a drive felt nice at that moment. She turned on the radio and it was playing 'Sweet Caroline' by Neil Diamond. She smiled, reversing her Vauxhall out of its parking space and getting on the road... She remembered one time when she and Mick were driving somewhere, she had forgotten all the details, but 'Sweet Caroline' came on over the radio and he practically belted it at her, but he only barely knew the chorus so it sounded horrendous. She thought it was dumb at the time, but now everytime she heard this song, she could still hear him singing it at her, stumbling over the lyrics he didn't know... What she wouldn't do to hear him next to her again... She sighed. There was only a little more than a week and a half left in the month, she could handle that- but a week and a half felt like an eternity. It felt like forever. It had already been a shit show, but now she was starting to miss every little thing they'd do together. She missed when he came home from work and they'd have dinner together. She missed how they cuddled up together and spoke about their day to each other. She missed going on surprise dates or coming home to find a random gift for her, or picking something up that she knew he would like... Beyond anything, she just wished he was here to hold her at that moment. Her throat tightened and she took deep breaths, forcefully calming herself down as she drove... Was she really that broken that she couldn't spend a month without her man?! When had she become so dependent on him?... Probably around the time my dad died. "UGH!" Caroline lamented, because that was mostly true... but it didn't feel like the whole story. She made it to the pizza place around fifteen minutes later and she picked up her pizza. She got back to her car and the moment she sat down, she opened up the box and took a slice, eating it with gusto. She ended up eating half the pizza before realizing she ate a little too much a little too quickly, so she put the box aside and grabbed a napkin from her console to wipe her hands off... Now with that problem solved she was already feeling a lot better. She looked at the half a box of pizza and considered her options. She could bring it home and have it for lunch tomorrow, or she could bring it over to Terry's and see if she wanted any. As soon as the thought popped into her head, the decision was made. Caroline buckled up and headed across town to Terry's apartment. The fact that Terry hadn't answered the phone- not only didn't answer, but her line cut out- that was concerning. Caroline had been too in the moment to realize earlier, but thinking back on it, that wasn't normal- and then she saw why. Caroline pulled into a parking space near Terry's door where her friend was bringing out an armful of stuff to drop in the newly formed pile that had been made on the sidewalk. Caroline stepped out of her car and called, "Terry?" Terry startled, then looked over as she dusted her hands off, "Oh, hey Lynn! What are you doing here?" Caroline walked over to her, peering over the pile of jerseys and shoes and even a busted up radio. She said, "I was coming to check on you. I- uh, I called you earlier, but you didn't pick up.", "Oh." Terry slurred, clearly drunk, "I thought you were Teddy. He's been calling me non-stop so I just unplugged my line.", "Ah..." Caroline breathed, "Did something-?", "He cheated on me, Lynn! Can you believe that?! We've been dating for years and now he f-fucking cheats on me?!" She kicked the pile of stuff and a few shirts flew into the air. Caroline stepped out of the way as they fluttered down and Terry stumbled, falling to the ground. Caroline went to help her, but Terry just brought her knees to her chest as she wobbled out, "This wasn't even the first time! God! Men are so-" She burst into tears and Caroline sat down next to her, rubbing her back, "Hey, hey it's okay-", "No it's not! It's not okay!", "You're right, it's not okay... That really sucks.", "You're telling me?!" Terry cried and Caroline could smell the alcohol on her breath. Oh boy... She'd been there before too. Caroline pat her back and said, "Hey, I have half a pizza in my car. Why don't I get that and we'll go inside and talk about how stupid boys are. Sound good?" Terry scoffed, "What do you have to say? You and your perfect relationship?!" Caroline chose not to take that personally and she pat Terry on the shoulder before standing up, "I'll be right back." She went and grabbed the pizza, then she helped Terry off the ground and they walked together to her apartment. Terry flopped down on the couch and Caroline set the pizza box next to her before going into the kitchen and filling up a cup of water. She brought it over to Terry, who shook her head and demanded, "No, bring me the whiskey." Caroline pointed, "Drink that first, then I'll bring you the whiskey." Terry groned, but chugged the water and handed her back the cup. Satisfied, Caroline went back to the kitchen and poured her friend a small portion of whiskey. She brought it back and Terry shook her head again, "No, the bottle.", "If you want that, get it yourself." Caroline said, placing the cup on the floor and sitting on the other side of the couch. Terry blinked angry and distant, "I would, but if I stand up again I'm gonna vomit." She still snatched the cup off the floor and downed it before sitting back with a sigh, and Caroline pointed to the box, "Eat." Terry groaned, "I don't wanna.", "Your morning self will thank me. Eat." Terry rolled her eyes, but she grabbed a slice of pizza and took a bite, chewing aggressively. After she finished it, she grabbed another slice and Caroline got her friend another cup of water. It was quiet, then Terry grumbled, "It's so fucking unfair...", "What is?" Caroline asked and Terry gestured, "You. This random guy falls in your lap and now you're inseparable! I don't know if I could even call Teddy a boyfriend, he barely even hung out with me- and apparently he didn't even want me in the first place!" Terry wailed, angrily swiping at the tears falling down her face. You know what's unfair? Caroline thought. The fact that I'm doing for you what I needed half-an-hour ago... Caroline bit down her bitterness. Terry was hurt, and she was drunk. She wasn't trying to intentionally hurt her feelings, but it certainly stung anyway. Terry sniffed, "I didn't even find out from him... One of his friends told me because it'd finally 'gotten out of hand'. Whatever the fuck that means...", "Mm." Caroline hummed in acknowledgement and Terry sighed, "He never really took me out either. Or bought me anything- not that I needed him to buy me something, just the thought would have been nice... I would have been fine just hanging out, except his version of 'hanging out' was using my TV and then sometimes we'd fuck." Terry gestured angrily, "Is that all I was to him?! A couch, a TV, and a fuck?! Seriously?!" She deflated again and her breath hitched, "I guess Al was right... Oh, he's gonna have a field day with this one..." She ran her hands over her face, "Fuck... He's gonna tell me 'I told you so' and he's gonna be right, because he fucking told me so- UGH!" She was crying again and Caroline rubbed her shoulder quietly... If she really thought about it, it was really unfair that she was here for Terry when she'd needed her earlier, and at the same time, Caroline really empathized with her. The two thoughts were conflicting in her head, but in the end she put the pizza box on the floor and pulled Terry into a hug, rubbing her back soothingly. Terry cried into her shoulder, and the pain in her sobs was tangible... They stayed like that for a long moment, Caroline just holding her friend close, until Terry's sobs turned to sniffs, and then those sniffs went quiet... and then she was falling asleep against Caroline's shoulder. Caroline smiled at her friend, patting her shoulder lightly and Terry stirred slightly, "Um... Hey Lynn?", "Yeah?", "Could you do me a favor?", "Of course, what is it?", "Can you help me to my bed?", "Of course." Caroline said, and she pulled one of Terry's arms around her shoulder before helping her up. Terry took a moment to steady herself, and then they were walking, one step at a time. Caroline mused, "This reminds me of when we were teenagers." Terry paused with a hrk, but she kept her stomach down. She swallowed uncomfortably and replied, "When we were teenagers... I was always dragging your ass back home...", "Eh, I brought you home a couple times.", "Two. Twice. And that one time we were both shit-faced. So one and a half.", "Fair." Caroline mused, helping her friend sit down on the bed. Terry nodded, "Thank you." and Caroline nodded back, going to grab the trash can from the bathroom and putting it beside the bed, "No problem, Terry." Terry just nodded again and Caroline moved out into the main room, picking up the pizza box and bringing it to the kitchen. She was just putting the pizza in the fridge when she heard Terry call, "I know you're not cleaning up-" and then she vomited. Caroline grabbed a cup and filled it up with water before bringing it back to her, "Here." Terry took the cup with a shaky hand and swigged it, swishing the water around in her mouth before spitting it into the trash can. She did that a few more times until the water ran out, then Caroline asked, "You want more?" and Terry shook her head, setting the cup on her nightstand and laying down in bed. Caroline pulled up the trash bag as she said, "Lay on your side." and Terry grumbled at her, "I'm not gonna puke again." Caroline urged, "Just lay on your side for tonight." and Terry rolled her eyes, but she turned on her side while Caroline tied up the bag. She brought it over to the kitchen and grabbed a new trash bag before bringing it back to the bedroom where Terry was already asleep. Caroline fixed the bag in the trash can and did a pass around the apartment, picking up any trash or dishes and putting them in their respective places. Then once she was satisfied enough, she checked on Terry one more time, then she left, locking the door behind her. She passed the pile of Teddy's stuff and gave it a kick herself before getting in her car and heading back home... The next morning, she woke up to a call, "Mm... Hello?", "Hey, Lynn...", "Oh, hey Terry. How are you feeling this morning", "...I'm fine... I'm really sorry about last night...", "Don't worry about it, it's fine. Did you wanna hang out today?", "No, not today... I'm gonna go tell Al what happened... ugh...", "Oh. Well, good luck.", "Thanks... and again, I'm sorry.", "It's okay, Terry. I understand.", "Yeah... Well... bye.", "Bye-" and the line hung up. Caroline put down the reciver and looked up at the ceiling. Today was another day...