rottmnt oneshots

but i hurt you 💙❤️

tw: panic attack
summary: leo recalls how everyone got hurt because of him, especially raph, and breaks down. ironically raph is the only one awake to comfort him

the world was saved. everyone was ok. yet leo couldn't bring himself to sleep, as he was still haunted by the krang and everything that happened weeks ago. everything flashed through his brain, burning it and tourmenting him.
how he almost died, should have died, but raph stepped in the way and shielded leo with his body. luckily the krang only stabbed through the edge of his shell, but no matter how lucky he was the guilt was still eating leo alive.
casey's words rang in his head. the world needs master leonardo and all we got is this guy.
this guy. heh. he was right, that was all leo was. some random unimportant guy.
you're arrogant, your selfish, and you don't see that every decision you make could cost someone their life
i am arrogant. i am selfish. i really don't deserve to still be here. yet my brothers saved me. twice.
because of his carelessness, raph had gotten hurt, captured, tourtered, and turned into a krang zombie. leo doesn't even know the half of the horrors raph went through for him. he never talked about it. leo had tried to ask him but he always brushed it off, and that bothered him. because it was his fault they were in this mess anyways, and his brother was suffering alone when he didn't have to. he acted like everything was fine when it really wasn't.
why did dad make me the leader?? leo asked himself, curling his knees tightly to his chest. raph was the oldest and always knew how to sort out situations so that everything was ok. and all leo did was mess things up.
that's all he ever did. he wasn't special. donnie was a genius brainiac prodigy child that could build anything and everything. he always saw all the angles. raph was the strongest and brought two times the oomph to the party. mikey was insanely creative and talented. mikey....
leo remembered the cracks and scars lining his baby brothers arms that were still healing. all because of him. mikey reassured him that they didn't hurt, which must be due to the mysticness of them. still, the reason leo did what he did was so no one else got hurt. and they still did.
leo's throat closed up as tears flooded his eyes. he gritted his teeth, grimacing through the feelings he was experiencing.
leo had so many moments he should could have died. raph saving him from the krang. raph under the influence of the krang, holding a vulnerable leo in his hand by his neck, ready to run him through with his spikey mutated fist. when he sacrificed himself to the prison dimension to save the world.
to save his brothers.
leo's nails digged into his arms as he tensed, squeezing his eyes shut and furiously shaking his head, trying to get the thoughts out. his breath started quickening and tears began spilling from his eyes.

meanwhile, raph had just finished his late night training and was going around to his brothers rooms to check on them before heading to bed himself. donnie had actually fallen asleep, thank pizza supreme. he was known for his insomnia and staying up late working on projects. it especially got worse after the krang.
mikey was snuggled deep into his fluffy comforters, a soft sleepy smile on his face. at least he fell asleep happy.
all that was left was to check on leo. he was normally asleep around this time, so he was put off guard by leo's frantic breathing.
raph quickly hurried to his room, not hesitating to pull back the curtain acting as his door.
he saw leo, curled up in a ball and sinking in on himself, hyperventilating and shaking. "leo?" raph called out to him.
leo didn't look up and started breathing harder, shaking his head violently.
seeing leo in this state broke raph's heart and made him want to cry too. he didn't want to freak leo out more, but he needed to help him. he was a softie and comforter at heart, but in reality he had no idea what he was doing. doctor feelings would be a lot better for this one.
"nononono no go away" leo muttered in a panicked soft voice raph could barley hear.
"i'm not gonna leave you here," raph said gently, slowly approaching his younger brother with his hand outstretched towards him.
leo heaved heavier sobs, hugging himself tighter. he didn't deserve such a brother. he was just going to mess it all up again. he felt nauseous as he began to feel more helpless, wanting his thoughts to stop spinning, spinning, spinning. but knowing that they were just revealing the ugly truth.
"i hurt you!" he suddenly cried out, gasping for breath. man why was breathing so hard? his mind kept ruthlessly whirling as the overwhelming sense of dread and guilt consumed him. "i hurt everybody!"
he continued panting, falling victim to the feeling of sudden doom consuming him. i mean rightfully so, he deserved it.
no. no that's not true you know it. he told himself, but he had a hard time believing it. he failed. that's all he was. a failure. a disappointment. a-
the soft feeling of contact on his arm startled him out of his thoughts. he looked up to see raph laying his hand over his, which had been pinching his skin as he furiously curled it into a fist. this feeling of confusion temporarily broke him from his negative whirlwind.
raph kneeled on the floor in front of leo's bed, reaching out. "it's alright, leo. you're safe."
the sincerity in his eyes comforted him, but only for a moment. he wanted to yell at raph to get away. that because of him he was hurt and traumatized. because he wasn't good enough. that leo didn't deserve comfort. but he was too exhausted to project the intensity of emotions and thoughts occurring in his mind. "i'm not... i don't deserve this."
raph didn't say anything, instead patiently listening and waiting for leo to come to in his own time. his giant thumb, which was almost as big as leo's entire hand, slowly brushed over his back and forth.
leo clenched his jaw and pushed the comforting thought out, resuming his lament. "i hurt everybody! i failed! it's because of me all of this happened. that you suffered, when all you wanted was for me to listen to you. for me to be safe and keep everyone else safe..." he took a deep breath and choked back another sob as his voice broke. "alive"
they die. everybody died fighting the krang.
was that his fault too?
"we are safe leo. and we're alive." he squeezed leo's hand. "all of us."
leo started tearing up again, overwhelmed with emotions, but mostly for just how much his brother cared about him.
raph sat there awkwardly, wanting to help but not entirely sure what to say. "do you... want a hug?" he offered hesitatly.
leo looked down at raph, questioning his offer. honestly a hug would be really nice right now. but you don't deserve-
leo nodded. raph slowly got up from the floor and sat next to leo on the bed, which creaked under his added weight. he made sure to sit with just enough space so leo didn't feel claustrophobic and like he had to immediately jump into the hug.
leo flopped forward, his head softly thunking against raphs plastron. the contact pulled him out of his own head as the warmth from the contact traveled slowly down his body. that's when he realized just how much he needed to be held in that moment. he craved the love and reassurance his brother was openly providing.
leo used all of his energy he had left to weakly launch himself at his older brother, wrapping his arms as far around raph as they would take them. he rested his head on his brothers shoulder, continuing to break down. but this time, in loving arms.
raph wrapped them around leo, fully engulfing him in a protective and comforting sanctuary.
raph started to breathe slowly and deeply, which overtime leo began to slowly mimic (raph learned this phycological trick from donnie). leo sobbed out all of his negative feelings that had been consuming him as he tried to tell himself it would be ok. he tried to let all the guilt fall away. the past was past, and he had changed and learned from his experience.
but a sudden thought made leo flinch back, his eyes skeptically searching raphs. leo's eyes trailed down to the edge of his shell, which was chipped and cleanly punctured through. it was bandaged and casted so it could heal properly, but it still made leo shudder.
raph noticed leo's gaze and grabbed both his shoulders to snap him out of whatever horrible train of thought was running around behind those terrified, exhausted eyes. "it's ok, it doesn't hurt much anymore. it never really did, especially compared to the hell the krang put me through."
leo looked away in shame, and raph frantically fumbled for the right thing to say. "not that... no that's not what i meant. i chose to shield you with nothing but my body. i chose to save you so you didn't have to get tortured or zombified. all that time i knew you'd be able to do it. to be the leader we all knew you could be."
leo lingered on that for a second before turning his head back up to face his brother. leo knew he wasn't lying by the way raph was looking at him. he suddenly felt so stupid for thinking the way he did, but he was too tired to beat himself up more.
"thanks, raph," leo said quietly, laying his head back on his chest, letting raph hold him. he continued to cry, letting everything that had been weighing on his shoulders out. but through it all, he smiled to himself as he relished on the fact that everyone was alive and well, and he had the best big brother in the world.