Five Years Ago | MILKCIIZE

Memories and Regrets P.2

Ciize 

She didn't know what had been happening. She hadn't kept track of her or her family because she wanted to leave it all behind. She had managed to do that, but now she felt a bit sad. She felt sorry for Vivian, Ciize, and for herself, and she wondered about what could have been. 

"I really am sorry." Milk sympathized. 

Ciize nodded. "So am I."

"I liked your mom a lot." she admitted.

"She liked you too, Milk," Ciize said, her gaze fixed on her. "Which just goes to prove that even Mama could make a mistake."

"Oh, ouch." Her comment hit a nerve, making the guilt flare up a bit. She tried to push it down. "And are you ready to kill me?"

"Haven't decided yet."

A long minute ticked past and the music kept rolling out around them. Guitars, drums, and raspy voices filled the room and made it seem... crowded. Ciize walked around the end of the sofa and turned the volume down. When she looked back at Milk, she took a deep breath and said, "Ciya's such a wonderful kid."

"Yeah. She is." Milk delightedly agreed.

"You did a terrific job raising her," Ciize said, wrapping her arms around herself.

Milk could tell that saying this was really difficult for Ciize. She saw the strain in her face. Even though it was hard to hear, Milk couldn't help but feel a bit proud inside.

Why should it matter to her that Ciize said she'd done a good job raising their daughter? Why should what Ciize thought of her be important? It had been years since they were together.

But deep down, she knew it wasn't years since she'd thought about Ciize. It was impossible not to think of her. Every time she looked at their child, she saw Ciize's face. "She's everything to me, C."

"She is to me, too." The words burst out of Ciize as if she had been holding them in all night and could no longer keep them inside. As she spoke, she walked quickly towards Milk, matching the urgency in her voice. "I know you don't believe that because I gave her up. But she's always been everything to me. She's never been out of my mind or heart, not for a single moment."

"I do believe it," Milk said, seeing the truth in Ciize's eyes. For years, she had convinced herself that Ciize didn't want them and that she and Ciya were a mistake. She'd thought she'd fixed everything by moving on. But she was wrong. She understood that now. "But it doesn't change what it is, C. Ciya's mine."

"And mine."

A wave of anger stirred in her stomach, but she made herself stay calm. "I have full custody," she said, feeling proud of her calm tone.

"For now," Ciize replied.

Milk was stunned. She had expected Ciize to ask for visitation rights, maybe agreeing on something reasonable like a week or two in the summer or a few weekends. But joint custody? That was a surprise.

"You can't be serious."

Ciize's pale brown eyes narrowed again, and she could almost hear the starting gun going off, signaling the beginning of the battle.

"I've missed five years of her life, Milk," Ciize said, her voice barely more than a whisper, making her words feel even more intense. "I missed her first words, her first steps, her first laugh. I wasn't there for her first day of school. I wasn't there to give her cookies when she came home—your housekeeper does that."

"Julia is—" Milk started to say.

"Doesn't matter how great Julia is. She's not me. She's not Ciya's mom. I've missed so much already, Milk. I won't miss any more."