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It was evening already.
I was finally a little out of the wave of emotions that flooded down into me for the first time in the last few years.
I wonder if anything was there to mend up with anyone. I have no idea except one. That's the women who sat on that bench alone, a little distance away from me.
Standing alone, I watch my mother from a distance. The evening sun casts a soft glow around her, highlighting the strands of her pitch black hair. Her shoulder slightly slumped as her back faced me and she sat there,lost in her thoughts. My heart aches, a heavy mix of regret and longing pressing down on me.
I see the years we lost in the lines on her face. Every missed moment, every unspoken word, every undone calls – they all come rushing back. I feel a deep, gnawing guilt for the emotional distance I kept, thinking it was easier to shut myself off than to confront my pain and loneliness.
It's wasn't like, I never talked to her. I did. Even,she was the only one,I had any contact with. But yet it wasn't the way,it was supposed to be. She loved me more than anyone, more than I deserved and I knew it. Yet, I never had the courage to show her mine in return. I've always struggled with expressing my feelings, keeping everything bottled up inside.Seeing her alone now, I realize how much I’ve missed her, how much I’ve yearned for her comfort and understanding.
Seeing her alone, her vulnerability laid bare, I felt a powerful urge to bridge the gap, to heal the wounds that had kept us apart. But fear and hesitation gripped me, the fear of rejection and the uncertainty of how to begin such a difficult conversation. Or say how to start the conversation? Where to start the conversation?
What if she’s still hurt by my silence? What if I’ve pushed her too far away? The thought of rejection is paralyzing.
Our relationship wasn't like those, who never talked. But it was way more complicated than that. We talked over calls but it was undone, with a heavy silence in between. I had pushed her everytime, so after a certain time, she just stopped trying. She just adjusted in whatever space, I gave her.
That wasn't enough. I knew that from always but what could I do? Everytime, I thought to mend up things, I was always pushed back by the fear that I may end up hurting her because of nature.
That women right there deserved the world.
As I stand there, my emotions are a tangled mess of pain, hope, and a desperate need for connection. I want to fix this, to mend what’s been broken for so long, but I don’t know how to take the first step.
A unsettling feeling of fear was inside may that I may end up making it more complicated.
My fingers curled up into a tight fist inside my pocket as my eyes kept staring at her back.
“Express it before it too late, than it already was. ”The voice that could sooth every nerve in my body came up from behind.
I didn't turned back to look at her, instead I just kept staring in front of me. I felt her warm presence beside me. As she stood a inch away from me.
