Jack still wasn't out to anyone yet, mainly for the sake of the band, but also because he didn't want another thing for the kids at school to make fun of him for.
He kept his long hair, kept going by his deadname and wrong pronouns, it hurt but it was the better option than getting attacked outside of school.
Jack also knew that if he didn't at least tell Adam or Ryan he'd probably die, and he might've had those thoughts before, because maybe in another life he'd be himself.
Jack closed his locker and was immediately jump scared by Ryan.
"Jesus christ dude what was that for?" he exclaimed, hitting his older brother in the shoulder. "Don't do that!"
"Sorry, Jasmine, won't happen again," Ryan replied, in an obviously sarcastic tone.
It took everything for Jack to not cringe at his deadname.
He wanted to tell Ryan, he wanted to tell Adam, but there was that thought in the back of his mind telling him that if he did then they'd hate him, that they'd break up the band, so he had to keep pretending. Because at least that was something he was good at.
Maybe if he just kept pretending he'd stop sneaking out the fire escape at night and running to the Manhattan bridge-
"Jas, you doing okay?" Ryan asked, and that snapped Jack out of his thoughts.
"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine," he replied, and Ryan nodded.
"I'm here for you if you need anything sis, and so is Adam," he said.
"I know," Jack replied, letting out a sigh. "I know."
°🍞⋆.ೃ࿔*:･
When they got home after school, Jack immediately confided in his room.
He never liked being left alone with his thoughts but there wasn't much he could do.
He was always stuck in his head, always stuck with no way of getting out, and he hated it, but at least when he was alone he could wrap his chest in ace bandages and feel comfortable in his body. At least he could go into Adam and Ryan's room and steal one of Adam's oversized Columbia hoodies and not have a breakdown whenever he looked at himself in the mirror.
He knew it was dangerous but he didn't care. He'd end up dead anyway.
He knew that at one point or another he'd go out on his own terms.
So who cares if he broke a rib or two? It's not like he'd ever be able to be himself.
He could sacrifice a couple of ribs to keep his relationships stable, because nobody would want to be around him if they knew he was a freak.
He wished he could cut his hair, he wished he could wear boyish clothes, he wished he could voice train but he couldn't.
He'd keep living a lie until he ended up dead.
Keep pretending and they'll keep loving you.
He took those thoughts as truth now.
They wouldn't love the real him. They'd call him Jasmine, and use she/her pronouns on him until he's gone.
And he knew he wouldn't be around for much longer.
YOU ARE READING
Can you see it in my eyes am I finally awake?
Fiksi Penggemar[ALSO ON AO3] "I spent forever with my feet on the ground, but not now, 'cause I don't wanna do the wrong thing." Jack is trans, and he's scared to come out, because he's convinced himself that if he does it'll ruin his life. He's convinced himself...
