The next day at school was uneventful to say the least, from the usual bullying about the band to Alba asking if he had the math homework because she forgot to do it.
"Speaking of nerds, where's Ryan?" Alba asked and Jack couldn't help but laugh at that.
"Not sure, probably making out with Cat in a random hallway," he replied in a joking tone which made Alba laugh.
He loved her laugh, and he's loved her for a while but he couldn't ever share his feelings because she probably didn't love him back. She would forever see him as Jasmine, and he would keep it that way because coming out would ruin his life.
He wished that he could kiss her, wished that he could hold her, but it was all a wish at the end of the day.
He would never be able to call himself her boyfriend, he wasn't a real boy anyways, so why chase after a love that was never meant to happen?
"I need to go to the bathroom, I'll be right back, Alba," Jack said, and Alba nodded.
When Jack got there he locked himself in a stall and curled up on the floor, he didn't care how gross it was he just needed to get away from everyone.
He thought about the knife he keeps under his bed and wished he had it now, he wished he could feel something, so he did the next best thing to satisfy that urge.
He took off his red hoodie and picked at the scabs that were left behind from a couple night ago. He had to feel something, he needed to feel something, and pain got rid of that numbness.
Seeing his own blood helped him calm down, and that might've been psychopathic but he didn't care; he just wanted to feel something.
And feeling pain was better than feeling nothing.
Once he saw the blood start to flow he took a shaky breath and tugged at his hair. The only good thing about having long hair was that it hurt more when he pulled at it.
"Jasmine, it's been 15 minutes you okay?"
It was Alba.
"Y-Yeah, I'm fine," he said, throwing his hoodie on and leaving the stall, completely forgetting about the open cut currently bleeding on his wrist.
"What happened?" she asked, looking at his wrist.
He knew he had fucked up the moment she asked, and right now it seemed like he would have to come clean.
"Jasmine, what-" she started but Jack cut her off.
"I'm trans, Alba, I did this to myself," Jack said in a panic and once he realized what he had said he took off running, pushing past Alba.
He didn't know where he was going, he only knew that he had to get out of there.
°🍞⋆.ೃ࿔*:･
Jack was sitting outside behind the bleachers, trying not to break down crying.
He just fucked everything up, and his best friend probably hated him now.
And he was too caught up in his thoughts to even hear her approaching him.
"Hey, Metzger," Alba said, sitting next to him. "I don't know what's happening in that head of yours but I promise you that I don't think any different of you."
Jack looked at her, and sighed. "I didn't even want to tell you, I panicked, it slipped out, and now I'm here."
"Before we continue this conversation, what's your name?" Alba asked, giving him a smile. "Cause I know damn well that it's not Jasmine."
"Jack. It's Jack," Jack said giving her a soft smile in return. "But nobody else knows, not even my family, and I want to keep it that way."
Alba nodded.
"Is there a reason?" she asked, and Jack shrugged. "I'm mainly scared to."
Alba nodded once more. "Well, Jack, I don't think any differently of you, you're still my best friend, and you can always come to me if you need to talk."
"That, means a lot, thank you," he said, taking a deep breath.
"I might not know exactly what you're going through but I am here for you."
YOU ARE READING
Can you see it in my eyes am I finally awake?
Fanfiction[ALSO ON AO3] "I spent forever with my feet on the ground, but not now, 'cause I don't wanna do the wrong thing." Jack is trans, and he's scared to come out, because he's convinced himself that if he does it'll ruin his life. He's convinced himself...
