I'm Living Today

4

11:00pm

I can't sleep. I open my messenger account—I don't know who to talk to...

Personally, I'm not a social media fan. I tend to delete my accounts for my peace of mind. I don't want to bother anyone.

I'm not happy nor sad.

I'm just trying my best to live another day for my siblings.

I scroll through my contacts, my finger hovering over Kiran's name for a moment. He's always been a good listener, but he's with Josh right now. I don't want to interrupt their time together.

Next, I see Faith's name. She reached out to me earlier today, asking if everything was okay. I didn't have the courage to tell her the truth then, and I don't now.

Anna, Maia, Lara—they all have their own lives, their own problems. Why should I burden them with mine?

I close the app and stare at the ceiling, listening to the quiet hum of the night. Maybe tomorrow will be different. Maybe tomorrow, I'll find the strength to tell someone, anyone, what's really going on inside my head.

For now, I'll just try to sleep. Try to silence the thoughts racing through my mind.

Maybe, just maybe, tomorrow will be a little easier.

11:30pm

I toss and turn, my mind refusing to quiet down. Every thought feels like a weight pressing on my chest.

I glance at the clock again. Half an hour has passed, and I feel no closer to sleep. I sit up and turn on my bedside lamp, its soft glow filling the room.

I reach for my journal, hoping that maybe writing will help clear my head.

Dear Journal,

It's late, and I'm tired but can't sleep. My mind is a mess, as usual. Today, Faith asked me if I was okay. I lied and said I was fine. I feel bad about it, but how do I even begin to explain everything?

I saw Dr. Reyes again today. She says I'm making progress, but it doesn't feel like it. It feels like I'm stuck in this endless loop of pretending I'm okay when I'm not. I can't tell my friends. They wouldn't understand. And my siblings... they need me to be strong for them.

I pause, staring at the words I've written. They seem so inadequate, so far from capturing the turmoil inside me.

Sometimes I wonder if it's worth it. If pretending to be okay is helping anyone or just making things worse. But then I think of my siblings. They need me. They look up to me. I can't let them down.

I close the journal and set it aside, leaning back against the headboard. The words are out, but the weight in my chest remains.

12:00am

A new day begins, but the struggles of the last one linger. I know sleep won't come easily tonight. I turn off the lamp and lie back down, hoping that maybe the darkness will bring some solace.

I close my eyes, and for a moment, I imagine what it would be like to wake up and feel genuinely okay. To not have this constant battle in my mind.

Maybe one day, I tell myself. Maybe one day.

12:30am

The silence of the night is both comforting and deafening. I get up and head to the kitchen for a glass of water. The cold tile floor sends a shiver up my spine, grounding me in the present moment.

As I sip the water, I hear a faint rustling sound. My younger sister, Clara, appears in the doorway, rubbing her eyes.

"Ate? Bakit gising ka pa?" She asks, her voice groggy.

"I couldn't sleep," I reply softly. "What about you?"

"I had a bad dream," she admits, stepping closer. "Can I stay with you for a bit?"

"Of course," I say, putting my glass down and taking her hand. We walk back to my room, and she climbs into bed beside me, snuggling close.

As I hold her, I feel a surge of protectiveness. Clara is only nine, and she looks up to me so much. I can't let her see how much I'm struggling. For her, and for our brothers, I have to keep it together.

"Tell me a story," Clara whispers, her eyes already drooping.

I think for a moment, then start to weave a tale about a brave princess who faced her fears and found her way through a dark forest. Clara's breathing evens out as she falls asleep, and I feel a small sense of accomplishment.

1:00am

With Clara asleep beside me, I feel a little less alone. Her presence brings a small measure of peace. I close my eyes again, letting the rhythm of her breathing soothe me.

Tomorrow, I'll try to find a way to open up, even just a little. Maybe to Faith, who seems to care more than I give her credit for.

But for now, I'll hold on to this moment, this fleeting sense of calm, and hope that it carries me through the night.

As sleep finally begins to claim me, I hold on to a single thought: I am not alone. I have my siblings, my friends, and maybe, just maybe, I can let them in.