OBSCURE

21.

You are the sunlight that came back to my life

너는 내 삶에 다시 뜬 햇빛



The second coming of my childhood dreams

어린 시절 내 꿈들의 재림

I don't know what this feeling is

모르겠어, 이 감정이 뭔지

I wonder if this is also a dream

혹시 여기도 꿈속인 건지

~Euphoria,Jungkook

Round motion of circular fans were giving her peace, staring at them since so long. Her phone kept aside flashing the lights bright in dark room. Noon was near but open curtains scattered shadow of darkness in her bedroom, screen the only source of illumination. Her heart pace was normal beating a rhythmic layer one after another, beautiful for her to feel.

Silence was so dominating that the motion of fan and her heartbeats were heard along with her soft breaths. Her face serene and eyes helding an emotion implacable for to resist, a little happiness hidden in those brown eyes. Y/n felt a little different i herself after ages, a change she was understanding but denying to express. She had never being this frank with anyone, but this mr. singer was different.

Not in years she opened up to Seo Joon yet told him that she was seeing a doctor and was ill, she needed someone to talk to, first time in life of carrier and working as ARoC_iA she wanted to know how others felt about her music, least she never cared before, never even bothered to look at the comment section.

Her grip on mattress tightened after thinking about her recent actions, this was not good for her.What was she thinking that she could have someone, like as a friend? Really not. Never in her life anyone cared for her, the real care, the care she needed, let alone the love she cared. She wants to live and that can only be done alone.

She does not need anyone to talk to, to let others know how pitiful she is, she does not need anyone. Her mind was playing these words as a record in the brain, letting her remind of the past it had been for her, the wonderful life of loneliness,despair she was living in, this all is the gift for her to trust the person she should never had. 

Her hands left the mattress, keeping one of them at her heart closing her eyes, all she wanted was to feel herself alive, the only thing she cherish, her breaths, its the promise she has to always  remind herself. This life is not hers, she living for her, she was living for her mother. She has to believe herself that the silence of these seven years, the hardships she took in, the people she faced, the worst she had lived will pay off, she will make them pay.

After sacrificing this much and coming this far she can't let her feelings from inner mind take toll causing a mistake. Everything up until now was as what she wanted after today also everything will be like the way she wants, she knows no one can understand her despair, the pain, they will console and leave but what about the scars on her. Scars of memories, scars of betrayal, scars she has given herself to become what she is today.

She opened her eyes slowly, a bitter laugh escaping her lips, small laugh turning into a hysterical wail of pain.The voice resounding her own, screaming the unspoken words, tears making their way. 

What did I even thought? To ask for help? Who would help me? How can they help me?Am I even worth of letting them help?Won't they be sinking in with me?The puddle of darkness ? Who can jump on it for? why would they jump on it for me? Why would I even wish for anyone to jump for me? Isn't it wrong? ISn't it selfish? isn't it bad ? 

Love.

Her laugh resounding more, tears escaping the brim falling from her face to the bed.

Will love save me? what is even love? what a shame? The day everything will end, I will have to end with it. Will they be gonna end with me? will they be willing to end the world for me? or believe in perishing the world for me?

Her laughs mixed with the tears of pain letting her know how much of alone she was, how much of her she was, how much of a fake facade she had in herself.Just how good it is , isn't it, if she said them she is fine on social media, they will believe it, yet no one will ever know the darkness behind bright lights of a screen, beautifully beauty of world.